with all these finding about underachievment in single parent children and a pole shown on the BBC news the other day that children would rather the few upsets that happen in the family and wouldnt have it split for the world when should you call it a day ?
2007-07-22 11:08:32 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Its a great idea but seldom works. Sooner or later its becomes a disaster with both parents at each others throat and then what do the kids see.Unfortunately, there is no easy answer to these situations but staying together for the kids alone never works for the better and actually things get worse and more dangerous. The kids will eventuallybe drawn in between you two and thats not good at all. Forget all the polls as they are taken under ideal situations and never take all the details into effect. Only you really know your family and how much it can take before it self-destructs
2007-07-22 11:27:04 · answer #1 · answered by Arthur W 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My own personal suspicion about their under achievement is that it has more to do with witnessing the types of family interactions that lead to divorce than that they have only one parent in the home.
I don't think anyone can accurately make a blanket statement that being raised by only one parent causes children to fail. There are so many factors involved in a person's emotional, social, and intellectual development, it is hard to point to one factor in isolation and say, "That was the reason he failed".
The child's inherited tendencies toward certain behavior patterns could be one determining factor in their future success. Those low achievers could just be the offspring of people who persistently make bad choices, or who give up before they've given themselves a chance to succeed.
The next thing I'd like you to do is define "unhappy relationship." For some people, that means, "Gee, my spouse has become annoying lately. I think I'd rather be with someone else." If that's the case, it is no reason to break up a family. At the other extreme is, "I don't have the right to a thought of my own, I never know what mood he's going to be in from moment to moment, and he finds any excuse he can to hit me." Could staying in that kind of a relationship possibly result in children who are successful and well adjusted? No. Would leaving that person be better for your children than staying? Not necessarily.
Would the children in the second example vote to keep their families together? Yes. Always. Should their desire to have their parents stay together in this situation be the determining factor in whether or not there is a divorce? No. One of their parents could end up dead.
2007-07-22 11:46:13 · answer #2 · answered by Mattie D 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, it simply doesn't work. The kids will suffer more in the long run if you try to tough it out for their sake. I know this from experience. I would strongly suggest that you try counselling because even if it seem really bad sometimes these things can be turned around, but if it is too badly broken them you really have no choice.
The under achievement you refer to only happens when the children are seperated from one or other of their parents or if the relationship with one parent becomes irregular or infrequent leading to insecurity and fear in the children. Provided you both maintain a regular relationship with your children they will be fine. Basically this means that you both have to make the effort to ensure that the children are not affected by the relationship breaking down. If you end up with primary custody you have to make sure that your ex sees the children enough to build a solid relationship with them.
This is easier said than done as invariably one or other parent will react badly to the relationship ending. A bit of patience, understanding and a committment by you both to do what is best for the children will help everything work out ok in the end.
The kids are not going to like it initially but you would be surprised how resillient they are and how quickly they adapt. My kids love the situation. They get double christmas and birthday presents, two completely different styles of parenting and a much larger social network. On top of this they know that both their parents love them to bits and are always going to be there for them, and that's the really important thing.
2007-07-22 11:33:11 · answer #3 · answered by Shakespeare 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It depends on what is making you unhappy...if it's abuse or affairs or drugs, etc. you need to walk FOR the children.
However, if it's just a bunch of annoyances...these must be overlooked so the children can have an intact home.
People always talk about how they argue too much with their spouse...it takes TWO to argue, so if one stops then the other has no challenge.
All you can do is be the best spouse you can be under the circumstances...show your best to the children, be the one who is respectful.
If you leave your mate..think about how chaotic it would be for the children...back and forth between two homes...possibly a new boyfriend, girlfriend, step-parent. Just a lot more chaos for the kids who are much better off with Mom and Dad under ONE roof.
Unless, of course, the mate is a drinker, abuser or adulterer...then all bets are OFF.
Best of Luck!
2007-07-22 11:21:19 · answer #4 · answered by weebleswobble 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
honestly I am in the same fix as you. I have also been in a very bad marriage before now. My first marriage was 9 yrs with 4 kids envolved. I didn't want to leave because I didn't want to hurt my children by splitting their home. I finally walked when I realized that it was not only destroying me but my kids too. My son (the oldest) was acting out at home and in school. He was always angry and hateful. he didn't care anymore. My oldest daughter stayed locked in her room and was very shut-off to everyone. That is when i said enough was enough.
I know your not me and you have to decide on your on. The thing is that you have to ask yourself is 2 questions...
1 Is this unheathy relationship also unheathy for the children.
2 Am I willing to put my personal happiness and feelings in front of my childrens'?
Please remeber, you can't make anyones' life happy if you are unhappy. I hope this helps.
2007-07-22 11:19:27 · answer #5 · answered by GRITS 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Absolutely NOT! For one thing, for the BBC to conduct a poll and quiz the children is not accurate. Of course kids will say they prefer having the parents together. It's only natural for them to want the family to remain intact. However......This situation happened to me. My husband worked second shift, I worked first shift. We saw each other only on weekends and when weekends rolled around, we fought: About the children, about financial situations, about the house, etc. I tried to stay together for the sake of my three children, but it got to the point it was not helping anyone to remain in the marriage. When he moved out and I filed for divorce, the kids finally found that you can live together HAPPILY and thanked me for allowing peace to finally enter our household. And for your information, though it was difficult financially to be a single parent, all three of my children are now in college and all have been on the Dean's List for outstanding grades. So, forget the poll and do what you feel is right in your heart. You and your children WILL survive.
2007-07-22 11:18:09 · answer #6 · answered by lsah1852 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Aside from abuse, adultery, or addiction, you should only call it a day when the two of you have done everything humanly possible to coexist...when you can leave knowing in your heart that you did everything you could with no regrets, and you feel at peace with your decision.
I have been divorced for 7 years, and have a 14 and 16 year old daughters who are not only on the honor roll, but 16 year old maintains above 4.0 average in honors classes. It is in the way that you parent, and the fact that you are available for them always, not the fact that they come from broken homes.
2007-07-22 11:48:21 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you should at least try first if all else fails then seperate and divorce but most people don't even try to compromise and find something in the marriage that makes them happy they just decided I'm unhappy and I want out thats wrong its not just about you and your happiness when your married its also about your wife/husband and kids happiness to. Life isn't always happy everybody deals with everyday life and it can be stressful and you end up taking it out on your partner welcome to adulthood . You did get married for better or worse try whatever it takes to make the marriage work if nothing works then I understand if you get a divorce. Inless theres abuse or something like that then yes divorce right away.But thats just my opinion.
2007-07-22 11:37:48 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I hear you!!! No good answer... The best you can do is try and if that doesn't work, you need to make sure that you divorce on good terms no matter what! Nothing is worse for kids than after a divorce you both act like you absolutly hate each other!!! You did love each other, so act like you still care, especially in front of your kids!
2007-07-22 11:18:14 · answer #9 · answered by sugar 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i think kids rather grow up with one happy peaceful parent then with two fighting parents or disliking each other.
2007-07-22 11:16:00 · answer #10 · answered by not this way 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