Would you let your daughter/step daughter choose?

Question

If you had a 12 year old daughter/step daughter, and she insisted that she did not want to live with you but instead with her mom, would you let her? Her mother is a suspected crack addict (she had a baby a few years ago that had crack in his system). She gets a new job every week but has never paid a dime in support. She lives with "friends" because she can't afford her own place. Knowing all that, would you still let your daughter live with her? She is miserable with us, hates us etc...but thinks the world of her mom. We are very strict with her because we don't want her to turn out like her mother. But in the end, I am tired of insisting that she stay with us when she clearly dispises us and wishes to be with mom more than anything in the world.

Answer 1

sure she dispises you now, but she'll thank you for it later.
be stern, don't waver, it's in her best interest.

Answer 2

This is a very hard and big decision. In a sense I agree with what some have said about letting her go live with her Mother and she will get a taste of what that life is really like. It may be she has this fantasy built up in her head about what it would be like and will discover it's far from reality. On the other hand, I can also to relate to what others have said about it being a supervision issue. So...I would ask around and get a referral to a highly recommended therapist. Take your step daughter to counseling as well as yourself and husband. Get some ideas to what is going on in her head and why it is she hates it at your house. Find out from the therapist if you are being to strict on her. Get a recommendation from the therapist on what her opinion the best place for the child will be.

Answer 3

Is this a good idea, no.
Is this your fight, sadly , also no.
This issue must be dealt with by her father AND mother.
You may have an opinion but will do irreperable harm by interjecting your view of her mother over her desire to be with her.
Your STEPdaughter is wishing to be with her mother for any one of a number of reasons, including, filling the void, wanting to get to know her, wanting freedom from HIGH DISCIPLINE so she does not end up "like her mother". You are talking about the child's Mother. It matters not what you think of her lifestayle or circumstance. There is NO reason you should be interjecting yourself into these discussions with her. You will not convince her that you know better for her than her mother AND father. At this point it sounds like you are making the decision for all of them and that is an untenable position for you.
Its time for you to step back and turn this over to your husband, her mother and her to hash out. It could happen that
her mother understands that she is ill equpped to have her live with her and will nix the deal. It is also possible that mom wants her with her so daddy has to pay support. She would also then try to talk your daughter into coming to live with her to make that happen.

The harsh reality is this is not your place to allow or dis allow.
Lend your voice to the logic of the best decision but leave Mom's lifestyle out of the decision. This is not your place to say. From the sound of this question my guess is your step daughter wants to get away from you and your discipline.
The risk you run and the damage may already be done is that you have become the evil stepmother.
You might have served the child better being an adviser and friend more than trying to be her judgemental, strict, step mother.

Answer 4

This child is not old enough to make decisions for her wellbeing. YOU are. Her mom is a suspected crack addict, which means that all types of undesirables will be around a LITTLE GIRL an INNOCENT LITTLE GIRL at that... and I have heard horrible stories about moms trading their daughters for a hit. I dont know this woman, nor what she is capable of, but being a survivor of a crack addicted parent... I know I would NEVER ever have forgiven my mom if she had sent me to live with dad. She is going to think the world of her mom... and she is 12. She NEEDS her mommy... but her mommy isnt able tobe what she needs. Put your foot down and say NO. Your refusal will result in a temper tantrum, and fits of rage, but better that than she become her mothers crack whor* and gets traded off for the next hit, or worse raped while her mom is stoned out of her mind. The mother cannot afford to take care of herself why the HELL would you allow a 12 year old to live with her.


GROW UP and be the damn parent. You are the adult, not her, you are responsible, not her. You have the final say. Its whats best for her... I cannot even believe you would think to ask this question. The answer is obvious... HELL NO you cant live with your mom end of story. And when she is older, she will understand.

Sorry my anger over my own parents... but really she needs you to be the decision maker... Stop being so strict on her that she wants to leave. Teach her to be responsible and give her responsibilities in which she earns rights, priviledges, etc. That way she can understand what it means to have freedoms and why they're earned and she will value them.

She isnt going to become a crack addict just because you let her go to a slumber party with friends, or the mall or movies with friends. Allow her to do stuff that kids her age are doing... and TEACH HER what it means to go down the wrong path. Teach her what drugs are and what they do to your body and your life.... I know you want the best for her... its evident in the question, but you're pushing her away... and the alternative is so dangerous, that you cannot afford to be as tight fisted as you are now.

