I have had ongoing problems for years with my husband and control, seeking dominance over me and our children, but I think I have come out of the dark the past couple of years as to what he is doing and how to get around it to maintain my independence and self respect while I figure out how to end this relationship safely and financially for my childrens sake. Right now, I see his grasping at financial control more than ever to maintain his sense of dominance...its all he has left basically. He is refusing to pay his childrens dental bills, health insurance, provide money for school clothes. He will come across occasionally with $100 or so for gas and some groceries (there are 5 children involved). He says that unless his demands are met on how he is treated in this family, he will not pay nothing. Then, he says he is the man of the house and he will pay everything that needs to be bought and provided in his own way..whatever that means. Mean ing if he sees fit. Opionions please....
2007-07-23 04:24:52 · 12 answers · asked by Bree 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
As I'm sure you're already figuring out, you are in a very unhealthy marriage....mine started out much like this as well, and that control turned abusive as I tried more and more to take back some of that control...and that's not a good way to get out of the marriage...the controling and belittling is plenty enough reason to part ways...and I have news for him...when you get a divorce, the court will have control and say so over whether or not he pays the health insurance and medical bills...and even school supplies and uniforms. If you are working, I would start putting back a little extra money...and DO NOT TELL HIM ABOUT IT....open a separate savings account or checking account that you put that money in and have the statements sent to a PO Box...this will help you establish your own financial security to help you get out on your own. Neither you or your children deserve to live under Hitler's rules....you live in a free country..and a marriage is a constant compromise between both husband and wife! If you're serious about ending the marriage then start preparing yourself...you may even look into finding a better paying job but don't worry about his refusal to pay for the kids needs, just get a good attorney and he will have no choice! I hate see anyone go through this....I did for 11 years...and no one derserves to live like that!! Keep your chin up and stay strong...you can do it!
2007-07-23 04:41:07 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
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2016-05-21 00:51:17 · answer #2 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell him that you see him as the man of the house, let him know that you recognize this. This will feed his ego. Then tell him that he is failing as being the man of the house by not providing for his children as needed. Tell him it takes more of a man to do this, $100 isn't even enough for groceries for all of you for a week...or less. And gas takes half of that now with the gas prices. The next time he gives you money, go to the store after filling your vehicle up with gas, buy all of the cheap stuff and things he doesn't enjoy eating. Buy like hotdogs and hot pockets, sandwich meat, corn dogs, sloppy joe mix. Things like that. When he asks why, tell him you didn't have the money to buy much else having five children plus you and him. Tell him when he can become a real man to give the family what they need, then he will prosper as well from it, but this isn't getting it. Do not tell him this, but with you and him married, you have rights to half of whatever he has. Take a check and use it on groceries and clothes. Give him the receipt when he wants to know what happened to it. Tell him his kids are suffering from him not taking a stand to be a real man and you had to do what you had to do to make sure they had what they needed. Every chance you get, throw up him not being man enough to provide for his family. This will bring him down a few notches every time. If nothing else, talk with his family about this and ask for their help. Let him get angry. He deserves everything you hand him. When you decide to leave, which is what you need to do, the VERY first thing you do is put a hold on all of his bank accounts and credit cards. Do not let him find out you are leaving first. This will ensure that he cannot drain the accounts or hide money or personal belongings. Also make copies of all titles and deeds on assets he has. This type of person will look for everyway possible to get out of paying a dime. I know, I keep adding, sorry. This is going to be a dirty dirty divorce, and if you get a good head start, you are insuring the wealth of your children and not giving him a place to run to with it. Before you leave, I would get so dirty as to charge as much as possible on his credit and his credit cards. You will only be required to pay for half. Also, if you are not workinig, tell them he would not allow you to work. I would also record conversations you have with him like you stated about him not providing bc he is a man. This will help you in court big time. My advice would also be to get a BIG attorney who is well known, he will end up having to pay for it anyway. So go for the best!! The answerer below me has a good point about hoarding money, but do not use a checking or savings account. Use an envelope to where there is NO record of you having a dime. They will look to see if you have anything. If you need anything else, let me know, you can email me. I have been through it and know what goes on and how it works.
2007-07-23 04:37:49 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Drain the account if your name is on it and leave. If it isnt then this is a sign that it is now time to leave. He is using the children and this is NEVER acceptable. You as their mother have a duty to keep them from living with a person like this....even if it is their father. If money is an issue perhaps there are some family memeber that could help put you up until you can save enough for a place of your own. Dont put your kids through anymore of this.
2007-07-23 04:31:55 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Couseling, counseling and more counseling. Obvioulsy you have a different opinion on running the household and he insists it's his way or not at all. If he is not willing to go to counseling, then maybe your only option is to leave whether you can afford to or not. In that case, talk to a lawyer about gaining some control of finances so he can't make it impossible. Good luck.
2007-07-23 04:31:44 · answer #5 · answered by Linda K 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
you need to leave him and i know its hard exspecially with 5 kids sorry and you should tell him that is part of being a father to provide for his family they have to eat and you should tell him he will either give it to you now or he will in court and it will be a whole lot more money if you take him to court so he will think about it and he will give in but you do need to get out of this relationship
2007-07-23 04:31:48 · answer #6 · answered by foxy lady 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i say in this case, you might want to think about moving out on ur own since you are basically paying for everything anyway, including his food and expenses, then see what he does, if he looks as if he is still letting up on his financial responsibilities, then leave him and file for child support, he needs to pay you something.
2007-07-23 04:31:21 · answer #7 · answered by doo doo head 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to speed up your plan of 'independence'. This guy does not seem like a positive influence in yours and your children's lives. Do whatever you can to make your move and don't look back.
2007-07-23 04:29:24 · answer #8 · answered by David B 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sounds like your husband is grasping for air..whatever his thinking is about providing financial support as a father and husband will go like the wind..
2007-07-23 04:30:21 · answer #9 · answered by Maindrian Pace 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
So get a job and leave this guy. He cannot have dominance unless you submit.
2007-07-23 04:29:56 · answer #10 · answered by tjnstlouismo 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