For 10 points: Dating question?

Question

This question is open to both guys and gals. Say that you are a guy who is on a date with a girl. During the date, you open the doors for her, pull out her chair, and even pay for the dinner. You are basically being a gentleman, like both your mother and father raised you. During the dinner, she tells you that "I don't believe that gentlemanliness constitutes respect and I find it patronizing and sexist."

What would you think about what this girl said?
What would you say to her face if you were the guy?
Do all women feel this way?
Are any women in this category have this belief system?
Is the women at the date correct for saying that?
Are both parents wrong for raising their sons to be a gentlemen towards women?

10 points goes to the person with the most insight and answers all the questions above.

I did not want to tell anyone, but I was in shock when she said this. I did not say anything the rest of the date. I went home and cried in my room. My mom and dad asked me what was wrong, but I did not tell them. I was mad at the girl and my parents for teaching me to be a gentleman. I had no one to talk to, so my friend said I should talk to you guys.

Ms. Rio Madeira. I am new to yahoo. I'm just trying to get thru the summer so I can finish my senior year. I did not understand what you wrote in terms of if I got the question from you. I tried to go to your Profile, but it is private. It seems like you are blaming both my parents for not telling me. Aren't you assuming that they both knew that women are like that? It seems like you carry a lot of anger towards men and you are giving all the wonderful ladies who gave me great answers and hope a bad name. I'm shocked that someone who is the top best answer in this category has a belief system like yours, but I guess it shows me that I have a lot to learn about life and how to avoid women like yourself, Ms. Rio Madeira. You wrote that you think that you have the most insight, but it just shows your ignorance and hatred towards men and good ladies. I will pray for you and people like you tonight.

Answer 1

I would think that the girl is extremely rude. The guy is trying his best to treat her well, and instead of showing any appreciation, she is insulting him for it. How is doing favors for someone patronizing? Regardless of how she feels about his behavior, if she has any class, she should not insult him the way you describe.

I think that the type of guy that you describe would have enough class to simply say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. This is the way that I was raised to behave, and it's the way that I show respect toward you. If you would like for me to take you home now, I understand." He should demean himself by sinking to her level of rudeness.

No, all women do not feel this way, as I'm sure you can tell fro the responses you get to this question.

I don't know who might have this belief system. If someone believes that traditional "gentlemanliness" is sexist, that is fine, but it's no excuse to be rude to someone.

No, no, no, the woman in the date is not correct in saying that. She doesn't have to like traditional chivalry, but she shouldn't be insulting about it either.

Parents are not wrong to raise their sons to be gentlemen. Parents should raise all children, boys and girls, to show respect and consideration to those around them. People express consideration and respect in different ways. Parents do the best that they can in teaching their children what society will expect from them.

Many many women may feel threatened by chivalry because they think that the men expect submissiveness or subordination in return. They may think that pulling out a woman's chair or opening the door implies that she is too weak to perform these actions herself.

Society is going through a transition in which the sexes have to find new ways of dealing with each other. Gender roles are changing, and this change can cause a lot of problems, since people are not able to correctly interpret another's actions, or to predict how their own actions will be interpreted. We can only hope that as we develop new cultural norms that those around us will be patient and try to understand the intent of our actions.

EDIT: I just wanted to let you know that all the women in a group I hang out with are s-o-o-o jealous that my boyfriend is courteous, just like you. Please, don't let one bad experience get you down. Part of dating is learning what traits you value in a partner. There are MANY more women who will value you as a true gentleman than who will resent you for it!

Also, remember that the kind of girl who will appreciate your courtesy is the kind of girl who will give you courtesy in return. I'll bet that someday you will be happy with your parents for showing you how to be the type of many that a kind, courteous, and respectable woman will want to be with.

That girl sounds immature, and she may change her tune with time. One day she may regret that she gave up the chance to spend time with a real man who knew how to treat her well.

Answer 2

I'm sorry that you had to go thru that on your date..

1). I think that any girl who says that "I don't believe that gentlemanliness constitutes respect and I find it patronizing and sexist" is screwed up in the Head...I would ask her if she was abused by her father as a child....

