Question? Why?!?

Question

A few weeks ago my cousin died and I went to his funeral. Out of no where I just broke and started to cry and couldn't stop, I got up and ran down the asiel knocking people out of the way a few tried to grab my arm, but I just yanked my arm out of the way/out of their grasp. We were close, we told eachother everything. What made it worse I witnessed what happened, he got between me and a bank robber and the bank robber shot him. I was doing my job, he was just an innocent bystander! I keep hearing his last words "I love you." over and over. 'Til I feel like I'm going insane!! Why did he have to die? Why not me? Those images and questions kept going through my head. After I turned in my badge and gun, I started to see a theripist, but it's not helping, she's to intent on trying to fix the problem by trowing more pills down my throught, so I'm changeing theripists but I know they'll probably just do the samething. Why do I feel like choke my cousin? Why do I feel like I have so much

botteled up anger? I yelled and screamed so much I've had a head ach for a week. I punched the crap out of my punching bag. I've done everything I useally do when I'm feeling down, shop, eat chocolate, punch, kick, scream, yell, and even exercised. Why aren't I feeling at least a little bit better? It frustrates me sooo much. help.

Answer 1

Sweetheart I am so sorry for your loss.

You are going through deep depression and deep grief. What you feel is normal.

While anti depression meds will help for the depression I think you need to talk this out with a competent therapist.

This happened. He made a reflex move to protect someone he cared about. Right now you may be suffering from some Post Traumatic Stress. You can get through this. And things will get better eventually

Your cousin would want you to just keep trying to get on with your life. You owe it to him to get through this and to have a happy successful life.