My husband & I are divorcing after 5 years of marriage. How can I let go of all the anger I feel over this?

Question

I knew things were not great with our relationship but I didnt think it was unrepairable. Obviously my husband was much more unhappy. He just took all his things & left, at first saying he needed time to think but it was soon clear that he was not even considering coming back & working things out. It was still a real shock to me that it was over. He talked to me on the phone a few times for about a week but after the separation agreement was signed he cut off all contact. I know its over & I dont want him back (especially now after he's been such a selfish jerk & told me all kinds of lies) but i did love him completely before he left in such an abrupt manner. The problem is that I am just so ANGRY all the time at him for leaving & not trying to communicate & fix things. He also placed all the blame for OUR relationship problems on ME ALONE which made me feel horrible even though I know its not true. I'm sort of glad its over but I know I need to let go of this anger so I can move on...

Just to give you more info & maybe just vent a little: He waited until I went out for the day shopping with my mom ON MY BIRTHDAY to take all his things & move out. When he left he intentionally took things with him that were really more my things & that clearly meant more to me (not really valuable things but stuff like cds, books, & movies) just so I would not have them. He then lied about taking them. He also lied repeatedly about where he had moved to. He also left me without health insurance which he had dropped without telling me some time before he even left. I really thought I knew this man but I clearly did not & we dated for 7 years before we married. His big complaint was that I had changed. I did change, I grew up. He changed also, into an overgrown child who wanted me to do everything for him & never expect a thank you or compliment in return. Nothing I ever did was good enough for him & he rarely if ever did anything for me or our home & yet he was the only one who did.

More info & venting: When he left he took the puppy we had got about 3 months before & he tried to take one of our cats which he suddenly decided was "his" even though I was the one who rescued this cat & nursed it back to health when it was deathly sick with the runs & he wanted to get rid of it because it was so "nasty". But the cat hid from him & he couldnt catch it so he left it behind. Also according to my lawyer, he cant return to my home because the property is mine alone & I would have to allow him back which I WILL NOT DO no matter what he says. The way he has acted & handled this situation has really shown me what kind of person he really is & that is not someone I want in my life. Thank God we dont have kids & just before all this happened we were actually talking about it.That's one more reason it was such a shock when he left. We had plans for our future together. Im just pissed about so many different things. I dont want him back but I'm angry that he left. Its stupid!

Answer 1

Yeowwch. You are angry. That's OK. Anger is a healthy response to being betrayed. At this point, you should be angry. You are also wise. You want to put the anger behind you. You would be surprised how many divorced people get red in the face at the mere mention of an ex-spouse 10 years later. You can deal with the anger, trust me. Been there...done that.

But first, feeling horrible may NOT be a healthy response to false accusations. Feeling frustrated, hopeless, irritated (beyond belief) are healthy responses. You might even feel sorry for him. Sometimes there are so many emotions fighting to respond to such accusations, they mask themselves as "making you feel horrible". Sort through the healthy feelings one might have toward his BS. If those don't fit, and you still feel horrible, stop beating yourself up!

Actually, you are going to go through all the steps of grieveing, as you have suffered a tremendous loss. Anger is often one of the early steps at any loss. You get robbed, you are angry at the crook; someone close dies, you are angry at God; you lose your marriage, your partner, perhaps some security--you are going to be angry.

My ex left after 15 years, and the rest of the story reads exactly like yours. The flip attitude; the abruptness; the lies; the blame. I was ANGRY! And sad. And guilty. And confused. And scared. I eventually vowed I would deal with my anger, just as you have. And I did.

As I delt with some of the other emotions, my anger began to subside. Hell, I was angry that I felt so bad! But I also did another important thing that you have done. I admitted, and still do to this day, that I loved my ex. I never really stopped loving her since. Oh, it's not an emotional love. It's simply and acknowledgement. A lot of people keep the fires of anger burning, beliving it will help them NOT love the person that hurt them so. In so doing, they lie to themselves. They just won't admit they still love the SOB even though they do, and they keep the anger brewing to prove it.

Not willing to admit it was over, I prayed to God to bring her back, and bargaining with him if he would just open her heart to reconciliation. Knowing that might not be in his plans, I prayed that I would not harbor the hate I wanted to feel. Every day for six month I prayed not to hate her. I did a lot of self-examination, changed a few things about myself, and grew through the experience. Eventually, I made a place in my heart where I could keep my love for her, and found it didn't take up my whole heart!