2). I would tell her that she should be grateful that someone like me would be a gentleman towards you....I would tell her that she needs to apologize for being such a rotten girl with a rotten belief system towards men...

3). I don't think that all women think this way, but I think that it is a small %....

4). Unfortunately, there are some women in this category (they know who they are) that act like this....

5). The girl on the date was incorrect for saying that....

6). Your parents were both right for raising you that way....

In conclusion, any women who says that she doesn't believe that gentlemanliness constitutes respect and finds it patronizing and sexist, is No Roll Model for any women, whether in Womens Studies or in Life in general...

I Hope This Helps....

Answer 3

Whoa buddy, that girl is ridiculous. I'm much like you are, and normally girls find this to be a very attractive asset. Anyway, here are some answers to your questions.

What I would think about what she said -
I would think she's a little too radical for my taste. I mean, you're trying to be nice, and you are not doing these things to be demeaning, but you are doing them because you respect her. I would consider it incredibly rude if I took a girl out on a date, and she said that. Unless she clarified her statement or had some kind of a follow up that respectully explained herself, she would not get a second date.

What would I say to her?
Honestly, I'm not sure. More than likely, I would say something along the lines of "I'm sorry if I offended you, but I do not do these things to belittle women or seem sexist. I do them because I respect women, and it is a way that I express that respect." I'd then see how she reacted, and maybe i'd ask her to clarify her views a little better by asking a couple of questions about why she feels that way. If she does feel the way she made it seem, then I would probably say something along the lines of "well, I'll try to keep that in mind if we go out again, but I don't know that I'm going to completely change." If she doesn't respect your differing opinion, then she's not worth keeping around.

Do all women feel this way?
Definitely not. I am the same way you are, and typically women view this as a huge turn on. I never had a woman complain to me about this, but I have had countless girls compliment me on it.

Any women in this category have this belief?
I have no idea, but there may be a few. Trust me though, it is an overwhelming minority.

Is the girl correct for saying that?
Well, everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. If she feels that way, then okay. Let her date jerks who treat her like dirt. Don't let it get to you because it is much better for you to behave the way you do.

Are parents wrong for raising their sons to be a gentleman towards women?
Absolutely not. A gentleman understands that everyone has their own opinions, and he can treat women with respect, and he should know if this offends her, then he can respectfully disagree and choose not to see her any more.

That really sucks man. I'm sure it will all work out for the best. Just to try and help, here are a couple suggestions for you about this kind of thing that i've learned in my experiences:


Paying for dates: I always go to pay for the date, regardless of how long I've been dating the girl. Some girls don't make any effort to, and thats fine by me because I'm kind of traditional. If a girl does make an effort on the first date, say some kind of a joke like "i've got it. If you decide to keep me around, then we can start splitting." or "Oh no, you've already wasted a couple hours on me. No need to waste your money too." If she offers again, just say, "it's okay, I've got it." If she offers a third time, say okay we can split it. No point in making a big deal of it because it really isn't a big deal. for most girls now adays, after you've been dating awhile, you'll end up splitting it more often, but I'll always still move to pay it.

Pulling out the chair: This is kind of a tough one. If I cook dinner for a girl, I'll do this. Or if I'm taking her to a really nice place, I will do this, but often times at nice restaurants, the host will do it instead. Do not do this if you're just taking her to like applebees. It just looks kinda dumb, or it makes her think that Applebees is the nicest restaurant you will go to.

Opening/Holding the door: This is also kind of a tough one because places have so many friggin doors nowadays. If you hold the first one, she ends up having to get the next one. Don't make it awkward. Just open the door, hold it for her, and if you're close enough to get the next one, get that one too, but don't go overboard trying. As far as car doors go, always open hers and let her get in and close it, then go around to yours. If you date a girl for a long time tho, she may tell you that she can get her door, so if you get to taht point, you may want to only do it when it is convenient for you to do it. She'll appreciate it and not feel bad that you're going out of your way in the rain.

