i need your opinion on my writing..?

Question

(i think it's kind of emo, but i hope ud share ur opinion on it)
thx!


final destination

amidst the uncomfortable chapter of her existence
curled up in one corner,
hearing eerie whispers of utmost silence
her fragile heart clasped within tight fists
ready to shatter any time from now.
still awake in the wee hours of dawn.
waiting patiently....
for nothing...
she shivers upon hearing his name
not of fear,
but by the coldness it brings.....
1.. 2.. 3..
she sat....
..4.. 5.. 6..
..thought..
..7.. 8..
..and prayed..
.. 9.....
BANG!

and to add up.. i am way far from doing this.. not exactly my field

Answer 1

Whew! Kinda much for early morning but good.

Answer 2

Okay...here goes...you indicate that this is an "uncomfortable chapter" in her existence. Well, there is a big difference between "uncomfortable" and "unbearable". Most people don't shoot themselves when life is "uncomfortable"...see the difference?

"hearing eerie whispers of utmost silence"...what is "utmost silence"? I'm not sure you can pair those two words in that manner. You can say "unearthly silence" or "uninterupted silence" or "stuttered silence"...but not "utmost silence." Find a better word combination there.

"ready to shatter any time from now"...do you mean "ready to shatter any time now"? or "ready to shatter at any time"? "from now" does't fit.

"wee hours" is too light an expression for such a dark poem. Try something heavier, darker, like "ghostly hours of dawn" or "cold, cold hours of dawn" or "black-fanged hours of dawn" or "cold hand hours of dawn".

"waiting patiently for nothing"??? If she's waiting for "nothing", then she's not waiting. If she's waiting for "nothingness"! now that's another matter! think about it.

"she shivers upon hearing his name"...spoken by whom? Did she speak it? Did he ring the doorbell or knock on the door? Why did we miss it? If not, then you need to say something like "she shivers upon recalling his name" or "she shivers at the sound of his name echoing in her brain"

The countdown...why? was someone counting down to her? If not, why was she counting...and if she was counting towards her own annihilation...wouldn't she have been doing it "backwards?" you know, 10, 9, 8...etc.?

and all this because it was an "uncomfortable time"? Nope...rewrite it, correct your errors, then repost. I think it might have been an okay poem, though dark, but you need to do some editing.

Don't give up, rewrite...there's a poem in there.

Answer 3

I loved " uncomfortable chapter of her existence." followed by "curled up in a corner."

Together, those phrases spoke to me of books and the reading of them. In fact, they invited me to "read" something about you. I wanted to be there with you.

"She shivers upon hearing his name
not of fear
but by the coldness it brings...." doesn't tell me anything, really, although, I'm fairly certain those words are important to you.

The ending helps even less. Oh sure, we can guess, but I think, self-indulgent.

My take.

Answer 4

I know you need my opinion...

Sounds like this chick is a victim of her own mind. Her own subjectivity swallows her into an neurotic existence that creates a perpetual state of victimization. However, the individual actually prefers this state because it is her comfortable norm. Somehow it delivers her from the mundane existence she knew in previous self definitions.

She will not end her life because she prefers to suffer in this way.

Answer 5

It's quite moving, to say the least.

My heart goes to her who is curled up in one corner.

And I really hope to be not the one who was
coming up the stairs at the count of ten.

Keep it up.

Aref

Answer 6

to try and 'rationalize' anothers poetry or writing's is not right. it comes from a place deep in a soul that can not be touched by any kind of light, unless that box is opened up for the world to see. you opened the box. i think it is a great write. it takes guts to share your words, it truly does. from one poet to another...salud...

great write. you should write more often.

Answer 7

ask your english teacher or go to a college and ask a teacher for an anylest to read your stuff.

Answer 8

so much pain involved in this poem,
much do I feel the same.
but the bang.

Answer 9

Ah.

Well.

A bit morbid, don't you think?

Answer 10

weak parts,lost meanings,sad not suicidal,