Why is wrong, when you just dont want to be married???

Question

Been married for almost 14 yrs, 3 kids. We were only married one yr when baby Number 1 came along. We are just completely different people, in our wants, our values, our long term goals. We do not agree on anything, from discipline to money, to what our retirement holds. Our future goals are completely opposite. He is not wrong, but I am not wrong either. He is a good person, and I am a good person. We are just two people who probably shouldnt have never gotten married. We live like roommates. He helps with the kids. Once the last kid is in bed, we go our separate ways. He goes to his tv to watch his "shows". I usually end up bed, watching the news or something until I fall asleep. The only time he comes to bed with me is to have sex. Its hard to have sex when you are not emotionally connected to somebody.
I really just dont want to be married. I dont want to be married to anybody else, I dont want to date, or a boyfriend. I just want to live alone with my kids.Y is this wrong???

Answer 1

Yes, it's wrong. You made a commitment to the man. You made a commitment to God. And you are now talking about severly and permantly hurting your children. And yes; no matter what a 14 year old tells you the children will suffer for years if you walk out just because you "don't want ot be married."

Have you thought about counseling? Have you considered a marriage retreat so that you can try to work on your issues? You say you don't want to date or have a boyfriend. Perhaps you're having some time of chemical or horemone imbalance. Because it's not a natural state to want to be alone. People are social creatures by design.

Instead of destroying everyone's life why don't you try talking to your husband and see if you can't come up with why you are so unhappy you are willing to destroy everyones' lives.

Answer 2

I am not saying your wrong, but you did get married so I would like to get you to look at a few things first.

1) When you married this man, you were in love with him for a reason, think of the happiness you once had.

2) The effect a divorce would have on your kids. Most kids are badly effected by this and do retain emotional scars for the rest of their lives.

3) Do you truly believe that you would be happier by yourself, lets say in 10 years, you wouldn't be lonely.

I am not saying that what you are thinking is wrong persay, but I really do believe you owe it to your husband, your kids and yourself to try and make things better, maybe a marriage counselor. I bet if you guys brought back the passion and remembered the way you once looked at each other then things would get better.

Anyways if you need to do what you need to do but it sounds like you guys are ignoring the problem and haven't given things a real effort. Get a marriage counselor.

ps. Does knowbody think that marital vows are sacred? No wonder the divorce rate is so high, for all you know (directed at the other responders) they could turn things around and be very happy 5 years from now, it deserves a real effort to say the least.
Not I am not happt at this moment so I will quit....

Answer 3

What's wrong is that you two are settling for this as fact and not doing anything to actually find the relationship you had when you started. Get couples counseling. If after a year its not working, then go your separate ways. You aren't going to ever live alone with your kids, he will be in their lives forever.

You both sound exhausted. When was the last time you got rid of the kids and spent time with each other? No wonder you are at odds.

Answer 4

You want to take these children from their father because YOU are not happy. What about your man? Do you suppose he's happy with a wife who obviously does nothing but complain? You can't come to any agreement about anything with this man. You say he's a good person, yet you mope around and talk about emotional connections, when you are the one who's not connected. For once, think about someone other than YOU. Plan to watch television with him sometimes. Come up with some interesting conversation, that doesn't include who's right and who's wrong. We all think we're good people, so forget the "I'm a good person" routine. If you think you're unhappy, imagine how miserable your husband is. He can't even get a decent lay with you.

Answer 5

Dear Jackie, I have been married for 17 years and have one daughter. I wanted to tell you that even though my own marriage is a happy one, I do feel the way you do at times. What helps me, when I get so frustrated is a break. I take a few days off to take care of myself. I sleep, eat the foods that I prefer, talk to my friends or don't talk to anyone, if I don't feel like it. I also think about my family and the ways I can keep it happily together. When I do get back to my life and the people I love, I am able to be the glue that keeps my family together. You are emotionally exhausted sweetheart. Take care of yourself please. The situation in your family might not look that hopeless to you, when you are rested. Best wishes.

Answer 6

Well, I know the situation because my girlfriend lived the same experience like you. She tells me that after the first child her relationship changed. The balance inside her couple changed. Her husband decided to spend a lot of time outside the house. Hobbies, sports, etc... She was frustrated. She continued to make sex with him but she was not satisfied. She lived a sort of mechanical action. At the end, she was pregnant for the second time. She lived a terrible period of her life. She spent a lot of time to think about the end of her history. She decided to wait for the time when the children would be adult but at the end.... she met me. We discussed so much, she realized that she can go out of the history. She trust on me. She divorced.Today we are happy, she is going better even if sometimes she feel like guilty. Hope you will find your true love.

Answer 7

I think that in order to break this blockage in your relationship, you need to start being true to yourself. It makes absolute sense for you to say, "It's hard to have sex when you are not emotionally connected to somebody." Of course it is! It's so hard that you shouldn't do it, because to have sex with someone to whom you don't feel emotionally connected is to be untrue to yourself.

Of course, you'll have to tell your husband that. Say it nicely, but tell him you don't want sex without emotional connection. And then follow through. One of two things will happen. The first possibility is that he will try to emotionally connect to you. If this happens, then great! You'll start feeling close to your husband and your marriage will improve.

The other possibility is that the two of you will withdraw further from each other. If this happens, you can ask him to move into a separate bedroom. Then, your wish will be granted: you won't be married to anyone else, you won't date, you won't have a bf, and you'll essentially be living alone with your kids, except for the roommate who's also living in the house.

Answer 8

Socially wrong or morally wrong?

Ever notice how people say family is everything, people are more important than things, etc. but it seems like every good thing we believe about committments and promises we make get tossed out the window when it comes to the very relationships we claim to value the most. Interestingly and sadly hypocritical of us as a society, I think.

What about your kids? What makes THEM happy? They'll be grown soon. *Sooner than you think!* Then leave if you want to.

Of course adult children still hurt over divorcing parents, but they are ADULTS, and they have power to choose their own loyalties regarding step-families and such.

Life is too short to be miserable, but you don't have only two choices. You have more power than you think to make yourself happy.

Answer 9

No of course thats not wrong. But I would seriously discuss this with him. Just a suggestion before you do ANYTHING read the book "The Wedding" by Nicholas Sparks it will really make you think. Then I would have him read it. If nothing else you will enjoy the book. Good Luck

Answer 10

It's not wrong at all....We usually feel what we go through...You probably feel since you sometimes feel alone then you might as well be with your kids..I can understand that because I feel this way at times too...Why bother to be with someone when your the one who is doing everything alone anyways?? You need to honestly and openly speak to your husband...Let him know how you feel and see how he feels and sees things too...You might just be surprise....If there's anyone who can ease your feelings or reassure your mind and heart it will be him...No matter what you decide always remember to put yourself FIRST....