Rate this poem honestly? Please?

Question

The bomb is about to blow,
I fear this will be her last day,
After tonight she will have nothing left to say,
The bomb has blown,
It announced it in a firery tone,
The mill lit up in a blaze,
The crowd was sadly watching, their mind in a daze,
Screaming Sirens,
Children crying,
The firefighters bring out bodys all smoky and black,
Nothing is intact,
When everyone is out,
Some one yells without a dupht,
"Someone is in there."
It echos out like the roar of a bear,
The firefighters go back into the mill,
They hear a faint scream that's very shrill,
They see her, coughing,
She was only out shopping,
The firefighters bring out the motionless body all black,
This was the cruelest of all hacks,
They lay her down on the cold bare ground,
They listen to her heart but hear no sound,
Her eyes open as faint as ever,
She tells everyone to forget her, never,
She flashes a faint smile as her eyes start to close,
Nobody knows it but her spirit has arose.

Answer 1

Rating: 2 of 10 on form, 7 of 10 on story.
This is a "poem that tells a story". If you're going to write a poem like this, you need to make it sound as if it's not a poem...but do it poetically. It's difficult not to make a serious poem like this "not" sound too rhymy when done in verse, but whether you choose to use rhyme or open/free verse, you need to use your ear more. You have a good concept, but you need to concentrate more on the images and less on the unimportant details...and less about "making it rhyme". That's the downside to rhyming. I love rhymed poetry, but if you choose that way to go, you need to make it almost sound like it doesn't rhyme...it's very difficult to do well.

Don't be discouraged, just take what you've written and work on it. Never just toss a poem and forget about it...give it a chance...it asked to be born, so give it another few tries at life.

Keep writing.

Answer 2

Do you mean doubt where you have dupht? The best I can say about your poem is that it does rhyme. However the rhyme scheme sounds very contrived and more like doggerel than actual poetry. Work on creating an image and emotion. For example take just the next to last line of your poem " She flashes a faint smile as her eyes start to close." It's pretty good, but then you ruin it with the last line complete with incorrect verb form--it's has arisen not has arose. How about an ending more like this?
She flashes a faint smile as her eyes start to close,
Relieved to be leaving this world of hatred and woes.

It's still bad doggerel, but at least we know why she smiled as she died.

Answer 3

i read it from the bottom up.
would you like a little critique?
leave out "this was the cruelest of all hacks." (attacks?) instead?
and the beginning first 3 sentences doesnt make sense with the rest of the body, you talk of " I " then you talk of "they".
its a 6.

Answer 4

I actually think it is good. I like the story.
But what does the word dupht mean?

Just clean it up a bit and try to publish it.

Answer 5

Honsetly?

It doesn't flow, there's no rhythm to it.

Check out E.E. Cummings or Sylvia Plath poetry to get a better idea of of non-rhyming contemporary poetry.

So far, all I see are alot of random words.

Answer 6

I see where your going, it's a good poem as far as words go..the story goes, but there isn't a rythym. It's somewhat depresssing though =(. But it's okay, keep writing. The more you write the more you learn and the better you get. =).