Anyway, I hope this helped ya out some. Don't let that girl get you too down cuz most girls definitely do not agree with her.

Answer 4

My first response would be to ask her why she couldn't be nicer about this. If she responded nastily, I would spend the date taking her feminist inventory,......asking her difficult questions about female accountability and the power of female beauty. She'd probably walk out pretty quick, but I'd have time to give her something to consider the next time she gets asked out on a date.
Most women do not feel this way, and if they do, they'll be much nicer about it.
The woman is not correct for dealing with this "issue" this way.
The only thing your parents seemed to miss is informing you of the risks of dating today's woman. Even the women you're referring to wants a gentleman, she's just very misled and projecting bitterness inappropriately.

Answer 5

well personally my bf is very much like this and i love it he is a lovely man.
1. I would think the girl is a rude *****.
2. if i was the guy i would tell her where to go and how to get their and end the date there and then
3. I don't think many women think this way (but there are some)
4. i don't have this believe system
5. no she is not correct and needs to find some basic manners
6. no the parents would have raised a lovely women respecting young man

Answer 6

As a feminist she wants to be treated as an equal.

If you were eating out with your male buddy would you pay for his meal. You paid for hers so you weren't showing equality.

1) I would think this girl is the first real feminist who wants to treated like I treat men

2) You are correct and we will share all expenses from now on.

3) Only true feminists feel this way. So no, most women are not true feminists.

4) Not a woman so cant tell you

5) She is correct. If she is your intellectual equal you should divide all responsibilities equally.

6) Well the era has changed. Today and in the future you should treat men and women equally. They are one and the same.

Answer 7

Pal, she's a feminist and they call your behavior "benevolent sexism." Honest feminists reject it. But, not all are so blunt.

Answers:

1. I would thank her for being an honest and consistent feminist. (At least she's not hypocritical in not wanting equality only when it benefits her.)

2. I would thank her but tell her that we are probably not compatible because I prefer not to my lady equally to men. I treat them like ladies.

3. Nope. Very few. Even most feminists will put equality aside to enjoy this unequal treatment.

4. Rio and Girly McFemale are two of the few that I have read that reject “benevolent sexism. Also, waswisgirl1.

5. Sure, she was being honest albeit blunt.

6. No, most women are not feminists, so you are safe. Keep openin' them doors, just check first to see if they have a NOW card.

I respect any feminist who truly expects to be treated equally to men, even it if means she pays her own way and opens her own doors. Feminism, by definition, demands that men and women be treated equally. Fine.

One of the many examples of feminist hypocrisy: The greater percentage of feminists insist on maintaining the female perks of "the patriarchy" yet still say they insist on "equality".

Answer 8

Thumbs up to your Mom and Dad! Sounds like they have done a fine job of raising you.
Being respectful is neither patronizing nor sexist. I can't see why any woman would want to be treated like "one of the guys", but I guess I would have to tell the date that I meant no 'disrespect' to her, but that your parents had instilled certain values in you and by acting anything but respectful to a woman (or to anyone) that you would be showing disrespect for your parents.
Personally, I have no problem with myself as a woman, and I love it when men treat me as such.
The category your describing is feminism (or as I see it---De-feminizing) I guess she could say it if she wanted to, but I don't really see the need in it, or why she wouldn't enjoy the special attention.
Neither of your parents are wrong for raising their sons to be gentlemen and when you find the right girl, she (and you) will be glad they did.

Answer 9

Sorry but I have to ask: why did she let you pay for the dinner after saying all that????
I mean if she really believed in this idea she is misled or too young and just discovered "FEMINISM" but either way she should pay half.But letting you pay means she did not really believe at that statement. She just wanted to show you who is the boss......
She is a nutcase. Stay away!!!!! And don't worry about her. I think she will find the exact kind of treatment she wants.

Answer 10

I personally love to be treated like a lady. I'd also be be willing to bet most females do. Just chalk that encounter up as a learning experience. She was not for you. I think she was rude. Trust me there are plenty of girls out there that will appreciate you. Don't give up on us!!