How to deal with my ex seeing our son?

Question

My ex who i was with for 6 years walked out on me and our 4 year old son just after new year,obviously i was heartbroken but am managing to get over it but know i will never forget how he treated us or forgive,he left us for someone he worked with and they`ve now moved in together,i dont know his address just the area and have his mobile number.he never phones to ask after our son or to speak to him,he keeps in touch through texts and i suspect it`s when his gf isn`t around,i didnt want my son introduced to this girl as i`ve met her when we were still together at a works do and instantly disliked her,he went behind my back and did it anyway since then if told him he`ll either have to come to mine to see our son or take him out for a while but he wont be staying at their house.So its now been a week since i`ve last heard from him or seen him and even before this he`d easily go 10 days without seeing or speaking to his son,i think it`s the gf thats telling him not to be coming to the

house as the last time he left us about a year ago,he came over and spent time with our son,i know the easiest thing to do would be to give in and let him take our son to his but i cannot bring myself to do it as this means i`m accepting them as a couple and her in my childs life which i will never be able to do and it`d be like i`m giving them my blessing if you like,he wasnt much of a dad anyway as he`d stay out drinking and taking drugs for days on end,come home and sleep and get annoyed,never done daddy things either,so my son isn`t missing out in much anyway,but i dont know the best way to handle the situation without them thinking i`m giving in to them and i know thats what their waiting on.advice appreciated

i`m not stopping my son from seeing his dad but i am stopping his tart from being in his company,i`m not going to let her play happy families with my son when it`s her fault his daddy isn`t at home!he was cheating with her and she knew he ahd a son with learning difficulties at home ,so noway!

Answer 1

This is so hard for you, i know, and i was in the same situation years ago, my kids were babies and i thought it was going to kill me to let her touch and cuddle and look after my babies....it didnt!

a wise friend at the time told me.....let them go....believe me it wont be happy families. has she got kids?, if not she is about to get the shock of her life. they will not be able to go out, your child will whine, and mess up the house and be cheeky etc like all kids are at times and it will get on her nerves, she will start to complain and nag and whinge and your hubby will soon tire of her. your son will talk about you, and memories of family things and it will grate at her. She will try to disipline him and your hubby wont like that, or she will be left looking after him whilst hubby goes to pub etc. believe me if you want this relationship to end the very best thing is to hand over your son all smiles.

I didnt believe my friend, and like i said it hurt like crazy, thinking of them "playing happy families", but i followed her advise. Within three months they broke up.

It is very hard to swallow your pride and hurt and do the "right" thing, but do it you must. your childs father will show his true colours one way or another and your son will find out for himself what his dads like....but its the dads job to either mess up or prove he can stll be a dad, dont mess it up before he has chance to, as dad will be placed on a pedastal and you will be the person who your son resents for not allowing access. You know the saying give em enough rope, he will hang himself...most men who are cr@ppy dads end up swinging.

my big concern here would be the drug thing though, obviously,only let him go if you know he will be safe.

good luck, you can do this.xx

Answer 2

I know it is hard and you are angry at your ex however, you must think of what is best for your child. I can tell you from experience that when you do not know one parent, it can have devasting affects - if your child then found out that the father actually wanted to see them but you put a stop to it - they will be hurt and angry that they were denied a parent and it could backfire on you.

It is always best if you can be civil and a child has two parents. A son will need a father figure in his life. You will find another partner in due course and your ex will feel exactly the same way about your son being with another man. It works both ways. You will always be your son's mummy - no one can take the place of you.

Answer 3

Get over yourself. And stop this "the mother can do no wrong" crap for all those who've taken that stance. There are plent of cases like this where the mother is in the wrong too. that stance is purely sexist.

Firstly, Your ex has been in the wrong in the past, and there can be no justification for him cheating on you. Just to be clear that I'm not condoning that one bit. In all truth it disgusts me.
Secondly, I myself am a father that has split from his son's mother, so don't start with "What do you know about it?"

You are BOTH your son's parents, and regardless of where court orders lie, he will need contact, love, and support from BOTH of you.
You may not like your ex's partner. Fine. You don't have to.
What you can't do is start imposing limits on when your son can see his dad, and who's going to be around at the time.
I'll bet that if the shoe was on the other foot, you wouldn't extend that amount of control to your ex, would you?
If he took a dislike to your next partner, would you allow him to prohibit you from having your (his) son anywhere near you when your partner was around?
No. You'd take it as him overstepping the mark.
Guess what you've just done then by your own standards....