Again, it's not an emotional love. Frankly, I politely told her I did not want to keep contact when we parted, and have not in eighteen years. I don't really think of her much, and when I do, it is neutral. I certainly wish her no ill, but I'm not really curious how she is. She made her choice to leave, and our marriage is only something that used to be--life goes on.

Be patient. You are wise. You will find a way to deal with the anger. But first you must grieve. Don't replace the sadness with anger to protect yourself. Be vulnerable. Cry. You lost your most trusted friend. That is sad. Grieve your loss, don't ever try to minimize what you lost. You need to be sad more that you need to be angry. That is the key. Eventually you will be less sad, and it will happen less often. Eventually you will be less angry, and it will happen less often.

Dealing with sadness and anger is not an event. You don't just work at it and suddenly you succeed and it is gone. It is a process. It takes time. But it will happen. I promise.

That's my two cents.

Answer 2

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.

If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change = yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.

Slower is better.

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. They don't respect women or children. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, Why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.

If something bothers you, speak up.

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else's man.

Oh Lord! If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street.

You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.

Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr.. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.

Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.

Keep him in your radar but get to know others.


Source:http://myspace.com/creaturemermaid

Answer 3

Well, from all the things he did, he doesn't sound like somebody you'd want to be with now,anyway. People are completely different when they're in love and and when they're divorcing. There are sides to our personalities that comes out at time like these. When things become more important than they were before when you're happy together.

But, anyway,....the only way to let go of the anger is just to "let it go". What good are all the negative feelings doing for you? You can't do anything to change what's happened. All you can do if look forward and proceed toward happiness. My philosophy I TRY to live by is,..."life is too short" to be unhappy, miserable or angry over another person. You're giving him control over yourself and he doesn't even know it or care, but your allowing him to control your feelings.
That my dear, is what I would be angry about. Take control of your own feelings and put the past behind you once and for all.

Answer 4

You are a very lucky person. This man could have been even more damaging by hanging around you with his haphazard attitude. If you don't want to be hurt further, let this man go for good. From this point on, let go and let God. Remember this, What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us? - Romans 8:31. The Lord daily loadeth us with benefits, even the God our salvation. Selah. - Psalm 68:19. When you enter a structure where other humans are, quietly say, Peace Be To This House - Luke 10:5. You will be amazed how peaceful the place will be. You know that an atmosphere like this will draw Godly people your way. Peace and God Bless.

Answer 5

He is having an affair & has been for awhile. He believes he is in love with her. What he really is = addicted to the idea of a perfect situation which doesn't really exist...a fantasy. That's what an affair is. You need to do 2 things: 1) Blow the lid off his fantasy by shining the light of day on it. Make a list of everyone he would NOT want to know about this: Your parents, his parents, friends, siblings, etc. Pick ONE day and reveal what is going on to them - don't give too many details. Something such as this--> I can't get into details, but our family really needs any support and encouragement you can give us right now. "John" has moved in with a co-worker and away from me and our daughter. I would appreciate any help and support you can give our family as we try to save our marriage. You also need to send a letter to HR and to his supervisor at his work and blow the lid on the affair. Same thing - very brief and requesting understanding & support at this time. Many companies have a policy against what they are doing - even if they don't...the secrecy will be removed and so will the fantasy. That is the goal. 2) Your husband will be shocked back int o reality, and he will likely be very angry. He will approach you and you will repeatedly tell him that he needs to move back into your home with you and your daughter. He needs to try to work things out with you. Do not answer any questions about why you did # 1.

Answer 6

Good for you for feeling anger at least. You could be simply wailing 'Why me? Why me?' The anger will eventually subside, especially when you feel like you have 'moved on' emotionally and you are dating and feeling more confident about where your life is headed.
Good for you that you know it's over.
Now, if you could just realize that there's something very good here: you are no longer bound to someone who is so capable of such hurtful behavior.
It's kind of like going for a diagnostic test at the hospital. You can worry about it, which is natural, and it can be a source of stress in your life - what will the test find?
On the other hand, and this is small consolation, I know, you can repeat to yourself, 'The sooner the worst is over, the sooner the rest can begin - if nothing is found, then I'm pretty healthy. If something is found, at least it was FOUND and now we can treat it, know about it, DO something about it.'
You know that you can now see that something was bad, but are you as happy to know that what was bad is on its way out of your life?

