I have been married for 5 years, and for the past 3 years we have not had any form sexual intimacy, even though my husband initiates all the time. He wants us to go to counselling and I agree.
Basically I don't quite know how to tell him without sounding like a wierdo, but lately my husband has been reminding me a lot of my father!
I can't believe I didn't notice before, the way he coughs, walks, frowns as he reads the paper ... just small things.
Also I do have issues with my father, he sexually abused my sister when we were young, as a result of this, I haven't seen him for years.
I'm not really sure what my question is. I feel like a freak now and I don't know why.
2007-07-23 07:31:01 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I would suggest counseling for both of you- as well as just single counseling for you.
Your question doesn't make you sound like a freak at all- it just sounds like you really have a cry for help- not just for the marriage but for you emotionally.
What happened to your sister was horrible. & even though it wasn't done to you personally- it was done to someone you love by someone you 'loved' which can be just as emotionally damaging. Especially if you harbor feelings of guilt over what happened. Like- why my sister? WHy did he do it? Why didn't he do it to me? All honest questions- you probably even have some weird feelings-mixed feelings pent up inside that have really prevented you from being intimate with your husband- probably both physically as well as emotionally.
From what happened when you were younger- has made you look at sex as something dirty- and something that makes you feel uncomfortable doing. So sexual initiation on the part of your husband can remind you of your father- as well as when a young girl is growing up it is completely normal to idolize their fathers- and to love their qualities. Some women will ultimately marry a man that reminds them of their father. I have a wonderful relationship with my dad- and I must say- there are times that my husband reminds me of my father! This doesn't bother me- b/c my father was a wonderful rolemodel-and raised me well! Yet, it can bother you- b/c you do not look at your father as a role-model btu as an abuser.
Really communicate wtih your husband how you feel- and how you feel about your father- agree to the couseling- and get counseling for yourself!
Marriage is a beautiful thing and sexual intimacy is a beautiful act! Its not dirty- but you have to 'teach' your mind that!
I wish you all the best-
2007-07-23 07:45:46 · answer #1 · answered by LuvMy2Kids 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Do yourself a big favor and go for counseling. You are NOT a freak. There are things from your past that are haunting you and stopping you from having a healthy relationship. He must love you to be able to put up with a sexless marriage for 3 years. Please go and get the help that you need to sort out any problems you have regarding your father, That just might be the key to your marriage surviving. Good luck.
2007-07-23 08:21:47 · answer #2 · answered by Babycat 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your not a freak...You guys just need counseling...for your sake and your husbands (before he explodes) He is a good man for sticking by you and your needs. Maybe you should start going to counseling on your own before you go together so that you don't feel so weird. A lot of women have been through the same thing and maybe going to a support group in your area will help. A lot of universities, churches, and hospitals offer these anonymous groups.
DON'T feel bad. You have someone who is being supportive and cares about your well-being...NOT AT ALL LIKE YOUR FATHER
2007-07-23 07:38:42 · answer #3 · answered by Complicated 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Honey, you re not a freak!!!! You have unresolved issues and since your husband reminds u of your father every time u must look at him, u most likely r reminded of the sexual abuse, of course one can understand why u cant have sex. Being that your husband has stuck by u for three years, without sex, must mean he really loves u, u owe it to yourself and your husband to seek counseling immediately, I'm sure this will help a great deal, this way you can move on with your life and start having sex(with your husband of course :)
2007-07-23 07:41:39 · answer #4 · answered by ana c 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Yeah, I think you need to tell your husband about it. Tell him the truth. About your father. I'm sure he's frustuated himself not understanding why you aren't having sex with him when he wants to. This could lead to worse problems later on. Tell him the truth. If he loves you, he should be able to assure you that he's not your father or try to change himself for your needs. Or if he can't change. You guys may need a divorce. It's not good to be in a relationship when such strong emotions, tension, or fear is involved. It's okay that you have made a mistake marrying a man that won't provide you happiness or comfort. Admit the mistake and move on. Find your own happiness, even if it means divorce. You do not want to live the rest of your life thinking you are sleeping with a man like your father and constantly seeing your father's negative side in your husband. That's nightmarish. Yeah, tell your husband everything. If he can help you realize he's different, then that's great. If not, divorce!
2007-07-23 07:40:23 · answer #5 · answered by Findout Y 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Ok, you definitely need to get some counseling before your marriage is destroyed. You should also seek some sort of personal counseling as well to deal with the after effects of the abuse situation regarding your father and your feelings towards him.
Too much emotional baggage can have terrible effects on a marriage.
2007-07-23 07:36:54 · answer #6 · answered by Miss M 2 · 4⤊ 1⤋
Sex is not the focus of a marriage, but a sexless marriage is definately an unhappy one. Definitely go to counselling. Possibly therapy, too. You might have some unresolved issues- nevermind, you CERTAINLY have unresolved issues with your father.
2007-07-23 07:35:06 · answer #7 · answered by notmakani 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Chances are you married him because he did remind you of your father, subconsciously. My wife did the same thing and it took me about a year to figure it out. It took her 17 years to finally come to grips with it. He situation was not as traumatic as yours, but it did cause a lot of problems. You are in about 10% of the population. About 10% of boys and girls have been molested or exposed to it some how. You need counselling, but that is a cr*pshoot. You rairely get a good counselor.
2007-07-23 07:52:59 · answer #8 · answered by bocasbeachbum 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I agree with your husband - counseling will be a good thing for you and your marriage. Try to think of some of the things about your DH that don't remind you of your father. He can't be the spitting image of him - there have to be differences. Don't be too hard on yourself. Get the help you need and move on!!
2007-07-23 07:36:36 · answer #9 · answered by raininonsunday 3 · 3⤊ 1⤋
Don't feel like a freak. Women are naturally attracted to men with features similar to that of their father. I think you should be proud of yourself for realizing that there is a problem and taking that first step to fixing it. Go to counseling and see how it goes, and try not to be so hard on yourself.
2007-07-23 07:36:36 · answer #10 · answered by Rachel-Pit Police-DSMG 6 · 3⤊ 1⤋