She keeps breaking up with him and getting back together; even though she knows that he is using her and lying to her and going out with other women. He flirts with other women in front of her and is a total player. She knows that he's not good for her, but she keeps going back to him because she has low self esteem. How can I make her understand that she deserves so much better than him and that she needs to dump him for good?
2007-07-23 06:04:07 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Friends
lady-phoenix: It's not her fault that she has low self esteem. She has been abused in the past and has had a marriage broken. What she needs now is for me to be there for her; not for me to jilt her just because she makes bad choices.
2007-07-23 06:11:45 · update #1
STOP TRYING !!!
Accept your friend as she is and stop stressing HER situation. Be glad that you are NOT in her situation. She has to learn her lessons on her own. My friends tried to tell me before I even married my first husband that I would end up hurt. I didn't listen to them, I had all the answers, and he was my answer.
When husband # two came along, my friends tried to tell me that he was flirting with other women...I called him friendly.
Friends tried to tell me that he was spending too much time shooting darts...I told them he needed to unwind after work.
My friends tried to tell me he was a liar....Why would they something like that about my husband I asked?
Friends told me he bragged about what an understanding woman he had... I thought that was a compilment.
A year into our marrige he was cheating...now I knew he was more than friendly. When he came home from dart tournaments at 4 in the morning I knew he was playing other games. When the phone rang and he took it to another room, I knew there was no stranger on the other end. When he made up stories about what took him so long to get from place to place, I knew he had more excuses than Baskin Robbins had flavors. When I closed my eyes to the world around me I knew why he bragged about his understanding wife...Because he had found a "FOOL ".
When I was on my own once again, I had no one to blame but me for the heartache I suffered...and I certainly could not blame any of my friends...BECAUSE they tried to tell me so.
Now I have friends that I worry about because I can see the pattern they are in...BUT I do not STRESS thier problems anymore.
I learned the hard way that when someone is set on making a relationship work there is nothing you can do, except be there as a friend to help put the pieces of thier life back together. What my friends tried to tell me, they did so out of love for me...but my love for the man in my life was stronger...and I payed a price for staying.
2007-07-23 06:30:38 · answer #1 · answered by nobodyspecial 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is really hard to do it. I have a friend in a similar situation. But he is head over heels already. (He is an idiot.) Anyways. The best you can do is to be supportive as far as her self esteem issue goes. That is where HER problem is. Keeping finding ways to lift her confidence. Take her to get a makeover, etc. Or you could pull a tip from the show Cheaters and find out where he is when he is cheating and make sure you have her there at the same time to catch him in the act. Maybe after she "sees" it, and she has a friend to witness it, there really isn't anything she can defend him on. She will be embarrassed, and hopefully realize that she has been a fool. Encourage her on the matter and help her to see that she is a dear friend to you and it is not fair to see such a good person being taken advantage of, and that she deserves a real relationship. Ask her if she wants to marry this guy and have deal with this kind of thing for their entire marriage? No one does. And make sure she knows that she needs to make this decision for herself, and for HER own happiness, and not because of what everyone thinks.
2007-07-23 06:19:10 · answer #2 · answered by Snow 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
ABSOLUTLEY, there is nothing that you can do!! You will end up in the middle and on the losing end if you try to come between them. Your friend has to learn this on her own, it's her decision. The big problem is she won't learn that she is worth more or deserves better until she is not in a relationship and in counseling. I know this because I am right in the middle of recovery from an abusive relationship, I was in for seven yrs. With my counsler(who is wonderful) I a,m now beginning to learn that the first person I need to learn to love is myself, only then will I be able to love someone else. In the midst of my relationship with that person, not a single person could tell me anything different from what I was doing, or going through, because I didn't know how to care or see through the fog that the abuse created, and thats what it is, abuse!! Abuse of the emotional self, and most of the time it ends up being abuse of the physical self! The role that you can play, if you choose to, and only if it doesn't become unhealthy for your life, is a support for her!! IF IT DOESN'T CAUSE YOUR LIFE DISRUPTION!! If that happens then the only thing you can do, is tell her that you love her, but her choices and relationship is not only destroying her life but yours and your friendship as well. For that reason and that reason only you can no longer be a part of the destruction of her inner self, and life around her! God Bless and Good Luck!
2007-07-23 06:24:38 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
My best friend had this boyfriend whom I hated with all my heart. They've been together for three years and I keep telling her that he's no good. They broke up, but after a few months got back together. This infuriated me but then I told her that whatever makes her happy and whatever her decision is, I will always be there for her, even if I disagreed in what she was doing because she's my best friend.
Eventually, she realized that I was right, but it was too late because the guy broke her heart. So hopefully your friend will realize it someday. Just always let her know that you're there for her and if she has problems, you're just a phone call away. If the time comes that she'll realize what a jerk her boyfriend is, just be there to comfort her and never say anything against her decision to stick with him.
2007-07-23 06:16:22 · answer #4 · answered by Yuki 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Help her build up her self-esteem. Sounds like this guy is a control freak and will end up hitting her. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt and gave it to Goodwill...
Stay her friend no matter what. You can't live her life for her or make decisions for her. You can call your local crisis hotline and get advice on how to help her though. That would be a good start!
2007-07-23 06:09:17 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You can't hon. Trust me. Some people don't want to hear the truth, and if you get involved and overly pushy about it? You'll be minus a friend. Just be there to listen to her. When she asks your opinion, quietly give it without judging him or calling him names. This is a fine line. With any luck, she'll come to her senses someday.
OR....you can find some dashing young man that will sweep her off her feet, and away from him...lol :) Good luck.
2007-07-23 06:11:24 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
once you're boyfriend knows you,why not refer to him somewhat greater approximately it? and once you're afraid the psychiatrist might choose you too,why not take him with you to maintain you sturdy? i'm exceedingly particular the rfile won't choose you, it is like the extensive kind a million component they don't seem to be meant to do! so don't be afraid,and you like him,why not hear to him and cease the self harming? no count what we do,we are continuously going to be extraordinary or a freak to society because of the fact they only see the destructive area individuals,they by no ability cease judging,so screw them! :D i'm particular you do not upward thrust up in the morning to electrify them! you reside to make your self happy,no person else! and those pals of yours are style of advise, are not they? i advise,in the event that they actually cared approximately you,they might attempt to help you extremely of judging you! attempt make new pals,some people who share your very own pastimes. idiots are actually not nicely worth your blood or tears :)
2016-12-14 16:45:14 · answer #7 · answered by schebel 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There's not really any way that you can get her to see that he's no good for her. All you can do is try your hardest to be there for her no matter how much it may upset you. Trust me I was your friend at one point and my friends got so upset with me that a few of them refused to talk to me. Just be there it'll mean more then you think.
2007-07-23 06:14:27 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You speak as if you have the power to change her yet don't know how.
You can't. You can't change another person, or MAKE them become enlightened. You can only be there when and if she ever opens her eyes. When that time comes, be kind.
2007-07-23 06:08:31 · answer #9 · answered by Zeera 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I think since you have already told her then you should just wait until he does hurt and she finds out but dont leave her alone be there for her when she gets hurt
2007-07-23 06:08:43 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