Answer 7

It's really hard it also happened to me the difference is he left us when he has no money and our life become disastrous we were sent out in apartment, my eldest stopped schooling and never talk to anyone except me, acting weird and what I feel that time is anger everytime I look up my kids there is pain in my heart and mad to my husband I don't know if I can overcome this anger feeling for him. What I did is to focus w/ my children but you don't have any kid so better focus yourself into something that make you busy. You have to move on may be someday you'll find a better man than him although the pain is still there you'll soon overcome it w/ the help of a new one.

Answer 8

I've ''been there, done that'' more than once. Next go round,
if there is one, is one I'll stop and think about...before getting
deep into it.
It did take me some time to mature too, and yes some things
many things might be off, at certain times in our lives, but
we do finally mature enough to know how to change our
own lives, and what we might want out of our lives, not just
for the moment either, but for awhile.
I would suggest that you just start, ridding yourself of the
''reminders'' and get on with your life, for the longer you
do ''concentrate'' on the past and what really isn't ''going
to happen'' then you are ''wasting precious time'' you could
be devoting to something "more positive" in your own life,
and you might just pass up something that could add some
value to your life, too.
Like I said to my sister, "find something you can love...more
than the memory of that.....". You can, you know, just move
your thinking to something else, and soon that part of your
life, which you say that you don't want...will be less meaning-
ful. I've let my ''hurts'' of like, be set aside, for more good
things...and life is much more rewarding now... and I'm much
more contented with myself, and what my own goals are,
and have discovered what makes me happy, for now I
can tell how I'd fit into another relationship, or what type I
can fit with and vice versa.
Shed those tears, dry them, and look outward...for better
days are ahead of you.
By the way, if you are just ''legally separated" and not fully
divorced, wherever you live, he has the Right to come into
your place, to live, because you are still a ''married couple'',
so at this time, you are not, quite rid of him legally....he can
legally, ''park his behind, on your furniture, in your house, and
stay there, if you let him" and there's nothing legally you can
do without getting it done thru the court, or calling the law
on him...if he breaks the law, around you....
I sure would not be in your shoes, for anything...not anymore.
been there, done that too. Not for me, to repeat that...TF

Answer 9

hi, I am recently divorced after 13 years of marriage
he sold my horse,who I had from the day he was born and alot of my things,
while I was staying with my sister,
to get away from his blame game and mean attitude
and blamed me for everything,it took me awhile to let go of the hurt anger, this helped

1. Remember, if you have children, you will be in touch with each other until one of you dies.

2. The way a divorce is handled impacts your life for a long time. It sets the stage for many years.

3. If you act with thought, rather than react emotionally, you will save yourself grief.

4. Grieving is natural. There's been a death--the death of a relationship. Give yourself time to grieve.

5. Death of the "dream of the ideal" is the last thing to go.

6. Wait to date. When we're vulnerable, judgment is impaired.

7. When you date, don't bring the person home to the children right away. Wait until that person has been talked about for awhile and you're relatively sure that the person will be important.

8. Don't speak negatively about your (ex)spouse to the children whenever possible. Don't let the lawyers control the divorce process. It's your divorce and you are in charge.

10. Eat when you're hungry, drink when you're thirsty, rest when you're tired and exercise to blow off steam or lift your spirits

Answer 10

I'm very proud of you ...sounds like you vented enough to clear yourself of the loser. He has bigger problems now that he doesn't have you and I think you should really enjoy that little fact to the fullest. So...you made a mistake, it happens; love (or lust whichever) makes fools of us sometimes but you are now free of the additional responsibility that clearly was not equal.
THANK GOD HE LEFT - finally, he did something good for you. It's unfortunate it cost you some of your things but nothing is irreplaceable now days anyway... even with the price of inflation, men are still a dime a dozen but I really hope you get your dog back. If he comes to you holding the dog asking for forgiveness, forgive long enough to get the dog in your house and then slam the door in his face.

move on sister - i got your back.....