Rate this poem on the scale of 1-10(along with ur suggestions if any amendments r 2 b made).?

Question

Several years have passed by,
But i still think of you.
Our confabs made me shy,
For my emotions were true.
Oh!I still think of you !

That every moment which we spent together,
Are etched in my heart's core.
For you were not just a fair weather friend,
Ergo,our parting for me was a great point of sore.
Oh!I still think of you !

That evey second we squabbled,
Left me with a crying heart.
You were that every reason that gave me a wobble,
When we had to depart.

You made me gay,
Each time you were near.
I feel your presence every day,
Even if you are not here !

Todd,
despite your answer is lengthy(as always),it's always very constructive and thorough .So,thank you!

Answer 1

1,000,000
although i must say no one can make anyone gay.
people are born like that, simple as fact.

Answer 2

Not bad! The first stanza is pretty good (although I'm not sure what a "confab" is) and I think it would have been better to say, "Though our emotions were true" instead of "for my..."

The second stanza's first line is too long...suggest you cut it to, "Every moment we spent together". The second line is off a bit with "are etched in my heart's core"...maybe, "are etched into my heart's core". The beats flow better with that simple change. You should also drop the "for" in the third line and make it just "You were not just a fair-weather friend"...again, the beats would be better without the "for". The fourth line is not good. I know you were looking for something to rhyme with "core"...you could try, "so your leaving hurt me that much more" or "so your departure hurt me that much more"...just a suggestion.

The next stanza...the first line starts on the wrong foot...perhaps move the initial "that" and make it just "Every second that we squabbled"
...but "you were every reason that gave me a wobble"? no way. Find a better line, I know you have one in you. And don't use "depart" in the last line of that stanza...if you "must" use an "art", use "part".

Finally, the last stanza: "you made me gay". If you're intent was to imply homosexuality, great. Gay is a very good word...but its use and meaning has been hi-jacked by the homosexual community and it no longer sounds anything other than either a reference to being homosexual or a double entendre with that same intent. Don't shoot the messenger, just letting you know. I actually like the word, but it won't work unless you really mean to make the homosexual connection. If that was "not" your intent, then try, "You made me feel a certain way, each time you were near, and still I feel your presence every day, Even if you are not here." It would still say what you intended, but avoid the pitfall of a once purely joyful word.

All in all, a good first or second draft. Work on it a bit and it will be a very nice poem.

Answer 3

I absolutely agree with Todd. This piece would make a great Villanelle. I actually thought you were going for a ruba'i. My recomendation to you is similar to Todd: try using a standard for for this one.

Only really one critique: you should stick with the same rhyme and refrain pattern if you decide not to go with the standard form. What I mean is that you should have the same amount of lines in each stanza.

Very well done. Bravo.

I'm going to leave you a link to Wikipedia's page on poetic forms. Not only will this explain the forms to you (near the bottom) but also it will give you lots of information about other poetic devices such as meter and rhyme and iambs.

Good luck, and please keep sharing! Gold star for you!

Answer 4

What I like about this is your final line in the first two stanza's.

I would probably rather see it as:

"Oh! Still I think of you!"

I like the exuberance and the emotion that comes out. I think what might be interesting for you is to try putting this into a type of form (it will probably be hard, and it will probably stretch you, but that's what makes us better writers).

You've seen some of the challenges we've given one another this week, and in every one so far it's been somthing new to me, so I'm not asking you to try something I haven't tried.

I think this might make a good Villanelle. The reason I think that is that "Oh! Still I think of you!" would be a good refrain.

Here's what you can try (thanks for being patient with me):

Your poem would be 19 lines going with the refrain above each line would be 6 syllables. Follow the rhyme scheme Copying the refrain exactly as shown below (I left dylan thomas as an example) I know it may sound complicated but follow the pattern below and you will be fine. It really is quite fun--in a nerdy writing sort of way.

Example:

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.


If you want to try it let me know I think it could make what you have here really effective. I would put the Oh! Still I think of you in the part of the poem where Thomas writes Rage, Rage...

Thanks for bearing with the long answer.

7.5

Take care

Answer 5

Are you running from Love because of a single humiliation?
What do you know of Love except the name?
Love has a hundred forms of pride and disdain,
and is gained by a hundred means of persuasion.
Since Love is loyal, it purchases one who is loyal:
it has no interest in a disloyal companion.
The human being resembles a tree; its root is a covenant with God:
that root must be cherished with all one's might.
A weak covenant is a rotten root, without grace or fruit.
Though the boughs and leaves of the date palm are green,
greenness brings no benefit if the root is corrupt.
If a branch is without green leaves, yet has a good root,
a hundred leaves will put forth their hands in the end.

Answer 6

Well! Hi, I would like to say that you write very good poetry better then me. I am a 14 year old who writes poetry but all lines are rhyming. Well i give you a ten. I'll give you a suggestion. Search for some competition and send your poem . I am sure you'll win it. Don't get discouraged by anyone keep writing.

Answer 7

Anything like this that comes from experience is helpful and poinient. Probably more helpful for the writer than the reader but could also comfort a reader. Personaly I thought the ryming was a little stiled but at the same time well writen.

8

Answer 8

iL supply you a 7 for this properly made poem... you have have been given good variety... Your subject count number style of puzzled me in spite of the undeniable fact that, next time attempt focusing on your subject count number... including the stuff with regard to the corruption of persons and the be conscious impartiality style of contradicted the subject of your poem, in actuality it would not look suitable in any respect. properly, it particularly is my opinion. I enjoyed the 1st stanza, you may carry on with its positivity for the era of the poem. The final stanza became particularly puzzling. carry on with the 1st 2 strains of the final stanza(yet substitute it slightly to "i ask your self, I save questioning, why do i ask your self lots?" substitute the final 2. that's merely my opinion, so please don't get indignant, ok? merely attempting to assist out. save up the coolest artwork! i think of with a sprint extra practice, you will do alright. enhance this slightly and it will completely be great for publishing.

Answer 9

A scale 1-10 [ I give it a 10 because your poem came from the heart and I love it.
Keep it up .
Good luck?

Answer 10

your were reaching in the poem to make it rhyme and so the rhyming actually became counter productive to the message.

Expression before form.

I give it a 5

Answer 11

beautiful
sounds like it is coming from the heart
honey i would definitaley give that a 10
can i steal it and save it n my computer?? lol
its really good, i feel the same way as the author of the poem is feeling to the person she is writing to