Can this marriage be saved?

Question

I just got married two months ago to a man I’ve been with for about five years. We have a child. He has an explosive personality, but for the most part, he's a good guy who works hard, is faithful and is a great dad BUT...he has a temper that he can't seem to control. I don't know if his abusive father has anything to do with it since he's the oldest, but he gets so flustered over every little thing and spazzes out when it's not called for. He's started arguing with me at the top of his lungs in front of our child (or when she's sleeping) which has made me extremely concerned.

I know nobody's perfect and everyone has their own quirks but is this something that I have to learn how to deal with? Is there a way to help him with his anger issues or am I kidding myself. Should I consider an annulment?

I love him and my daughter loves him but his outbursts are wearing on my nerves.

Please no sarcastic or rude comments. It would really help to have mature opinions. Thanks.

Answer 1

He needs a therapist and he might suffer from Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You said that his father was abusive. It does not matter what order the children were born in, abusers hurt all of their children. He most likely needs a therapist to help him deal with any type of stress.

My wife was emotionally and physically abused both as a child and in adulthood. She has been going to a therapist for six years now and is taking medicine to control her Complex PTSD. Her explosive outbursts have stopped, but she still has difficulties dealing with stress.

Take care and Good Luck,
Troy

Answer 2

OK - you may not like what I say but I have to say it. You said you have been with him for 5 years so you know what kind of a personality he has and yet you chose to stay with him and have a child with him. The part that scares me is that you say his father was abusive - well - you do have your own answer. This is what he grew up with and from the sound of it he just may follow the path of his father - he sounds like a "loaded gun." I know you love him and your child loves him but unless he gets help to stop his outbursts and handle his anger, you may be in for some really bad times ahead. Is this what you want your child to grow up with? It just keeps the same thing going. If he is a wonderful man in every other way, talk to him, tell him how his outbursts are making you feel. Tell him he must go for counseling because you do not want to see this anger and for your child to see it. This is not a lttle "quirk", this can be something dangerous to you or your child. If he dos not agree to go for help, you may have no other choice but to leave him until he does go for help. And if he does not then you made your world and your child's world a lot safer. I hope it works out for you. Good luck.

Answer 3

Love is the key issue here. If you truly love him and you feel that you want to work on this marriage, I would suggest counseling. Anger management is a very effective form of therapy. Can you get him to go is another story.

If you feel that this relationship is destructive, then maybe you need to consider moving on. Some relationships are toxic, and when you have a toxic relationship, no matter how much you love the individual, you will end up poisoning yourself, and slowly die inside.

I am sorry you have to go through this, it's tough enough having to deal with daily arguing, but when your children are subjected to it, it makes it 10 times more difficult. I left a 20 year marriage because I didn't want my children growing up thinking that a life of daily argument, and a marriage that did not display any love was a "Normal" way of life.

Unfortunately my ex husband did not want to agree to counseling, so I ended the marriage. And, I am happy 6 years down the road. And .. just one last note, my daughter came up to me 6 months after the separation, and told me.. "mom I am sad that you and dad are separated, but I'm glad that you don't fight anymore..." It made me feel so much better about my decision, and I've never looked back.

Good Luck.

Answer 4

You don't need to "educate" her as if she is a dog!!! first of all, your current situation must me the consequence of something... what has been happening between you two?? haven't you tried to consider that she must be even less satisfied than you are?? you are thinking just about "fingering" and stuff like that when maybe the source of the problem is communication?, empathy? and understanding??? anything else Beyond the mere sexual act? And don't even try to take this situation as an excuse and cheat on your wife now!! That would very selfish and even immature for a man of your age... Try to listen what she has to say and DON'T JUDGE her of having traditional thoughts... im sure there's a lot to save in in your marriage, even more after 22 years!!!!! Good luck and sorry If I spoke strongly but men sometimes are so thoughtless....