What you should do is, as his TWO parents, make sure he knows that no matter what happens, YOU are his mother (and only mother) and your ex is his father (and only father), and that even though you are not together anymore, you both love him dearly.
Then you live your own life, let your ex live his, and share equal responsibility for your son WITHOUT imposing unreasonable limits on each other's access.
Did you think that maybe your visitation rules are making it hard for him to see his son?
Also, it wouldn't be too far a conjecture to say that his new gf may not be happy with him coming to see him at your house because she feels threatened by you (remember he was with you a lot longer than he's been with her) and she may be worried he tries to return to you, or you (as you clearly dislike her) may try and break them up?

I'm also a bit worried that your dislike for her takes a higher priority in your explanation than his unsuitable behaviour (staying out, drinking, drugs). This looks as though your own opinion of her and their relationship is more important to you that whether or not he's a good influence on your child at all.

The other point to bear in mind is the damage this could cause to your relationship with your son. If, down the line, he wants to know why his daddy wasn't around so much and finds out you stopped him seeing him, YOU become the bad one.
If he's allowed unhindered access and chooses not to use it, then it's all on him.

Give him the chance to be the father he should be, and your son needs.
If he doesn't take the chance, then let him miss out. (And if he's half the prick you seem to think he is, that's what'll happen). Also, if you have put no barricades in the way of access, and he does neglect the child, he'll have no argument that it's your doing that he hasn't seen him if it does go to court proceedings.

Do what's best for your child, and nothing can bite you in the bum later on.


When I left my ex, we both started new relationships, and she moved in with her new bf - and while I was personally questioning his ability to help in the raising of my son, I had no real choice but to grin and bear it, while being the best father I could from afar, and making sure that no matter what happened there that he had a stable, loving home with me.
If we had both veto'd contact with our respective new partners, he would have NEVER seen EITHER of his parents - not a clever move in anyones book!

As long as you both operate under the condition that anything done is always for the child's benefit first, and yourself second, you can do no wrong.
If only you run by this, and he decides to be selfish, then at least you know you're doing the right thing, and so will everyone else - including the courts if it goes that far.

Good luck!

Answer 4

What I would do is schedule times for meeting, like in a park or someplace where the father and son could spen time together. It is what they call an observed meeting. My buddy had to go through those when his wife was doing that to him. But in her case she was using their son to get more money out of the poor guy. I would try those types of meeting and see where it goes from there. Observe them together and see how the father reacts to being with his son. If it is negative then I would apply for full custody of the chile and file a restraining order. If it is positive, like the father is happy being with the son and trying to teach him good habits then I would start backing off a little bit at a time. Just think, maybe your son could teach that prick some thing about life. Like what he is missing by leaving you to in the wind. I know I would never do that to my wife. I want to be there to enjoy my children as much as possible.

Answer 5

You are dealing with two versions of right and wrong. One is your moral code, what you believe in your heart to be right and wrong. The second, and I don't know if you've dealt with it yet, is the legal version of right and wrong.

As for your moral standards, I am with you 100%. You are correct to want a stable environment for your son. The court will tell you that the father has a right to see his son. Of course, you already know that.

I suggest you get a lawyer. Now. If you have one and he/she isn't doing a good job, get another one. Get the divorce finalized, get your child support and get visitation worked out. As part of the visitation agreement, insist that if the homewrecking **** - Doh! I mean, girlfriend - is to be present when your child is with dad, that the visitation be supervised. This until you are comfortabe that she is a good role model and a positive influence on your son. It's a stretch, and the court may not approve it, but you don't know anything about this women!

Get moving on this. The sooner you have something going in the courts, the less likely you are to make a decision that can be used against you in furture proceedings. Another reason it's important to get a lawyer ASAP.

Good luck.

