Q about suicide. I am very disturbed by suicide, committed by friend?

Question

How do you come to terms with a violent suicide? When you saw the person that day and they didnt tell you.

I mean they didnt tell you they felt bad.
It was particularly horrific. I am struggling to put it behind me.

Answer 1

it's very hard Babyshambles. As someone who has been the other side of this, what I can try to tell you is that when a person reaches that low depth, rational thinking goes out of the window, people say it's the 'easy option' but it really isn't. No one wakes up on a Monday morning and thinks, well today I'll do some shopping, come home, put some washing in and then commit suicide. it isn't like that. it's a slow tumble through the murky waters to the bottom of the lake and by the time you reach the bottom you've convinced yourself that it's the only option, that everyone else will be better off without you, that you're a burden, that people won't even notice the space you've left behind. You no longer believe you're important and you even convince yourself that you are doing what is right for everyone. It's selfish to someone on the outside but to the person thinking it, it seems realistic and sensible.
You have no way of 'knowing'. I have been in floods of tears before, and then answred a phone call from my sister or a friend and been able to compose myself so much within a few seconds that there's just no way they could suspect anything was wrong. And it's to protect them, because by the time you feel that bad about things, you feel there's no hope for you but that you can make it as easy as possible for those you care about. You tell them what you think they want to hear, that you're feeling great, things are looking up, nothing to worry about, life's getting better, and you hang up feeling you made them happy.
The only way you can come to terms with this is to accept that they cared enough about you to shield you, to protect you from the black feelings, that they probably believed in their heart of hearts that this was for the best. And forgive yourself, don't beat yourself up, don't go through life thinking 'if I had known, if I had only said this,or that ...' it would have made no difference, honestly, by the time it gets that bad the pain is so intense that very little can prevent the inevitable.
Just believe me when I say that they weren't trying to hurt anyone, they truly believed it was for the best, and that they were in extreme pain, and that it wasn't something they did on the spur of the moment, and it wasn't done to seek attention or to cause pain to anyone, they just felt they had exhausted all possible options and they wanted their pain to end.
You will get there, just don't feel you could have 'done' anything. Because you really couldn't.

Answer 2

Suicide is a very difficult problem to deal with. Someone I knew threw herself off a high bridge. A few days before, she had been at the swimming pool with a friend. They saw parachuters landing on the nearby airfield, and she said, 'I wonder what it's like to fall through the air like that?' My friend agonised for weeks about it. She kept asking herself if she should have realised what this person was going to do.
You can't, it that person's choice.
When I was working in a centre for asylum seekers, one of the residents was deeply disturbed. I managed to get him an appointment with a psychiatrist. His assessment was that he had through a crisis, but was now positive, the crisis was passed. Yes, it was. He had made his decision and killed himself a few days later.
If a psychiatrist couldn't see the signs, then how could you?
In that case I was more angry than disturbed, because I had seen the signs, and no one believed me. I will never forget it, but I have come to terms with it. I had done what I could.
Try not to feel guilt. It'll take time and if you are really having problems, I'm sure there is counselling available, although, not living in the UK, I can't help you on that one.

Answer 3

I am sorry to hear about your friend. My first advice is don't take it personally, and I mean that in the nicest possible way. I have got quite close to patients in hospital and just as I am at the point of believeing they are well and will get through it, they commit suicide, which has been their intention from the start. If their mind is really set, it can be really upsetting when you can't help them.#
It will leave a dent in you , but use the experience for something good
On top of that my ward manager comitted suicide after being made redundant. My hubby was among others who were and it hit him really hard as he was a close acquaintance. I quite liked him too.
In my workplace I have always learnt it is the quiet ones that are most vunerable and its a really sad reality. I am sorry you went through that. There are many tragic cases I nursed that I still think about. But I also remember the ones who are well and have made it back from hell, me being one of those folk.

Answer 4

The same thing happened to me!! My friend came over we talked about the future even and she killed herself that evening .I had no signs of depression it was so sudden and to this day I still can't believe it really happened the way they said ! All I can tell you is to remember the good times and I hope she is in a better place now and someday I will see her again!! Life must go on !! I still think about her now and again and I've stopped trying to figure it out the worst is why didn't she tell me I would have done anything to help!! The what ifs will drive you crazy you have to let it go !! Be Well !!

Answer 5

You poor thing, it must be terrible for you, haven't really got a answer but my step mum committed suicide and I know that there wouldn't have been anything I could have said to stop her, I think when people get into that frame of mind there is little you can do, I know that probably doesn't help you at the moment. Wishing you all the best

Answer 6

Not sure about a violent suicide. I had a work colleague who commited suicide without a sign that he was depressed or anything. I still think about the guy today, that being nearly 12 years ago. To be fair, i don't think your friend would tell you they were depressed enough to commit suicide. As it is a very personal yet selfish thing. I just hope you cope with it. Sorry to hear about your friend

Answer 7

Hi Babyshambles.

you have had some excellent answers and i cant add much more.
except to say there was nothing you could have said or done that day to prevent it, and it was nothing that you said or did that day that was responsible for it.

Grief and bereavement affects everyone differently, do whats best for you to get it out your system. Its not wrong to be angry at that person or blame them, its a natural stage of grief. The final stage is acceptance and eventually you will get there.

The old cliche 'time is a healer' is certainly true in this case. Not much help now when you feel bad, but I promise in time you will feel better about it.
Thinking of you xxx

Answer 8

This is a very difficult question to answer.
Your friend didn't confide in you, because their mind was made up, if they had you would obviously had tried to stop them.

Your friend had found peace in their mind, and nothing you could have said would have changed that.

Depression still carries alot of stigma,even in these 'enlightened' times, unfortunatly.

I'm not very good at this kind of thing, sorry.

It's a tragic thing for anyone to go through, I think you can take solace in that your friend knew you cared.

I wish i had a better answer for you, but this is the best i can do.
Peace & Love!

Answer 9

Even if someone who commits suicide is not exactly "responsible" in that their depression has clouded their judgement, this does not mean that anyone else is responsible instead.

I recall being told that people who commit suicide often seem more "up" shortly before they carry it out - because they've reached a decision and feel some relief at having identified a way out of their despair.

It was your friend's choice not to confide in you. You can't reproach yourself for not seeingwhat was concealed from you.

Answer 10

Grief is a terrible thing and we all deal with it differently. Suicide in my opinion is harder to bear sometimes as the person choose to end their life.

All you can do is grieve for the person you lost and not judge them, they did what they felt was best for themselves. You will never know why they never told you or why you never realised, I believe suicide is a very personal act and if determined a person will commit this act.

Just remember the good times you had with this person. Sorry to hear about your loss. xxx