here:
You love me, you love me.
Within articulate words,
And within descriptive letters,
You express your deep feelings.
Giving me vibrant mental pictures,
You made me feel special,
You made me feel safe.
Said that you’d leave…
But only if that was my desire.
That within a jerk of a blade,
You’d take your own life,
But only if I wanted.
You said that no matter what,
No matter my foolish acts,
You’d always love me…
But here I stand,
With a guilt-filled stomach…
And you look down upon me.
Calling me excruciating names,
Threatening me like you hate me.
But I thought you loved me.
It was just one mistake…
Is this how you treat the woman you love?
2007-07-21 01:49:23 · 9 answers · asked by . 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
I don't understand the comments you received on your poem. I thought it was actually quite good. It was an honest write and had solid images and concepts. It may not have been as "poetic" as some may have expected, but all in all it is a very solid write. I would only tamper with the last line. You could simply say, "What happened to "always"?"
In any event, I thought you hit on the mark with lines like "here I stand with a guilt-filled stomach"...only the guilty can appreciate how that feels...and to have someone who said they loved you keep hammering on you when they surely must know you're already as low as you can get...I thought you captured that perfectly.
Just work on the last line...or two, and I think you'll have a good poem on your hands. It's raw, but it should be given the subject of the poem.
2007-07-24 17:39:37 · answer #1 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Very nice. A bit trite... but how long have you been writing poetry? A fledgeling poet usually starts with the trite, then moves on gradually to the Maya Angelow status.
2007-07-21 01:53:37 · answer #2 · answered by Ahry K 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it sounds more than a lament letter to your boyfriend than a poem. it needs some rythm
2007-07-21 06:13:11 · answer #3 · answered by northlookeagle 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It has lots of meaning and deep feeling.. I love it it's beautiful!! But don't do anything you'll regret..
2007-07-21 02:00:06 · answer #4 · answered by Xavier-Grand 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I like it, but I don't like the moral of the poem.
2007-07-22 04:27:38 · answer #5 · answered by gulfbreeze8 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
to tell the truth, pretty boring, dont be offended, its about the poem not you.
2007-07-21 02:06:25 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think its sweet but dont be getting any ideas
2007-07-21 01:57:59 · answer #7 · answered by HANNAH x 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i like it. that was real gut feeling.
2007-07-24 14:25:57 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it's good.
2007-07-21 01:55:15 · answer #9 · answered by Cinnibuns 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