My husband hates me crying. He orders me to stop.?

Question

When I had an arguement with my husband, he pushed me against the wall & threatend me to stop to talking. This scared me out & I began to cry. He hates it when I cry. I ran to the restroom so that I can b alone, but, he didnt want me to cry there either. He barged in & said that I just had to stop crying & come out & face my kids right now. How is it right for him to push me hard & expect me not to get angry or cry? Is it wrong for me to cry in my own privacy of my restroom? What shd I do when I want to cry?

Answer 1

If he pushed you, I think that is abuse. You can cry if you want. If he touches you again, call the cops.

Answer 2

The question here isnt 'What Should I Do When I Want To Cry'.. its 'Why am I with an abusive husband'..

DO NOT take this from him. This is abuse. This is wrong. You should be able to have an argument without it getting physical in the first place. And then to order you not to cry is a controlling thing. If you stop he knows he has control over you. You're obviously scared of him, this isnt right in a relationship.

If you're happy in your marriage besides this, then maybe try counselling. Explain to your husband (or write him a letter if you cant talk about it) that you are not happy with the way he treats you and it will break your marriage if it continues.

If you're unhappy anyway, maybe think about ending it. I know it will be hard because of the children but they SHOULD NOT be seeing their mum like this. Even if you dont do it in front of them they will sense it. Do you really want your kids growing up thinking that this is a normal way to treat others?

Do yourself and your kids a favour and take yourself out of this situation. You're the only one that can stop it.

Good luck hunny

Answer 3

Just adding to the above...Would you want your children to end up in this kind of relationship either as the abused or abuser? Children in homes with abuse are also more likely to have addiction issues of all kinds and suffer emotional problems.

Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom, Creating Physical and Emotional Health and Healing by Christiane Northrup, MD would be a great read for you.

Also, call a Domestic Violence Shelter in your area. They offer free phone counseling and talk with you about your options. Numbers are listed in the USA in the front of your phone book or by calling United Way. The calls are confidential and I'd recommend calling more than once, speaking with different people...you may get different perspectives which can be helpful. You may also need a safe-house one day...even though now you may not believe it could go that far.

You've already made 1 step at least by asking a question here. Is this your first cry for help? Don't stop till your cries are heard and healed. Do it for you. Do it for the kids. And if you love him, Do it because he needs help too. Allowing him to batter you emotional and physically is hurting him too.

You are both adults. Don't wait on him to seek help. You do it first and please consider not telling him until you have taken the steps you need to protect yourself and the children. It's common for violence to escalate when a woman seeks help.

God Speed to you and yours.

Answer 4

i used to counsel perpetrators of domestic violence and in the TINY amount you have said there's enough that i would have had him as a client....my hunch would be that this was perhaps only the tip of the iceberg...my second hunch would be that maybe you already know something is very wrong and are perhaps checking that out here? if so - you are right.

your husband's inability to tolerate emotions - even the emotions of others - is a really worrying sign...as is his move straight from fear to violence - do NOT ask him what he's scared of - you willl get a wall of denial and possibly much more extreme violence than you have known so far.

i would SERIOUSLY advise you to get impartial support and advice from someone in your area but i'm guessing you are in the US(?) and i have no idea about the system there(i'm uk based). if you were in the uk i would tell you to phone a local women's refuge - just to talk and work out how serious the problem is...and probably from a public phone - does he monitor who you call yet?

this sort of violence in the home, both emotional and physical, will harm you, your children and even him - if nothing is done he will continue and almost certainly get worse.

i wish you luck from the bottom of my heart.

Answer 5

Hey - if you have to cry, then you have to cry. It sounds as if your husband has 'control issues'. Men are powerless against a woman's tears. They know that they are often the ones to CAUSE the tears, but they also know that they ARE NOT the ones to cause us to STOP. And not being able to control something they are responsible for having started makes them feel weak. 'Man' and 'weakness' shouldn't even be used in the same sentence, as far as men are concerned. Maybe - before he has a chance to upset you to tears again - give him an option. Let him know that if he makes you cry again, then he can 1) have you cry in privacy; or 2) have you cry in front of him. And no, ordering you to stop IS NOT one of his options! And tell him there's nothing wrong with crying, and if you need to prove your point, then knee him where it counts! I guarantee he'll think differently about your crying . . . AND about putting his hands on you!

Answer 6

Please take my advice with an understanding heart, which I believe you possess in abundance. While you are getting a lot of compassionate advice here, it would pay to analyze your husband's behavior.