Answer 5

You've been with him for about 5 years, which should be long enough for you to know whether or not you can live with his temper. Usually, divorce should not be an option. Marriage is a special commitment and often a religious one. Divorce hurts children as well. My dad had a bad temper and my mom would just go to the bedroom, close the door, and be alone. She would just leave when it got too much for her to handle. It would definitely end the argument. When he loses his temper for no good reason, just leave the room when there's a breath taken and go watch tv with your daughter or take your daughter somewhere fun. Your husband will get the clue sooner or later. Maybe his temper will get better over time.

Answer 6

Well, I will state the obvious and that is that I'm sure you knew he was this way long before you married him. You may even have thought that marriage would change him... but it doesn't.

Any marriage can be saved if both are willing to work at it. Have you tried to speak to him about counseling to control his anger or have someone he respects talk to him about it? If he won't listen to you about it or gets upset, perhaps if someone else he respects were to bring it up he may be more open to it. (not saying he doesn't respect you, just saying some people take things the wrong way when it comes from a spouse)

Another option is don't respond to him when he acts that way. It takes two to argue... if you won't, then he will have no one to yell at or argue with and he may realize how silly he is being getting so worked up.

Have you talked to him about why he is so frustrated? Having a child, having to support a family can really stress us out. Do you criticize him alot or say things in a way that makes him feel you are blaming him (ie money problems, etc). Alot of times we wives say things in ways that to our husbands sound naggy and blaming... though we don't mean to, we do and it can really upset our husbands.

Try to talk to him about counseling and at the same time take a hard look at yourself and see if there is anything you can change that would make it easier for him to deal with all the stress. Change starts with you... you can't make him change if he isn't ready, but you can make changes to curb him from being able to behave that way.

Good luck to you!

Answer 7

You cannot make him want to change and if doesnt recognize that he has an anger problem there is nothing you can do except protect yourself and your child. You do run the risk of his temper escallating to physical violence...especially if he grew up with a violent father and never dealt with the abuse he may have suffered at his father's hands. Only you know what is right in this situation. If your spirit is telling you to leave than listen and don't wait...don't wait for him to hit you or your child!!

I'll be praying for you!!

Answer 8

Just two months? Well, you say you love him so try to get help. It IS the fact that he had an abusive father. Have you tried talking to him about it? Before you do anything else talk to him about possibly getting help for the BOTH of you. Don't just say for him because that might offend or upset him. If things do get worse, like he hits you or your daughter, then call the police. Don't think he won't do it again unless he gets help. Once it happens once, it'll keep happening.
Good Luck.

Answer 9

I think we have a similar situation. But we would have to meet each others husbands to know if their outbursts are to the same degree.
I dont think you should hit the divorce courts yet. I am a huge advocate for trying everything you can to save a marriage before throwing it away.

Try counselling? When he yells try standing tall, firm, strong, plant your feet like you expect him to charge you (body language is important) and walk up to him like this looking him fiercly in the eye and tell him that he is being out of line, inappropriate etc etc etc and you WILL not stand for it.
I think anger management classes should also help him alot. If its difficult to suggest either counselling or anger management classes take 100 or 200 pamplets from these centres and cover every inch of the fridge, frame the mirror in the bathroom with them. Put them in his bags and all his pockets etc.
I say be strong, be firm, and be a little out there in your methods. Win him back from the dark side.
For better or for worse remember? Think of his anger as an illness and you have to bring him through it.
I know its difficult, I spent the day crying myself because my husband yelled at me for no reason. But I am determined to bring back the man I married from this monster that seems to be living with me now.

Good luck, have faith and keep thinking of the reasons of why you married him and why you fell in love.

Answer 10

You should not have to learn to deal with it because you have the child to consider.
Unless you are a professional you can' t help him with the anger issues which are escalating and have been learned from his dad.
You should try couples counselling. If he realizes his
problem he will go. If he belittles you or thinks he doesn't have a problem then I think you need an annulment (or a separation if you think there's hope. )
Please talk to someone before this gets worse.