Answer 5

Keep her with you. She has no idea how bad it could get. Keep her with you until she turns 15-16. Then let her decide if she wants to live with her mom then. Let her try it then. Hopefully, by then your ex wife will have gotten her act together. Tell your daughter this decision comes out of love to protect her.

She is your daughter. You need to insist that she behave and treat you and your new wife with respect. And you can treat her with respect in return. Make deals with her so you both will get what you want. Good luck.

You are a very loving dad. Life has gotten very tough for your daughter. Don't give up on her. Don't stop loving her. Tell her that you love her very much and that you won't give up on her.

Answer 6

The choice really isn't up to any of you - the mother is unstable and unable to care for the girl. The mother, unfortunately, chose crack over her daughter. As her guardian, you cannot, in good conscience, let the girl stay in a home where she may be in danger.

That being said, it's perfectly natural that the girl loves her mother and wants to be with her, and you should respect that. You should make every effort to allow supervised contact between the mother and daughter. Explain to the daughter that her mother's "illness" prevents her from fulfilling her role as caregiver/guardian, so she can't stay with her.

I'd strongly suggest enrolling the entire family (you, your husband, and the girl) in family therapy, both to deal with the particular relationship between the girl and her mother, and her relationship with you.

Answer 7

I do have a 12 year old daughter and there is no way in the world I would consider letting her live with a crack addict. No matter what!!!

Answer 8

1) don't let her go with her mother under any circumstances. I wouldn't even allow visitation unless it is supervised. Having dealt with addicts my whole life you tend to learn their behaviors and that would bring a whole new realm of problems to the table. if she was go live with her, she would be exposed to so many things. The first being abuse, both sexual, physical and emotional. Those kind of scars never really heal. Second being the lack of support, there would be no structure there and no means of survival. The mother obvioulsy doesn't care about the child and her well beings seeing as she has not helped you out financially in the past. Thirdly i would suggest you lighten up on her a bit. Restrictions make children rebel, especially at the pre teen age. They want freedom, but they need to learn that they have to earn it. Maybe set up a system where if she does all of her chores and listens to your rules she can have a little more freedom. That's what she's really after. She's after freedom to express herself and grow. The problem is that if you try to stiffle her growth she will explode beyond your means and become the very thing you are trying to prevent her from being. Set up rules, but don't make them impossible to follow.

Also i would show her the life in which she would be choosing. Take her to volunteer at a soup kitchen, go with her of course but allow her to see what she might be faced with. Take her an NA meeting, allow her to see the type of people that she will be with if she goes with her mother. Explain to her the things she would be giving up; her friends, new clothes, food on the table ever day, a bed, being able to shower, being able to do things that she is able to do now. Try to give her as much information as possible to make her understand why she cannot go live with her mother.

One last thing, and i know this is hard to accept, but take it from someone who has been dealing with this her whole life. It is not YOUR place to discipline her. It is her father's responsibility only. If there is a problem bring it up to her dad and let him make the decision on what to do. You are not her mother, and though you may act as one financially, emotionally and what not you are not the woman who gave her life. My step mother and i do not get along. all of my siblings hate her, and we have since the day we met her. My little brothers mother was a drug addict and ultimately over dosed, however the woman my dad married is not the mother to my brothers. She has pushed us away and she has ultimately driven us from our father. In her making the descisions it weakened the respect we had for our dad and made it a hostel environment to be in. I'm not saying that you are a bad step mom, and i know that you care about her obviously, but just remember that you aren't her best friend but you aren't her mom. Earn her respect and i guarantee you she will listen a lot more. Good luck and i know that you will do just fine in this situation. hopefully everything will work out for the best.

Answer 9

you sound like a caring parent - so here is what I suggest. Let the child know how much you love her and how you only want her happiness. give her a trial period - this is the honeymoon stage. it will be great - prepare for that. then she will definately want to move in - and go for it with proper conditions like visitingf writing calling you etc. agree with all what the game rules aer and who pays for what - then open your arms and let her go with the condition that this will always be her home and you will always love her and if she needs anything she is to call.

if her mom cleaned up her act - she will be okay and trust that what you did for her up to now will shape her future.
if her mom did not she will want to know she can come home without you saying "I told you so"

Please if you choose against this then stop the strictness or you will lose her

Answer 10

You need to understand something at 12 for your daughter her mother(a crack addict)is just a mother.At 12 she cant see right or wrong for her shes just a mother who she loves very much.Even though its wrong since shes a crack addict its blood.There is a bond.

Answer 11

That is a tough question and I definately feel for you. Does the mom even want the responsibility? If she can't financially support your daughter, I would insist that you keep your daughter- she'll thank you for it later in life.