any ideas with my 12yr old daughter?

Question

I am consistent with her and always give her a consequence if she plays up but she keeps going out and not telling me where she is she's done it again today gone missing with a friend all day comes in so i've taken everything off her hair products makeup etc but I'm wondering what else to do I've tried everything never shouting always try to talk to her now i'm at a loss don't know how I can make her learn, any other ideas that aren't the usual ones as they don't seem to work. Thanks.

previously when she did this banned her off the computor she's still banned, this time taken her telly out of her room music everything she only allowed to wear a bit of makeup when she's not at school tried the mobile doesn't answer it and I grounded her forever now. I always talk it through with her a few days later when were all calmer last time she said she did it because I wouldn't let her out I told her because of this she will not let me know where she is and really can't see that I don't want to keep her in but what choice does she give me when she will not keep herself safe. Today i thought she was at her friends house who lives a few houses from us until this girls grandparent called to see where they were. I'm really at my wits end with her. Thanks for all your replies.

Roar that's given me something to think about I have actually described to her once what it would be like to be attacked felt terrible for doing it but kept her in touch for a while I might just do that shock her with the facts thank you it's very hard to know how far to go with that I will see what i can find on the internet perhaps some missing teenagers print them off and let her see for herself, please let me know different views i'm very interested what everyone thinks!

Answer 1

Hmm dont take away her make up any more she will just borrow friends whens she goes to their houses or at school. This might sound horrible and you might not agree but make her sit by you on the computer and bring up the pages and pages on the internet about 12 year old going missing. Then if you can (maybe use Maddie McCann) show a video of a parent pleading for someone to bring back their child. She needs to understand why you need to know where she is. Tell her all she has to do is text you and say im at Kyles house or whatever and she doesnt even ahve to have your number saved as you if she doesnt want to. Let her know that you understand that she wants her independence but youre finding it hard with all these horrible and sick people in this world! Good luck =]

Answer 2

Your the parent and when you tell her that she can't go out you should make sure that she actually listens to you. She is 12 and if you don't stop her from getting her way now then as she gets older things will only get worse. You have to be strict with her and just talking to her doesn't seem to be helping and also taking away makeup and hair products isn't really a good punishment since she can just borrow some from friends or buy her own. You have to get through to her that it isn't right for her to be out without asking for your permission and telling your where she is going to be.

Answer 3

Well, I think you should ground her and then take away any mobiles/mp3 players/t.v./computer access that she has for about 2 weeks - a month (depending on how long you think she should carry out the punishment for). You should make her apologize to you for not telling you the truth about where shes going (thats not really a big deal, where she goes doesn't really matter as long as she is safe). If she fails to complete the length of the punishment, you should make her start the time again.

I'm 14 and I know that my mother would do exactly the same to me!

Answer 4

well me personally thinks you should not stop her wearing make-up how would you feel if someone took make-up from you ???? she is a girl and needs it shes a preteen nearly a teen and she will only get laughed at school !!! You have no idea what 12 yr olds are like nowadays ,yes they is sick people out there but also you must understand the kids have moved on too ,they more forward they need it for boyfriends and even just to look good. or later in life people will say " remember so an soes daughter ya she was a tramp dont date her " see you gotta do it 4 u self and others. what about if she needed make up to cover up teenage spots 1 yr ahead she probley gets um now as shes nearly one. She cant be mummys little girl all her life and time to grow up. im sure her friends would laugh and woulnt wanna b friends with her anymore 12 yr olds now a days cuz they are 12 not 9. 12 yr olds nowadays talk about boys,sex,even gettin pregnant by older guys and this is normal for todays genaration. cuz lets face it they look hot now its up to you if you want your 12 yr old to blend in with this genaration u gotta make her look hot . and cool at least 4 the sake of her friends. its just my opnion u dont have to take it so personalley i mean few yrs back i was never mummy cuddled in the siecnce of harshness . I was loved but thats differant to ridicloues saftey measures . I find you too over protective and one day you gotta let go. Its time 4 you to kick you feet back . This is the best way of looking at it YOU say shes only 12 right ??? well no shes 12 not only twelve cuz

1. shes nearly a teen
2. she was born in 1995 ish

^^^^ etc and 1995 is more towards the 1990 area of rounding up to the nearest 10 so i think she should date boys old as 17 in my opnion their love story dont include your view thank you. People gotta see it differantly shes not a kid shes not born in the 2000s or 1999 or 1998 /1997.1996 shes just on the boarder cuz after 6 you round up so with 7 8 and 9 but shes so in other words if she was 11 thats differant shes no preteen shes a junior teen in high school shes a girl know wat i say and choose right.

