I am still haunted by someone I once loved...?

Question

Well, perhaps haunted is not the right word. I am married, but not happily. We've been married for 16 years. I still love someone I met before my husband. When I met the other man timing wasn't right so it didn't work out. I have always felt that I will love him always no matter what. I still see him once in a while at work and we're still friends at work. Anyway, how can I stop my mind from going in the "wrong" direction as a married woman? I know it's wrong but sometimes I get down thinking about it. Has anything similar happened to you?

Answer 1

I am very happily married but i have somewhat of the same problem. I still have feelings for a man I dated before. But I realize that the grass is not always greener and i am just choosing to remember only the good times I had with him. If I sit down and really think about it, he was not a good match for me and the relationship was not that great. I think I still have these feelings because things ended so suddenly with us and I don't feel like we ever had proper closure. But I would never consider doing anything that would hurt my husband the way that would.

Answer 2

I would really worry the marriage isn't working because you have held on to the idea of this other man all this time. I don't want to be to harsh though, sometimes delving into a little fantasy is just a good way to escape the reality of a tough situation. The trick is not to take it too seriously. I mean whatever you had with the other man all those years ago has long since passed. You have changed, he has changed, and if you were to meet back up today things would not be the same. Don't beat yourself up for take a break from reality just make sure you do deal with the issues and things that really do matter in the relationship you are currently in.

Answer 3

I, too, still think about my first love. I spent 5 years with him. My first unconditional, all consuming love. I think about him almost daily. He lives in another state, I moved away when I graduated college and I haven't seen him in years, but I still think about him. How can you not? This was my first love and he will always have a special place in my heart, even though I am married and have been for almost 8 years. I do love my husband, but I think when you have that first love, you give your ALL. You hold nothing back and when it doesn't work, a part of you vows never to hurt that way again. So the next time your a little more cautious and you hold back a little of yourself for self-preservation........in case it happens again. It is okay, I think, to revisit the past and think about what you and that person had from time to time; but it is not healthy to let it consume you. I think it is harder for you because you work with him and you still see him. It is going on 17 years since my first love and I split up and even though I hold onto some special memories of the two of us together; we are both, I am sure, very different people now. How do you know it would even be the same for you now? Appreciate the love you had for one another, respect it and keep it in it's proper place. Don't allow it to destroy the 16 years of memories you have with your husband. Good luck to you!

Answer 4

You are having this feeling because you still have the could, woulda, shoulda with this other person whereas now you have been married for a long time and there are no surprises or secrets. You can develop a fantasy with this other person because you never went through the hard times or fights, etc. I think you are experiancing the fact that you miss the butterflies in your tummy or the new fresh possibilities. Anyway, I think everyone gets this way and the people that pursue it can sometimes be dissapointed with the outcome because they have built up this image in thier head that doesn't play out in reality. So, jsut have fun with the coulda, woulda, shoulda and stay happily married! Or at least spice it up in your marraige

Answer 5

Yes. It's a long story. But because there was no reason to hate him or dislike him, there was no "closure".
I moved away, met someone else, got married. I deliberately cut off every tie, so that even ow, when I am tempted, I cannot reach him.
The funny thing is that I love my husband dearly, and even if my old flame turned up, I would never ever hurt or leave my own husband. My flame was too weak and too thoroughly unsuitable. But he did have a twinkle in his eye that I miss. Yes, it can be bittersweet. But life moves on and I know that I made the right choice.

Answer 6

Yes. I fell in love with a girl in high school. We were together for 4 years and then broke apart.

Long story short, 25 years later she contacted me and we both realized we very much loved each other. Unfortunately, we were both married. It was a brutal process, but we are now happily married to each other.

Real love can neither be created nor destroyed. If it exists, it always has and always will. It is your decision to either honor a promise that you can not keep, or choose a life with love.

Answer 7

you never once said you loved you husband in this question.maybe im over analyzing things.you see all you remember are the loving times you had with your old bf,you said you were not happily married so maybe you are wondering what might have been.you are missing something in your heart and trying to find it.im not a marriage counselor or anything but talk to your husband and find out whats missing if you want to work this out.love seems to be such a curse sometimes

Answer 8

Hello there,

Yes, I know what you are talking about. I think many of us have had similar experiences.
What, though, may I ask are you doing staying for 2 years in a marriage that isn't bringing you happiness? I am sure you have reasons and I know this is a tough deal. Keep in mind, though, that staying where you do not truly want to be doesn't bring happiness to anyone involved.
As far as what can you do, I think that you just give yourself permission to feel how you feel.
Feelings are feelings and we simply feel how we feel. It is what we act on that can be "right" or "wrong".
Take care of yourself!

Answer 9

if you don't take up with that person, no harm done. years ago before i got married I had a GF who I had loved since junior high..she moved to another state which is why we broke up, a couple a years into my marriage my wife and I were on vacation she was working at the hotel we stay in ??? it was awkward at first but in time we became friends all the time my wife understood who she was.. too this day we still write and call each other, we both have a special place in each others heart that no one will be..

Answer 10

Well at least you see that it is wrong ! The best thing you can do is pray, and stop thinking about the other guy because your planting seeds and they may start growing and you start acting on them then it will be really bad. Stop it in its tracks girl before it starts. Marriage is a commitment if it were easy then something would be wrong get it together and go home to your hubby!!