How do I get my wife to be 50% of the sexual relationship.?

Question

My wife says she wants sex more often but RARELY does anything to let me know. I am completely turned off by women who are sexually passive so I find it hard to initiate 80-100% of the time and still be attracted to her. I can easily do 50-60%

Also, her body language and mannerisms repel sexual advances. She finds that men do not respond to her sexually. I think this is affecting her work and personal life. 90% of what we say is in our body language but she won't hear it. She insists that she 'is who she is'. That sounds like a cop-out. People change and grow every day.

I don't mind if she doesn't use body language to look attractive or to attract me, but I can't take her demanding that I and other men respond as if she is, when she isn't.

Do all women expect results from nothing?

I personally don't care if we have sex again... But I don't want to be scolded for not thinking mediocre is wonderful. If you want to be considered wonderful, then BE wonderful... no?

Steph2... I'm an adult... not a maid... 50/50 on everything... I don't need a child, I need an adult who responds to reason and who is adult enough to insist on pulling their weight.

Bobby Jim,

I tried that for 18 months... she just got more selfish. Besides I don't enjoy sex if I always have to do the work... and I am not 'instant on'.

You guys kill me!

Me doing more is has been tried and it failed... I want to be pursued myself. I am tired of having a sexually lazy partner. I do housework, I have treated her like a queen... what the h--- does she do for me in bed let alone the rest of our life??? I want her to get off her lazy rump and be half of this relationship... I don't need advice as to how I can DO MORE.

My goodness women... have you no self respect... shy don't YOU do some romantic things. I took her on hundreds of romantic dates and left notes etc... She never asked me on a romantic date... never left me love notes... it's all one-way with her. She has her head in the clouds and won't budge.

I am good looking, fit, supportive, a good father. I do most of the housework and earning of income... is it really to much to ask for HER to pursue me romantically/sexually?

Did I mention she gained 50 lbs, doesn't do her hair or make-up unless she is going out and has terrible personal hygiene! I can't be her daddy and hold her hand through life stroking her ego ALL the time... some of it has to be because she is an adult... no?

Answer 1

do men expect results with no effort?
has her body language or sexual aggressiveness changed since you got married-or is she as you married her?
if you always do what you have always done then you will continue to get what you have always gotten......it sounds like neither of you are willing to do anything different so nothing will change......so here are your options....accept it, change yourself for her (and hope she will change for you in response) or seek a divorce and find someone else.....

Answer 2

The truth is: you cannot get your wife to be 50% of the sexual relationship if she doesn't want to. She isn't interested. Stop trying to force the issue.

When she says "I am who I am", it is not a cop out. She happens to like the way she is, is unwilling to change, and doesn't care whether you like it or not. People CAN change & grow every day, but only if they want to. Obviously, she doesn't want to.

Your only option is to accept her as she is or hit the road.
I have had this same problem before (husband being pushy about sex). I have also been on the other side of it. . . . wanting more than was offered.

I suggest you accept her as she is. Your criticism of her must really turn her off.

We can't change others, we can only change how we choose to deal with them.

Marriage isn't always 50/50 so get over that delusion.
And, YES, it is too much to ask her to pursue you. She doesn't want to. Leave her alone. If she gained 50 pounds, she probably doesn't like herself too much. The way you described her sounds like she is depressed. She may need to see a doctor about that. She certainly doesn't need sexual demands put on her. You talk like she owes it to you because you're such a perfect person. YUK. All you talk about is how wonderful you are, your lack of getting what you want, and you consistently criticize her. I didn't see you write one nice thing about your wife. My bet is that you turn her off so much, she can't stand you. You have no right to put sexual demands on her. I don't care if you're her husband or not.

If I were you, I would do whatever it took to get her to see a doctor or counselor about herself. For her, not so you can be pursued sexually by her. No hidden motives. Just because you love her and want her well, and feeling good about herself. You never once said that you loved her and are hurt because she is unhappy. Can you not see past your own desires?

Answer 3

From what I hear and believe. Most women feel secure when they get married, because they feel they don't have to dress up to get action anymore. Since she found a guy who loves her, she figures that it doesn't matter what she looks like, he'll still want to be with her physically, and think she's hot, even when shes' got bad hair and sweats on. But I'm finding this is not the case...apparently men are visual, and if u don't give 'em something nice to look at, their light stays off. But sometimes a girl will respond the way a guy wants if he does things for her. Like u know, help around the house and stuff...this opens up communication, and u can tell her what u'd like, u know, not too dressed up, but a little, and slowly, she might respond. U know, just out of guilt..wives love a husband who lilghtens their work load.

Answer 4

What makes you think marriage relationships (even the intimate kind) are 50-50 ?

Communicate, talk to her, woo her, and win her over. You give her 100%of you and she'll return the favor. Just because you are "instant on" does not mean that your wife is. Invest some time in making her feel like a woman, plan some long sessions of foreplay without the act. Touches, caresses, conversation, and some flowers or candy occasionally will give her the feeling that you into her, and her only.

Work to win her heart, and she'll willingly give you the rest.

Answer 5

sometimes you have to feel good about yourself to act like you do ; what is your comments about other men in the world?? are you married then why should you care; perhaps she is around self centered men all the time and that is the problem ; men who don't make a woman feel like a woman; a note with vague suggestions; just because; a gift left under the pillow with no expectations; an invite to meet you somewhere for ROMANCE ROMANCE; a sticky on the mirror ; have I told you how wonderful you are lately; a voice mail message of love; a romantic dinner at home with no expectations of sex ; a hug a kiss on the back of the neck and walk away; date night; a chick flick just because ; a walk on the beach ; a song left on voice mail ; you have to tend to a garden or you get weeds

Answer 6

Before you even mentioned the weight gain, I guessed it. She is not initiating because she feels super insecure and is scared to death that your rejection may be because of her weight. This is a really tough nut to crack because it sounds like she's not even willing to admit what her problem is. It sounds like you guys have talked about it. You could try again or get into counselling. If you do talk to her again... you might want to mention that you think she's not initiating (not just sex, but other stuff) because of her weight--that will open it up for discussion.

Answer 7

I have a plan.. its a bit dangerous though.. but just might work...


Why dont you convey that you are attracted to other women? or perhaps one woman?? [imaginary of course]
I am a girl but sometimes people have to be shaken out of their comfort couch to get things done..
Play hard to get.. let it be known that you are being approached with romantic/sexual intentions by smart attractive women. that might make her do more at least to defend her man..

But piece of advice.. play it safe.. its not very advisable, but in your case it does seem to be a sure shot and last resort. judging by the kind of partner you have.

But before taking this up.. please make sure theres nothing bothering her .. or stopping her from making these advances.. if you are sure that lazyness is the only cause.. then go wiht my plan

Good luck!

Answer 8

It could be that your wife has low self esteem and that is why she does not initiate the first move. She is afraid of being rejected, yes even from her husband. You said " I personally don't care if we have sex again" This tells me that this relationship is suffering from more than just sex issues.
Marriage counseling can help. If you are not open to marriage counseling then perhaps you need to talk to your wife and tell her how you feel. If you are truly open to repairing this you need to be open and honest.

Answer 9

Treat her like a queen, Do all the works, cooking, cleaning, dishes etc everyday and she will be heading to bed early fast and ready for anything...romance, romance, be romantic.

Answer 10

Hey guy, sounds like you and the wife could use a little counseling. Separate and together. Could help you both out!