my friend miscaried the baby.?

Question

I'm really sad about this. She seems to be doing ok. She had it taken out today. She has Polycystic ovarian syndrome and though high rate of miscarriage is known, I'm highly disappointed. Anyone has any words of wisdom and encouragement on this topic. :(

Answer 1

You sound like a very caring friend. Bear with me in my 'words of wisdom.'

I've had three losses (including two D&Cs like your friend) and it's amazing the incredibly stupid things that can come out of people's mouths. Miscarriage brings out fear in people of childbearing age -- an 'if it can happen to so-and-so, it can happen to me' sort of thing. It represents not just a physical loss but the loss of hope of what might have been.

Things to say:
- I'm sorry.
- You did nothing wrong (only if she brings it up).
- I love you.
- I know you and your partner are hurting.
- Yes, it IS unfair.
- I don't know why either.

Things not to say (and have been told to me):
- Plenty of children have no parents and would love you.
- You probably ate something wrong/hit a pothole/breathed too deep while pumping gas/stressed at work/moved something heavy.
- I don't know why you're making such a big deal about this.
- How is this different from an abortion?
- Here, let's go see my friend. She has a baby. It'll cheer you up.
- Let's go shopping for baby clothes for my niece.
- It's God's will.
- It wasn't meant to be.
- You just weren't relaxed enough.
- You can always try again.
- Here, buy these vitamins.

I am currently 18 weeks pregnant and still find it hard to look at other pregnant women. It's so unfair that some people breed like dumb animals while people who want kids often have trouble. Also keep in mind that she may seem fine now, but she may melt down at any time -- buying pads, on her would-be due date, Christmas, seeing babies or pregnant women, etc.

Warmest wishes to you and your friend.

Answer 2

I guess time will help. One of my friends had a miscarriage last year, and it saddened me. All I could do was be there for her, let her know that she could call me whenever she needed to, and to listen. I didn't have all the answers, and made sure she knew that too, but I could listen to her and talk to her.

I think that that's all you can do for your friend too. Listen and let her know that you are there for her.
I don't know how to clue you in on consoling her about the PCOS, I'm still trying to figure that out having another friend recently diagnosed with this condition, but again, listen to her when she's happy, sad, fuming, angry etc,

Time will help, the good news about my friend who miscarried last year is that she is pregnant again and four months along- due on Christmas day, all is going well.

My friend with PCOS has a son too, so there's hope that PCOS sufferers can and do carry babies to term and have healthy children...

Answer 3

Just be there for her any way you can. Some women want to talk about the baby and the whole experience - just listen. Some women just want to move on - take her shopping or out for coffee and dessert. If it seems to bother her having too many people around, ask her what she needs. She may want to be alone and that is fine, don't take it personally. Just being a good friend, telling her you are sorry, and asking her what she needs is all you can really do.

Answer 4

I'm not familiar with the topic, but I'm a spiritual woman who believes that God is able to heal. And if it's his will, your friend can have a healthy baby in the future. As her friend, just be there for her and listen to what she says. If you are a praying person, pray for her and her situation. I will pray for you that God will ease your hurt and disappointment. You are her friend and your feelings matter too. You are both in my thoughts and prayers now. Try to be strong for her when you're with her, but it's OK for you to let it all out when you're away from her. That way you are letting your grief out and you're not making her upset. Be there and encourage her . If she is a religious person, encourage her through her faith. Hope these words help and not hurt. I am so sorry for the loss. I pray for peace for you and your friend and her family.

Answer 5

A sympathy card, a shoulder to cry on and little else is needed to help her.

I've lost 3 pregnancies, (2) at 6 weeks, (1) at 18 weeks.

The book "empty cradle, broken heart- surviving the death of your baby" is helpful, I'm sure even a worn, used copy purchased online would be of comfort to her.

Please know, no solace is felt when you are told it is "for the best" or you can "try again".

Simply let it be as it is and only offer you support.

Answer 6

I have PCOS and even though the rate of miscarriage is high (its 50% automatically)...the success rate is higher.
I'm currently pregnant with our 3rd child after suffering 4 miscarriages.
As long as she is fine and coping well I would not worry, just lend an ear and shoulder for her if she does seem upset and try not to push the subject on her to talk about.
Everyone deals with loss differently, not everyone gets depressed and cries.
For those who miscarry alot, you eventually become numb to it and dont show much emotion.

Answer 7

I just wanna make a commet to the person who said u become numb after alot of miscarriages... this is not true... it gets harder and harder... i HAVE NO KIDS... none.. and 3 miscarriages... and now im pregnant with number 4.... if i loose this one... i know ill go insane with grief.... its a hard thing to go through esp if it happens over and over...and still no kids... its on my mind constantly.... jealousy takes over me....i feel incapable.... different... some words of wisdom... would be send a card.... dont say anything at all to her... becuz unless u have a miscarriage then u dont understand... and i dont like to see ppl tell me they are aorry when im thinking they have no idea of the grief... card would be very thoughtful to me... and then end conversation about it... i even feel jealous about ppl who miscarry and have kids... i know that sounds awful.. but they have the joy i have yet to expereince

Answer 8

You sound like a great friend to grieve along with her. Start by saying "I'm sorry this happened to you." Do not tell about other peoples experiences. Do not say, "you can have another one". Ask her if there's anything you can do.

Answer 9

This was such a tragedy however, tell her of you sorrow and tell her to have faith in God forever and your prayers are with them.
Keep it simple but let her be comforted in having you as friend. She may want to talk about it or not. If she does, listen.

Answer 10

be a friend. be there when she needs you. don't act like you know what she's going through. the pain of losing a child is heart wretching. inform her that grief conseling is available. she will eventually come round it just might be a while. good luck