Can you tell me your favorite jokes??

Question

These are mine:
1- Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush.

2- A young blonde woman decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway! The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, losing her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head strikes the ground over and over and over. She is mere moments away from unconsciousness.
To her great fortune, Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse

LOOOOL, very funny jokes, I loved the chinese one

Answer 1

LOL u

This is my all time favorite joke

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

Answer 2

This must be the first joke I posted in this category:


A ship sank in high seas and the following people got stranded on a beautiful cluster of deserted islands in the middle of nowhere:

A. 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

B. 2 French men and 1 French woman

C. 2 German men and 1 German woman

D. 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

E. 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman

F. 2 Mexican men and 1 Mexican woman

G 2 American men and 1 American woman

H.2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman

I. 2 Lebanese men and 1 Lebanese woman


One month later, on various parts of the island, the following was observed:
:

A. One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

B. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together.

C. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

D. The two Greek men are sleeping together, and the Greek woman is cooking & cleaning for them.

E. The two Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and a long look at the Polish woman, and they started swimming.

F. The two Mexican men are talking to all the other men on the island trying to sell them the Mexican woman.

G The two American men are contemplating suicide. The American woman is bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of the household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much better, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.

H- what happened to the Indians ?
The 2 Indian men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to the Indian woman!!!

I - And the lebanese? Well the two Lebanese began by dviding up their part of the island into Northern & Southern parts. They are too busy deciding who should rule the island to notice that the woman is so busy visiting that she has taken the indian woman in to help her with the housework.

Answer 3

Michael and Patrick were the best of friends.
They were born in a Belfast hospital just hours apart. They grew up together, played together, went to school together. They were inseperable.
Came a time when they were teens, when the Troubles got to much for them, so they did what a lot of young Irish boys did at that time and jumped on a tramp steamer to see the world.
They went to many ports and saw lots of the world, but eventually got tired of the travel and decided to settle in Boston, which has a large Irish population.
They stayed together, bought a duplex and even married sisters. Many years later, Patrick died.
It was after the funeral, and the parish Priest was walking by the grave, when he sees Michael urinating on the grave!
"MICHAEL", he says."What in all that is holy are you doing? That's your best friend. WHY ARE YOU DESECRATING PATRICK'S GRAVE LIKE THAT!!!!"
"Oh, it's nuttin' loik dat, Fodder." says Michael, zipping up.
"When we were but lads, still in the Ald Country, we bought this foin bo''le of whiskey and made a solemn promise that the one what survived th' odder would pour it on his grave."
He sighed heavily and wiped a tear from his eye."And knowin' me boyo like I do, I'm Sure he don't mind if I filtered it thru m' kidneys forst."

Answer 4

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.


A boy asks his father to use the car and the father replies "No, not until you cut your hair!". The boy replies "But father...Jesus had long hair!" to which his father says, "Yeah, but Jesus walked everywhere."


Girl : When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy : It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl : Well that's because we aren't married yet.


Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations 10.10.95:
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision
Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No, I say again divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW.
Canadians: This is a little lighthouse. Your call.

Answer 5

did u hear about the new tank the french designed? its supposed to be really fast especially in reverse this duck walks into a store and buys some chapstick the cashier asks cash or credit the duck says put it on my bill these 2 cows are talkin and one says to the other what do u think about this mad cow disease the other cow says what do i care im a helicopter

Answer 6

hey beautiful

about the import that needed a job he went everywhere looking for a job ad asked eveyone !!!

then someone said ill offer you a job if you can use the word green pink and yellow in the same sentence in that order!!

so the import thnks for a while and says... "the phone rang.. it did green green... i pink it up and says yellow??

the first time i heard that i laughed so hard !!!!

Answer 7

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson,
look up into the sky and tell me what you see".

Watson: "I see millions and millions of stars".

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."

Answer 8

Webby's joke is really funny!

I usually go for short & very silly ones,
this is my favorite:

Q) What do you call a cow that can add and subtract ?

A) a Cowculator!

:-)

Answer 9

this is all i got:


A man, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to his wife, "I
feel horrible, I look fat, ugly and out of shape. Pay me a compliment."


The wife replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

Answer 10

Two Irishmen walk out of a bar...