I don't agree with his approach, but I think I know what his problem is. Reading all these answers, it should be obvious.

First, he is a control freak, and second, there are kids involved. Since the kids are his too, he thinks you are trying to manipulate him and the children with your crying.

If you look at the rest of these answers, it is easy to see why. In the face of a domineering person like your husband, the opinion of others is the only way for you to overpower him, and he obviously can't handle that. Whatever your original dispute was (you didn't mention that), the new struggle is over who is the "law" in the house, and he feels you are usurping that role from him by appealing to sympathy from himself and others.

Guys like your husband were probably raised to view crying as a sign of weakness, and he does not understand its value to you, how you must feel suffocated by his control. He thinks you are failing as if you were another soldier breaking down on the front lines and risking his fellow soldiers' lives. If he were in prison, and perhaps abused by someone more powerful than himself, he might understand. I don't think he needs that lesson, but he does need some help. This situation cannot continue.

As soon as this cools down, you need to talk about the dysfunctional dynamic you have described. You need him to explain why you should be the only woman who can't cry (you may be surprised by the answer), and he needs to understand how he is crushing your ability to work constructively with him, which he needs for his kids' sake. You need to address the business about his getting physical, and that you are not "one of the guys," you are his wife and bore his children.

If you just take off, you could be in more danger. Show him that you are strong too, still plan to retain your femininity, that you love your children just as much, and maybe you will start seeing eye to eye. Your kids need to see this too, and you will govern better with his and their respect. Do not appeal to their sympathy, it will only make matters worse.

There must be something about this man that you once admired. I don't believe he forced you to marry him and bear his children. I believe you admired his strength and felt a need for it in yourself. Now it's time to show him you can stand toe to toe without losing control, and you should get some sound advice about doing this. Do not wilt under pressure, and do not run. It will just anger him more, and your family will continue to disintegrate.

It is tempting to assume that violent behavior cannot be controlled. Any animal trainer knows that is not true. You can tame this beast, but it requires your strength, and respect on both sides. If you have given this your best effort, and you still do not succeed, you can consider inviting the government into your living room and/or breaking your family apart, but I hope that will not be the case. I believe that you and your family can and will succeed.

Answer 7

Um, yeah, he's an abuser hon. I know that it is hard to face that idea about the man you married and the father of your children has that title but this is NOT okay and is dangerous for you and your children.
Here's something to think about: if your husband is treating you this badly, a daughter will marry the same kind of man and a son will become that kind of man. But if you be strong, and stand up for yourself, they will have a chance at a happy life with a healthy relationship.

Answer 8

I think your hubby has a problem. If you want to cry then you should be able to cry. That's how you deal with things and there's nothing he can do to stop that.

I cry all the time when we argue. I don't know why...I don't want and I try not to but my body just does it. There's no stopping me. I'd like to show him that I'm strong and don't need to cry over whatever we're arguing about..... it doesn't even effect him....he'll just call me a baby or whatever but let me act the way I want.

I think you should be able to cry if that's what you want to do and your husband should not belittle you like that.

Answer 9

this is probably really hard for you and i am so sorry that it happened. it is abuse. he may have a bad temeper, but it doesn't excuse any bit of it. if you are afraid this wil happen again, i would seek help or even just tell one of your close friends. have a code, just in case this happens again. tell her that if you call and say something like, no, im really fine and the kids are all doing great. that would mean that she should contact the police. it may seqam a little over board, but just in case something worse happens. when you want to cry, you can't hold it in. he has no right to hurt you like that. you really should tell someone and even seek family counseling for him. you need help, before this continues. no one should get treated like that. no one, including you and your children. i hope things get better for you. good luck.

Answer 10

No thats not right. He shouldnt have pushed you let alone tell you to stop showing your emotions...its good to cry. If you cant cry in his arms than no its not wrong for you to cry in the bathroom. You should go to your bedroom and cry...if he follows you dont leave sit there until your done, maybe he'll start to realize that its ok to cry and its ok for his wife to cry or be sensitive and its ok for him to hold you. Than maybe he wont hurt you so much.

Answer 11

Jasmine had the best answer. Kick him in the nuts & tell him to stop crying.

It is not wrong for you to cry. He is an insensitive, controlling freak. How dare he treat you like that!

On the other hand, smash his nuts with a hammer because you might not be able to kick him hard enough.