Should I leave my husband after two decades for another man?

Question

I have told my husband that I can no longer with his negativity and bad attitude any more and it stresses me out. Also, he doesn't hardly show me affection except in bed. I have been talking to an old classmate for two years now. He had been trying to contact me for 32 years and had a crush on me in school. I know now that we had a physical attraction at first but now it has changed. I love him because of his good attitude. I tend to be negative but I am very positive around people who are positive. I worry about my health due to the stress from my husband's negativity. This man is also very smart and not afraid to say or show his feelings. He is also married to a negative person. We are constantly asking questions to make sure we are compatible. We plan on being together after his youngest graduates from high school. The hard part is whether we can live with the hurt it will cause our spouses and families. I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life.

Thanks for all the input. I do think I need to be on my alone for awhile. The Army is providing me some alone time. The last time I did grow and became more confident. I have been working on my marriage for 10 years now. I hug, kiss and give my husband head massages when he has a headache, etc. but to no avail. I am also in therapy. I don't know what to do to help my marriage. My husband is negative and that's how he is. I don't want to live with it any more.

Yes, I am cheating and I feel really bad about it. I have been telling him for over 20 years what I need. I have not cheated on him before that. I have been working hard on our marriage. I encourage him about his work and tell him how I appreciate that he takes care of his body and what a cute butt he has. Our sex life has improved, too. I don't know what else to do?

My husband tells me he couldn't have gotten where he is today if it weren't for me. I have encouraged him all through his career. We have an empty next now so we go out on dates. We have a lot of fun. Don't get me wrong. . .I enjoy things we do together. I do still have feelings for him. This old classmate lives 12 hours away from me so it hasn't gotten physical yet. Yes, I know the saying the grass seems greener on the other side. We have talked about that. That is why we are constantly asking each other questions about things. We discuss how we are feeling no matter what it is. We are to the point that we will discuss it even though it may hurt the other one. We both feel that if it was meant to be then it will. We both feel we need to date to see if we can stand being with each other. I will leave my husband first before I do.

I am disappointed about the immature responses. I honestly need advice.

Answer 1

It sounds like you still have some hope for your marriage but aren't sure what else to do. Maybe you should sit your husband down for a chat. I know you said you talked to him before but maybe he didn't realize how bad you've been feeling. Tell him how serious the situation is and that you are thinking about leaving him. I would also tell him you've been in contact with this other man and that it has started to bring up feelings that you can't ignore anymore. If you make it clear to him that your marriage could be ending it may wake him up. If it does i would suggest you cut off all contact with the other guy and try to work together with your husband to make your marriage work. It sounds like you do try and maybe if he knew how your feeling and how serious your problems are he'll work to help fix them too. If it doesn't work then I'd get a divorce as soon as possible and try being alone for a while without either man.

Although I don't entirely agree with your making plans to leave your husband for this other guy before your even sure your marriage can't be saved, I do think that you waiting until after the divorce to enter a physical relationship is the right thing to do and I commend you for it.

Good Luck

Answer 2

Only you can answer if the positives still out weigh the negatives. Sounds like you are ready to move on to something far more healthy... for BOTH of you. If you already know, why delay the inevitable? Do it now, rather than waiting o hurt your spouses more by living a lie. No matter what you decide, be honest. You can't go wrong that way.

Answer 3

I bet you probably think that it is all your husbands fault that things are so bad because of his negativity, but what have you done to contribute to the downfall of your marriage? No one is perfect in any relationship, we all have things we contribute to either making our marriages stronger or making it miserable. What have you done to improve your marriage? What changes have you made in your thinking and behavior? Your husbands bad attitude may have a negative affect on your marriage but so does you emotional unfaithfulness. Think about your wedding vows, think about how you felt about your husband when you first married him and the happy times you have shared and then ask yourself why you want to give up trying. If you stay with your husband it won't be easy to fix things but taking up with your "friend" from high school is a whole other group of problems and it is not guaranteed to work out. Go get yourself the book Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, read it and do what a wife should for her husband to build him up. Don't give it to your husband, tell him to read it and then wait for him to change - start with yourself, do what you can and he may surprise you. I will pray for you and your situation and I hope you can find the strength and peace to work on your marriage.

Answer 4

If you are currently unhappy with your husband and working it out isn't an option then get out...but I will have to agree with the last post, grow 1st on your own. Only you can make yourself feel good about you, others can for a short time but you alone need to feel good about yourself and then if you still have feelings for this other guy then go for it...as the old saying goes don't jump out of the frying pan into the flames...peace and God bless:-)

Answer 5

Before doing anything - I would suggest you get into either individual and marital counseling. Only after spending some time analyzing your situation will you be able to make a clear decision. However, keep in mind that old saying - "if they will cheat with you, they will cheat on you." The grass isn't always greener on the other side.

Answer 6

Do not leave your family for another man. It never works. If you have not tried the counselling route, please do. Give it a try and give it some time. If that does not work and you need to separate, do it, but for a specific amount of time, and not because you want to see the other man. You have to give your marriage a chance. You loved him at one time, you can find it again. Marriage is a commitment. Stop talking to your old classmate.

Answer 7

ok...i know what is going on here cause i am in the same situation (sort of)...my wife of 17 yrs has been verbally abusive to me and my kids for about 15 yrs and i am a very positive person and i cant stand negativity...i have spoke to my wife about leaving her and she asked for another chance which i gave her, but, i dont know if it is gonna work out because there is a lot of damage already done...and i dont wanna spend the rest of my life miserable cause i have been doing that for too long...speak to him and tell him what u want out of him...no need to pay a counselour all kinds of money just for that...give him a chance and see where it leads......and on the subject of the classmate...keep talking with him...if he is giving postive energy then that is good for you all the way around for your life, everyone needs postive things in there life especially when there is alot of negativity around you

Answer 8

Two decades is a long time to live in a virtual war zone. Meaning, it's not necessarily hostile, but it's really unpleasant and uncomfortable. No matter what you do, stay or go, someone is going to get hurt.

The families will adjust, but it's ultimately up to you if you want to try to save your marriage, but you should do it without having a "back up."

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

Answer 9

Nothing but cheaters today young old like you it doesn't matter . Its no wonder your husband is that way to you your a damn cheater and he knows it . What do you want him to treat you like ? Blame it on him all you want but the fact is your the one cheating with the hot pants . I say leave him and let the poor guy live the rest of his life in peace and don't take nothing let your new guy pay for you why should your husband have to pay for anything. CHEATER , CHEATER , CHEATER !!

Answer 10

specific, you're a hypocrite in extra techniques than merely the only you're questioning of. You used Charles as your sugar daddy with the aid of your comprehensive courting. i think of you have the authentic meaning of affection so deeply twisted which you relatively are not in love with the two of those adult adult males. you're permitting your son to work out you handle adult adult males like trash, and that i'm hoping which you would be able to set him right now to the place he does not disrespect others as you have. you ought to pass away Charles on my own so as that he can shop something of his dignity and pass on with somebody he could be committed to and have confidence. As for Nick, i think that he will by no skill, ever be committed to you as a results of fact he hasn't been for the previous 9 years. of direction he'd sleep with different women folk, you had Charles. regrettably, you have undesirable issues coming your way as a results of fact what is going around, comes around. I merely desire you comprehend that notwithstanding does ensue to you, you comprehend which you deserve it. 2 wrongs do never make it exact.