first i told him i kissed another man and that night he said "i can't believe you let another man kiss you' and went to sleep somewhat upset. The next day I confessed i slept with another man and he was upset but didn't get crazy angry yelling or anything. He was quiet and locked himself in the room. His reaction is that of a man who doesn't really love me. He didn't get extremely angry like I definitely would have. What gives?
2007-07-22 12:25:01 · 43 answers · asked by Angie 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
It was good of you to be honest but I think you just broke his heart.
2007-07-22 12:27:18 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
A man's reaction will be different from one man to the next. Some yell. Some throw things. Some cry. Some lock themselves in the bedroom.
You say he "doesn't really love me" because of his reaction.....and if you believe that, you're a fool. Or maybe you're just looking for an excuse to get out of the relationship?
"What gives" is that you are a cheater, who is trying to get of her marriage. If you REALLY wanted to save this, you should have gone into counseling to deal with WHY you cheated and to have someone who could make you accountable for your behavior without telling him.
WHY did you tell him??? It might have made you feel better....and it hurt him. That, on top of the fact that you're a cheater...
makes you pretty pathetic and selfish.
2007-07-22 12:31:19 · answer #2 · answered by lady_phoenix39 6 · 4⤊ 0⤋
I believe the reason you told your husband of your infedility was to get a reaction out of him. I believe the reason you slept with another man in the first place is because you are unsure of how your husband feels about you. You want him to get cranky, you want him to show you he is upset? So is the problem with you or with him? It is with you first because you chose to go sleep with another man. It is also with you because you chose to sleep with another man instead of discussing your feelings with your husband. But underneath all of that, the reason you had the affair was because your husband wasnt showing you the affection you needed. Peel away all the layers and get to the bottom of this problem. The reason he locked himself in his room is probably the way he has always reacted and possibly the reason you feel insecure about his love. He has locked you out of his feelings.....you dont know where you stand.....you dont know if he loves you or not because he locks his feelings away and probably the reason you felt you needed to be in the arms of someone else. We all need to feel love....not just hearing the words...although that is nice too, but we need to be shown how much we are loved and I get the impression your husband is not showing you that. Talk to your husband, tell him what you need and what he hasnt been providing for you. I dont believe you would have slept with another man, let alone tell your husband if your husband was providing all your needs. Maybe this is the time to be open and honest about your feelings......tell him the reason you needed to be with another man. Maybe go to counselling which will help both of your learn how to communicate your needs to each other.
2007-07-22 12:43:43 · answer #3 · answered by rightio 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, I went to the trouble of looking at all of your questions - and I'm guessing that "handsome hunk" of 3 months back got you started. I'm sure the "my husband called me a ***$$$$" had something to do with it.
Men react differently than women - but his reaction doesn't really mean anything.
What you need to decide is, do you want in or out - your husband already lost his job, you're making 55K in NYC, which is not enough for a family of 4 - and someone gives you some hot sex (which is probably an escape). I suspect you told your husband to get back at the A** comment.
If you want the marriage to work, ask your husband if he wants the marriage to work - if both of you agreet, go to retrouvaille.org and sign up for a couples weekend. If you can't pay, they can do it for free for you.
if you don't want it to work, then think about how the heck you're going to raise 2 young children in NYC on your wages alone - no child support from a non -working ex spouse - I think it's a tough row to hoe, going it alone. And if he doesn't beat you, but just withdraws, retrouvaille teaches you about those types and how to work with them.
2007-07-22 15:27:25 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
When I found out my husband cheated I was so stuned that I could barely talk let alone scream. That was more than three months ago. I've yelled, cried and everything in between since then. Don't assume his reaction means he doesn't love you. He probably just can't wrap his mind around what has happened.
2007-07-22 13:51:43 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
May I ask you a question? What did yo expect to get out of hurting your husband? Was this news something he really needed to hear (ESPECIALLY if you never plan on doing it again) or were you just trying to make yourself feel better?
People react to being hurt in different ways. Does he normally get all yelly when he's upset? Also, why are you questioning his love for you? Look what you did to him, do you really love him? Was this some kind of test because it just backfired.
I think you need to see a marriage councellor. I hope it all works out for the best for both of you.
2007-07-22 12:33:31 · answer #6 · answered by tetlitea 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think that you should be glad that he didn't get mad and start yelling. He probably locked himself in the room because he was exercising restraint. It seemed to me that you were looking for a response but didn't get the one that you wanted. If I were you I sit him down and explain to him the details about what happened and tell him that you are truly sorry about what happened because it doesn't seem like you are.
2007-07-22 12:51:45 · answer #7 · answered by TELO 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hey.....When a person acts like that, doesn't mean that he doesn't love you.....But I can tell that it could be something worst......He locked himself, not only in his room, but you made him built a giant firewall around his feelings and thoughts, and that's worst than yelling....because, eventhough he could've been expecting this from you, he is so hurt that the best thing he could do is hide his feelings because he might be thinking that his feelings doesn't matter to you at all....
I am like that...and the worst part is, that behavior sooner or later makes us explode without thinking about anything else....the best thing you could do right now is to talk to him about your motives and even if it was his fault, try to make it look like he's kind of a victim so he could express himself without feel acussed....then ask him (don't make decisions 4 him) ASK him what would be better for your relationship...continue like it never happened (but you have to work it out HARD) or if he wants some time (expect the worst) or look for counseling...
Anyways, even if sometimes we have more that one motive to do things like that, the easiest way is not the right one....Next time, think about STD and pregnancies and obssessive men that could put you and your family in danger...
Talk to him and never do that again...
2007-07-22 12:40:15 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
HE CARES AND LOVES YOU...
he was upset you let another man kiss you. he was upset that you slept with another man. i am glad he did not go crazy angry and break something or hurt you. he is probably shocked and still trying to process what you told him. he is hurt and devastated that you the woman he loves had sex with another man. perhaps he feels like he is lacking because if he was good enough then you would not have had sex with another man.
he went to his cave to think. he needs some time alone to comprehend and figure out what you told him and to figure out how to fix your marriage. (1)
please consider reading seven principles for making marriage work by john gottman, phD and 10 lessons to transform your marriage especially chapter 2 which deals with cheating/affairs.
2007-07-22 12:43:31 · answer #9 · answered by :-D 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You already depressed him the night before, and then the second action turned him off completely. He locked himself in the room because he doesn't want to have anything to do with you.
2007-07-22 12:28:47 · answer #10 · answered by bo, kingpin at large 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Your husband seems to have more control of his
life than you do. Did you cheat to see if he would
get angry or cheat for the fun of it. Either way now
he knows you are a cheater and if later he leaves
you then you will know why, and when you have
no one then it will not matter who gets mad or not.
2007-07-22 14:18:19 · answer #11 · answered by RudiA 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