from photography to poetry let me know?

Question

I am a photographer by trade, and I enjoy writing as a recreation. I have not done much poetry, and I thought I would come here for feedback on something I have written. This poem is based partly on a photo I took and on an ex-gf who I am still friends with.
constructive criticism is greatly appreciated.

Your eyes define
your grit, your tenacity.
Your eyes define your emotions
even when you try to hide them
your eyes define
the beat in your heart
and the music in your soul
Your eyes define
your beauty, inside and out
your eyes are the definition of you
to me.


The photo I used for part of the inspiration can be found at this web address

http://s177.photobucket.com/albums/w231/mcphilosopher/?action=view¤t=youreyes.jpg

thanks,

Answer 1

I see your poem and I want to like it...and I do in a way. The problem is that its repetition tries to make up for a lack of substance. If you forget the fact that it's a little shallow (sorry, but that's the word that fits), the repeated lines break up the flow. At best, you could have written it like this:

Your eyes define
your grit, tenacity, emotions
even when you try to hide them

your eyes define
the beat in your heart, the music in your soul
your beauty, inside and out

your eyes are the definition of you
.....to me.

And even then, it reads more like a love letter from the heart than a poem for pubic consumption.

One thing to understand: if you're going to write about a subject that has been written about several thousand times, you need to find a fresh perspective. "You" have that perspective...the photograph! You should use "that" as your focal point.

You're a photographer, so you understand "depth of field"...open the apature and narrow that depth of field so that your words make us focus on some character of her eyes as you look at the photograph...make us see what you see...take us with you. "That" would be poetry.

Your heart is in the right place and you've obviously a creative mind...use it! Keep at it until your poem comes into focus for us all.

Answer 2

Maybe some comunication related career can be good for you, like ads, marketing, or even TV or radio but there are some people who lives only by photography or poetry. There is even some colleges who teach photography or poetry. If you can not convince your parents you can get a job to independence yourself and pay the studies you want. Also you can choose a related career and study more of photography or poetry with an ordered schedule, if you can not get independence.

Answer 3

The poem didn't bring any new insight to me or to the topic, but I thought it was sincere. I thought that I would be flattered if a man presented it to me, even with its imperfections.

The photo, on the other hand, was a shock to my senses. I felt taken in clicking on the url to see a photo that looked like something straight out of CSI or Criminal Minds.

What was your intention? How did the photo inspire the poem? I thought it was disturbing. Have I totally missed the point?

Answer 4

Stick to photography, it didn't touch any emotion. I don't know if this came from the heart, or from the brain... honestly your photography is good, but the poem I just don't feel it, it seemed to plain for me, didn't make me want to read more. Sorry.

Answer 5

Some poems should be kept to just the parties involved.

This is one.

I will never see what you do in those eyes.

Answer 6

I think Poem more than photography, I can not appreciating this picture and say nothing!

Answer 7

The repition of "Your eyes define" was great, but I would suggest to seperate them into several stanzas. It was good.

Answer 8

Good writing, I enjoyed the read, keep up the good work, thanks for asking.