I can't seem to explain my problems to husband so he'll understand.?

Question

Whenever I try to talk to my husband, I can't seem to get him to understand without him getting defensive and telling me that it's not HIS fault. We are having a serious communication breakdown. He told me that I'm making everyone miserable, and maybe I am, but I am so frustrated that things just get blown out of proportion and escalate. He never takes responsibility for anything - nothing is ever his fault.

How can I try and tell him that I feel like I'm under his thumb and can't do anything - I am a stay at home mom and I got it thrown in my face that HE makes the house payment, so I should leave if that's what I want. I have two small children.

I'm also very sick and tired of always having to be around his family - my mom died 3 years ago and I am so lonely. I've got no one on my side. It sounds like I'm whining but I am not. I am one of the strong-natured people, but I am so lost without her.

A disinterested third party would be a welcome "intervention".

Answer 1

I am also a stay at home mom with young children and I lost my mother 11 years ago, just a day before my 21st birthday. My husband rarely admits anything is his fault and I sometimes feel the same way that you have described.

I think the main thing about communication in a marriage is that you both understand that its not what you say, but how you say it. Over the last few years, my marriage has gotten to be better than ever just because we both figured out how to phrase something difficult in a way that the other would understand. I can't tell you how to do that because I don't know your husband, but there must be a way to explain how you feel without making him thing you are blaming him. I tell my husband that I know my life choices were mine, but that he nas to realize that because he is our sole income and because I love him, he does influence what happens and how I feel.

A big help was to explain to him what its like to be home all day with children and to be lonely and miss your family and friends. It took reiterating, but it eventually got through.

You might also want to think of things that you can do to keep busy, meet people and feel better about yourself. Go to a gym, the local YMCA here has free daycare with a membeship, various activities and a great workout area for a very low fee. Maybe try taking a class of interest at a local community college or join some kind of organization that meets a few times a month.

If you need a break from his family, explain to him that you just need a little space. Maybe you are with them so much because he/they are trying to become your family and fill the void left by your mother's death.

As to the death of your mother, you have my sympathies. It never stops hurting and you will never stop missing her. My own mother cried for her deceased mother when she was ill and I sometimes cry for my mother when I am ill. I regret that she never got to see my husband, my home and 2 of my 3 children. I miss the advice and humor she would lend to any situation and the shoulder to cry on. The only thing you can do is to live the best you can and try to find people who will be there for you in the same way she was. You may have to find many people, because we all know mom's have super powers and no other human can compare.

If you think it would help, try marriage counseling or even go to counseling alone. I am not one for that, personally, but some people swear by it.

Good luck and feel free to use my email link if you ever want to talk/vent/chat.

Answer 2

Honey I feel you ...I'm a stay at home Mom like you with two babies and no family or friends, my husband was the same way but I persisted on telling him how much I love and appreciate him and forced my self to do every thing he loves and makes him happy at home.

At the same time I chose the time when he's in a good mood and tell him I need that or this with a smile and a kiss, if he's a good guy it will work out but if he's an *** it won't work.

Men generally get defensive when we complain about stuff I don't know why !, all we want is a some comforting words .

Try to get yourself a good friend and talk to her just talking will make you feel better.

Also be firm about what you want without getting into a fight , for example say please honey I really don't want to visit your Mom today you can go if you want just don't make me now you asked nicely so if he chose to get into a fight don't be afraid stand up for yourself and scream back.

Answer 3

That's a tough spot to be in.

The first thing I'd suggest is to use a non-attacking method of talking. A good form I've found is, "I feel about ___ when you ___ because ___." An example might be, "I feel trapped when you say that you make the house payment & I can leave because I contribute in other ways."

You can also use word pictures. Gary Smalley has a good book on word pictures that you can Google and check out. It's a great way to get the message across in a less confronting way.

You should also consider counseling (couples and individual).

Answer 4

To be truthful i think of there's a sprint bit provide and take in any relationship. i might say the Brits that do declare to dislike the US are generally decrease than the impression that individuals are brash, insensitive and finished of their very own self value. whether some individuals might have precisely a similar opinion of the Brits. on occasion in recognising a similarity in somebody else it motives us to dislike the guy, because of the fact it makes us uncomfortable seeing something we don't love approximately ourselves in somebody else! in my view I inderstand The States is a super place with many editions, so i does not presume to label all 'individuals' decrease than a similar label any greater then i might placed all 'Brits' I incredibly have many close American acquaintances and desire it remains that way. i will see united statesa. or what it incredibly is, yet then i will see my own usa for what it incredibly is besides!

Answer 5

You are still grieving the lose of your mother, and you need some counseling, to deal with it.
As far as he makes the house payment,because he works, he doesn't work nearly as hard as you do taking care of the house and kids. Your job is not a 7 to 3 it is 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
I say go get marriage counseling and grief counseling to help through the rough period. You will feel better having someone to talk to that is impartial.

Answer 6

I know what you mean. I am a grown-up orphan, with no siblings and no aunts or uncles. It is VERY hard when there is no one for me to talk to or even someone to talk to me.
Too bad you can't be part of his family; but in-laws are not the same as blood. And they will take his side when push comes to shove.
I'm a good listener and great at knowing when to offer (and when not to offer) advise. Sometimes we want advise and sometimes we just need "agreement".. Right?
Sorry, I wish I had a magical formula to make it all better.. Just love your children....