Answer 5

I have 12 year old too and if you let her get away with now you will make a rode for your own back. Nip in the bud before something bad happens. Tough love is needed, you will both benefit from it in the long run. Its hard and upsetting but believe me it will be worth it in the end. Good luck. Grounding and taking all the good things from her, until she learns to respect you. My concern would be if she don't respect you she might not respect herself or other people. Hope this helps! Or maybe she just crying out for attention for whatever reason. take her out, just you and her, talk to her. Maybe there is something underlying.

Answer 6

hey!
as a 13 year old girl myself by what you have described you are a very good mom in the fact you dont shout orders at her.
I'm quite mature for my age (well people tell me so)
and wouldn't ever go out without telling my mom,it sounds like you should ground her or stop her from seeing her friends for a while just so she knows who's boss.
if you've took things away from her and that isn't working the only other thing is to stop her going out with friends?
make sure she knows you re the mom without shouting and it should be fine
good luck x
<3 sarah x

Answer 7

Hmm. I would suggest just have her tell you where she is, make sure shes not lying, if she says shes going over to "ashleys house" call ashleys house and check up on her. and if she lies just simply tell her she cant go out unless your with her, im 15 my mom goes to the movies with me or wherever. and get to know your daughters friends parents. if your worried about her wearing makeup and hair stuff thats good but then again... taking "harmless" things away like that may cause her to rebel. Deffinetly ground her if she lies though. I dont think shes old enough to wear makeup though. i dont even wear it barely.. its trashy looking on younger people. Oo thats a good Idea yeah.. get her a phone, (with discreet tracking.) and tell her shes getting older and more responsible but she still needs to keep in touch and check in , just so you know shes alright. oh and leaving without you knowing UNNACEPTABLE, ground her and get your point across, do some yelling if you must, if she EVER does it again, idk, leave for a day and dont tell her were your going, see how she feels having to cook all her meals and worrying.

Answer 8

Tell her if she does it again you will start walking with her , holding her hand, to and from any place she goes. And do it. My daughter is now 11 and did this for about 4 months. I started walking her to and from the bus stop, to her friends houses etc, holding her hand. She learned real quick all she had to do was tell me where she was going, when she would be home and make sure I had the phone number and address of the place she would be at. No problems now.

Answer 9

hi, i'm 12 too
i don't get in the same situations with my mom because i trust her completely and i can tell her anything(even if it's a little embarrassing ). i know that she trusts me too ,which is really a big thing for me. i have never been grounded in my whole life because my mom just talks it over with me when i do something wrong.

If you take things away from her, like privileges and actual things. she will get even more angry at you and you will never have a good relationship. she will feel like you won't listen to her anyway so she just dose what she wants. i'm pretty sure its also a way of getting back at you for taking all those things.

i know you've probably tried to talk to her already and she just ignores you and is uninterested. I WILL TELL YOU WHAT SHE IS THINKING THAT VERY MOMENT! " oh my god mom you don't care anyway. why do you talk to me today and you haven't any other time. why don't you just take away my cd's like you always do and be done with it.

if i had the same situation ,you know what would make me start listening and obeying to you?

DO NOT take ANYTHING away from her for about a year or something. instead just talk to her (calmly) . i know it i'll seem like you're getting nowhere for a while but deep inside she'll start to respect you more and more.it will take a while because in her head she is thinking" yeah BLAH BLAH BLAH go to my room" if you keep giving her unnecessary concequences she'll start to rebel even more.

start talking to her about random things. get closer as a mother and daughter. go out together. have fun. then she'll think of you as kinda cool and start sharing about her life. eventually you'll get the the part when she starts to say: hey mom i'm going to the movies with ------- i'll be back at around 9:00 ! love you mom!

she will start to think of you as a best friend. but let her think of you as an equal and not just " the mom who is always mean and taking away my stuff.

it also hels if you get her a cell. not only might she call you more but when you're out it's really " cool " to call someone in front of you're friends no matter what it is. and who is better to call than you're mom. i do it all the time. i call my mom for random things when i'm out just to look cool, so consider that.

it's also a hard situation for your daughter cuz she feels like she can't trust you.

please think about doing what i've said in the many paraghraphs above. i know if this was my situation it would work on me DON"T FORGET! don't do random talks when she is bust or around someone she knows and DO NOT do them too often or she'll think youre wierd and start thinking "here we go again"

i hope it all works out

-sarah, 12 , ottawa

p.s.give her back all her stuff and say that you're sorry( i know you might not feel like it since you think she is the one that should be saying sorry) and say something like" i know that you're getting older and that i should be more fair with you"

THIS IS ADVICE FROM A REAL 12 YEAR OLD! :-p

Answer 10

Keep her in the house with nothing to do but chores. You must keep an eye on her. Just because she isn't an infant doesn't mean she won't act like one. You have to stick to your discipline. Do whatever it takes to keep her safe. I also agree that talking to her might help. Make sure you are getting along, tell her you want to talk to her, but let her know she isn't in trouble at the moment. Then just talk to her. Don't yell, and make sure she gets to talk too.