Answer 6

As someone who can look at this objectively - i think that
1) don't think of it in terms of giving in or accepting them as a couple.
2) as hard as it may seem and actualy be - be mrs goodperson! - often when you dig your heels in - when you are able to stop doing it you will find that you didn't need to in the first place - what i mean is - if your ex wasn't much of a dad before - he's probably still not going to be much of one now - i suspect that you have got it the wrong way round about him contacting your child - i wouldn't mind betting that she instigates the contact with remarks like "he is youre son - she can't keep you away from him" - do you see where i'm coming from. So -
3) Back off!! - let him have contact, but
4) Make proper access arrangements through the courts - this will mean that the when where and who with must be stuck to. Please don't make the mistake of thinking that you will get it all your way. Except -
5) He will not be able to mess you or your son around - ie turning up unexpected etc.
6) Think of your son - not yourself - the courts are not interested in what happened between the two of you - they are only interested in the well being of the child - as you should be. Therefore
7) Do not use your son as a means of "paying him back" - it almost always backfires!!! . Absaloutely do not fight infront of your child - he loves both of you - mums and dads get unconditional love from thier children - don't make him "piggy in the middle" - the only result of that is to make your little boy extremely unhappy. Remember -
8) It will get better - i promise you - but only if you stop fighting it - back off let it flow - give him (and her) nothing to kick against. So -
9) Either your relationship with your ex will improve to your being at least civil to each other - or he will disappear into the sunset. STOP FIGHTING IT!!
10) Your son will be able to make his own mind up about what happened - and it won't be based on seeing his mum and dad wishing unpleasant things on each other!!!

Be happy - do stuff with your son - don't even think about the ex and his bit off stuff - they are history - you get on well with your son?!! - enjoy it - don't spoil it. At the end of the day - its you who tucks him up in bed!!!!
Enjoy your life - join Gingerbread - i've heard they are great - supportive in all ways - serious and fun.
please please please be happy - speak to a solicitor or even the citizens advice bureau.

Answer 7

First of all,he left you and your son for another woman,he chose to walk out of his son's life.He has committed adultery in the eyes of the law and you need to go to a lawyer in order to obtain full custody.
If he doesn't make any effort to see his son,well I don't think he deserve any consideration from you...do you want to have an happy boy growing up or a miserable one,waiting for his dad's phone calls,letters,and so on....you are your son future.
You must put aside your hurt and do what's best for him.Is better not to have a father at all,that to have a bad one.
Personal experience....husband left for another woman,came back after 8 yrs asking to see son,allowed him but didn't tell son who the man was (I knew in my heart he wouldn't be a good dad).....the man came and see him few times.Now son is almost 11 and thank God he didn't know about man was his dad.....otherwise he would be upset and asking why father not calling or coming to visit.Son is doing very well thank you very much without "sperm donor" around.He asked about his "sperm donor",told him he has chosen to go away,son understood and said "thank you mum for being here and take care of me".
Son is doing well at school,and today got a gold medal from his football club,as his team won first place in a league match,son is the goalkeeper,a very good one too.Offered place at a small football club for U11.
Life goes on,believe me,you will be so proud of you son growing up that no man can "match that".
You can do it,trust me.Think of what's best for your son.
Good luck.
p.s.no man is worth your tears.

Answer 8

Dear Onlyme,

Since there are no court orders in place guaranteeing your ex's rights to visitation, you can control this 100%. You are entirely within your rights to tell him that your son is not to be around this other woman. Also, allowing him visitation in your home is safer than allowing your ex to pick your son up and take him somewhere. For all you know, he can pick up his gf on the corner after he picks up your son, and off they go. After you are less upset by the break up, you can decide whether or not you will allow your son to visit when the current woman is there.

As to the amount of time between visits, your ex is not a constant man. He can't keep girlfriends and he isn't able to be constant in his visitation. Are you really surprised? Take what he is willing to give your son, for your son's sake. Try not to make waves just to see the ex squirm, that needs to be beneath you now. Think of your son only and let the ex take care of himself. Remember that no child can have too much love in his life.

Next time, find someone who is willing to commit and get married. Make babies after you marry. Then you won't have to raise your children alone. There are wonderful men out there who need love and commitment from a woman. No reason you can't get one of your own. :) Love and commitment are lovely together. :) Good luck.

Answer 9

Letting them take the son doesn't mean that you are accepting them as a couple...it means you still realize "HE" is the the childs father. He has a RIGHT to see the child even if this woman is there. It may not matter that you don't want them to play "happy" family. He is still his father and he has that right. And maybe he has perfectly good reasons of seeing him less often. You never know unless you talk to them....ask them questions and raise the child with a MOTHER and a FATHER like it should be. Think of your son instead of your ego.

Answer 10

Youre best bet here would be go to court and get custody of your son and might as wellget child support for him and then allow supervised visits for dad which will give you some control over visits and eliminate overnights due to his background although you will have to prove any accusations you make against him. Also this way you have the courts as backup if something happens