My husband and I recently took in a 15 year old girl who was living with her 20 year old boyfriend. Her mother chose her husband over this young girl and threw her out. To make a long story short...she is now living with us and we take care of all her needs. The problem is, she wants her boyfriend to spend the night here at my home. We said he could but they couldnt sleep in the same bed, becuse we have young children and we dont want them to think this behavior is ok. So...that didnt go over well with her, and she goes to spend the night with the boyfriend and our kids ask questions. We dont feel as if we have the right to parent her, only try to guide her in a better direction. Please help...we dont know what to do. BTW I am only 30 and my husband is 31. We know nothing about raising a teenage girl.
2007-07-21 19:02:29 · 8 answers · asked by monkey 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Thank you all and please keep the comments comming. We have laid down ground rules for her, and she usually respects them. She has been sexually, emotionaly, and physically abused all her life. She is a hard shell to crack. We love her and adore her, and since she has raised herself for most of her life, we feel as if it would be wrong to try to parent. We are confused and scared as hell. We refuse to put her out, becuse she has no where to lay her head. She needs a loving home where she is the child and not playing house with an older boy.
2007-07-21 19:19:41 · update #1
I should add...the mother and I USED to be friends. I have seen first hand how this girl was treated. We are trying to be patient, and understanding, but we are starting to feel that she is taking our love for her for granted
2007-07-21 19:33:53 · update #2
It is wonderful that you are willing to provide a home for this girl, but it might not work out. I think that you have the absolute right to set the behavior expectations for children living in your home. And she is a child. Her behavior is not appropriate in my opinion. I think you should have a meeting with her and tell her that there are certain standards and expectations for living in your home. She is free to live there or not, but if she wants to live with you she has to conform to your rules. No one else is parenting her. I think you most certainly do have the right to parent her if she chooses to live with you. Just decide what standards you will set for your own children when they are 15. She should not have a 20 year old boyfriend in any case.
2007-07-21 19:10:04 · answer #1 · answered by treebird 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You have a good heart, but this isn't your battle. If she is not grateful enough for taking her in, then send her away. You have a resposibility to your own kids FIRST. THis means setting examples to them. This girl is obviously not grateful for your heart. There is probably a reason your are not familiar with as to why the mom kicked her out.
This 20 year old is just using her and maybe the mom was trying to get her to see it before you steped in. Obviously he didn't want to support her or she would live with him permanantly.
Send her back to her mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, aunt or uncle. Buy her a plane ticket to them. That is the best you could and should do.
THis isn't your battle.
2007-07-21 19:17:08 · answer #2 · answered by Nickname123 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well first of all it is illegal to have that sort of relationship 5 year difference....hello? i think that you should remind her that she is living under your roof. and that even though u aren't her parents u are in a way and you deserve respect. remind her in somewhat of a kind yet firm way that she can leave whenever she pleases. it is a privilege to live in your house, not a right... and due to the fact that her boyfriend is over 18, he could go to jail for "spending the night with her:" if u have not adopted the girl it could jeopardize u as well
2007-07-21 19:12:39 · answer #3 · answered by PMCQ 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
i would not give up on her becuz as much luv as u have for her now, i know u would regret it if n e thing bad happens to her in the future . i would try to make her understand that u want the best for her and that the decisions u r making, u feel will benfit her in the future. to me it seems like she is acting out becuz of her past. about the 20 year old boyfriend i honestly would be undomfortable bout that becuz of the age difference so i would just check him out and make sure that hes not taking advantage of her. btw, i commend u for tajking her in. though u don't know me, i ask that u don't give ^ on her cuz i would hate for n e thing worse than she has already experienced to happen to her.
2007-07-25 18:51:12 · answer #4 · answered by simply wanting to teach 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Try to remember you at that age then multiply it by 10. I know you wanta shelter your kids but don't act as if they're stupid. Kids nowadays know much more than we wanta give them credit for. Answer their questions truthfully without sexual language then end by saying 'we don't approve of her actions'. In the future, don't take in a child without at least talking to Mom-there maybe hidden problems. At best you will know her well enough to be ready for her reactions. DO NOT ALLOW THE BF TO SLEEP OVER, EVER!
2007-07-21 19:28:00 · answer #5 · answered by Da B 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
YOU NEED TO GET SOME KIND OF POWER OF ATTORNEY YOU TELL HER AS LONG AS SHE LIVES UNDER YOUR ROOF SHE WILL ABIDE BY YOUR RULES NO HE CANNOT SPEND THE NIGHT SHE'S A MINOR HE'S OVER 18 THAT'S JAIL BAIT HE CAN GO TO JAIL FOR THIS PUT YOU FOOT DOWN AND LAY DOWN SOME GROUND RULES FOR HER ................
2007-07-21 19:08:59 · answer #6 · answered by kitty 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
take control and call the police a 15 yr old is not old enough to be with a 20yr old it is rape. it will show her you do care about her.
2007-07-25 00:42:23 · answer #7 · answered by frances g 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
1. Give your best advice.
2. Tell her what's not allowed under your roof and stick to it.
2007-07-21 19:08:00 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