Answer 7

I used to absolutely HATE having to see her folks 5 times a stupid week. Mine had already passed on a few years before. Like you she wouldn't hear of NOT seeing them. I probably shouldn't say but two of the best things that happened to us is her parents deaths. Sorry, that's an unfortunate fact. Feel free to bend my ear now & again if you need to vent. Hang in there.

Answer 8

Actually....I think you may have a common problem.

It's called a pity party, and the inability to move forward in life, without bringing up your problems/fears at every opportunity.

Men eventually get desensitized to hearing the same BS over and over. It actually gets to the point..the very sound of your voice makes us cringe...because we know what is about to happen....conversation about how pitiful your life is.

And instead of dealing with your life...you expect him to fix it...well good news hun...he ain't a handyman.

Answer 9

Why don't YOU accept your responsibility?! Stop whining, get a job and become more independent so you don't have to put up with his crap.

The only reason he's bullies you is because you TOLERATE it!

But you won't get a job - because women like you would rather take any and all kinds of abuse, even subject your children and pets to it, rather than get up off your lazy butts and go to work. And he knows it.

Nothing will change until you do.

Answer 10

I, too, stayed home. For 7 years after the birth of my first child.

I maintained the house, did the grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, maintained the vehicles and the finances and the lawn. I took the trash out. I took care of the kids and anything relating to them.

Nothing was ever His fault, either....how could it be? I was 100% responsible for everything that wasn't "go to work", which was His job.

When the kids got bigger and I went to work, I still did everything, just "go to work" was Also now on My list of things to do. It remained his only responsiblility.

14 years after we got married, we split up. One of his sisters, in a moment of great insight, asked, "Are you tired?"

Yes, I was Exhausted.

Never leave your home,even if he invites you to. You are entitled to half of the marital assets and in the majority of breakups the woman stays in the marital home since that is where the children live. He's the one that leaves.

Go ahead and calculate what it would cost to eat out for every meal you prepare.

Figure out the cost of daycare.

Figure out what a housekeeper would cost.

Then let him throw that at you again, about paying the rent. Then figure out what child support payments would be, if he's so gung ho to have separate residences.

If you didn't do what you do, he'd never be able to Afford the rent.

BTW, you can file for CS without being separated or divorced. All you have to do is go to Family Court offices, fill out the paperwork, turn it in, ask for a copy, and attend your court date. CS is retroactive to the date you filed. You do not need a lawyer to do this.

I'm sure if he managed to treat you with Respect, interaction with his family would be a mor pleasant experience. However, if you need some down time, next time there's a family function, let him take the kids, and you go back to bed.

I too, was a strong and empowered woman. I tackled my responsibilities with relish. I loved my role of wife and mom. I, too, was told I my contribution was of no value. I, too, hit the wall right about the time my second child was born.

The first time. I managed to buck up, we got on a regular routine again, even if I was the only one covering anything not "go to work". I had a third child and hung in there another 5 years. At that point, there was nothing left of me. I had to get out.

Do send him an e-mail. Explain that in the event of a breakup the fairest thing to do is use a shared parenting plan. Then the children get to see both parents equally.

Just make it clear that there won't be "Every other weekend, optional and unenforceable" as is standard, where you parent 24/7 and he dances off into the sunset, divorced from both wife and children.

It's hard to let them be with Dad. But it's hard to parent alone All the time, like I did, because someone "helped" their Dad and told him his court order was optional and unenforceable. At which point, he dumped the kids. Now he only sees his son a couple days a month. He hasn't taken the girls in a good 7 years.

So, tell him you want to practice this shared parenting. Move into the den. Put a TV and a little two cup coffee maker in there. Put a laundry basket in his room. He will be responsible for the house and the kids one week, you the next, and so on. You each are now going to do your own personal laundry, regardless of which week it is.

Get a calendar and put all their upcoming events and activities on it so everyone knows what they are responsible for getting done for the kids.

On your week off, have dinner with the family, then go visit a girlfriend, or go chill in your room, or read a book or do what you do when you have down time (Ha, down time.)

He does the same on his days off.

You will need to find a job. Find something you Enjoy. You don't need more stress.

Find the major best most awesome daycare provider in the world and let the kids go there to play while you work. Even if it's just part time. Pick them up when you're done and let him take over when he gets home if it's his week.

Plan on contributing your paycheck to the bills. Tell him you'll put so much towards the balance on your lowest bill each week. That way there's less debt when you do finally split up.

And for goodness sakes, get your name off anything you currently share in both your names. (Not the car, of course, that should be in your name alone.)

Quit verbally discussing anything with him. If you have something to say,say it in an e-mail. Conversations should be positive, like, "Little Jimmy rode his bike all by himself today." or "Hon, I repotted that big, over grown plant today. Now we have two." or whatever so long as it is Positive.

He likes his spot. He knows you got the short end of the stick and he's using "I have the Job.." as and excuse to bail on his familial responsibilties. He doesn't want anything to be his fault because then he would have to be responsible for said situation. And the only thing he's interested in being responsible for is his employment.

Splitting up when you have small children costs a fortune. You need to be on your feet financially, and the kids need to know what they can expect on a daily basis.

Look into starting a daycare in your home, that way you can be home, and you generate a good income.

I wish you luck. To this day the ex still doesn't get it. Maybe yours will see the light, If you shine it in his eyes. Maybe not. I wish you luck.

God bless you and yours.