Why can’t my ex-husband, family and friends just accept that I don’t want to be a part of my daughter's life?

Question

My ex-husband and I got married at 27 and at the time he was fully aware that I never intended to have children and he told me he was ok with that. I couldn’t find a doctor who’d let me get my tubes tied in my 20’s so I took every other precaution I had available to make sure I didn’t get pregnant. After 3 years of marriage I got pregnant and was determined to abort it but everyone around me especially my husband begged me to reconsider assuring me I’d feel different once she was born. I ended up having my daughter , signing away all parental rights and divorcing him because I didn’t see how we could make it work with a baby I never wanted in our lives. I see my daughter about four times a month when dropping off the 5 dogs we share custody over. My family has virtually disowned me for not having any contact with my daughter who turned 3 last week. Why can’t they just understand that I don’t want to be part of her life? Note: At the insistence of my mother who adores children, I went to several doctors who all confirmed that I’m not suffering from any type of depression and am in perfect health. I just recently got a promotion with a significant pay increase and have a wonderful boyfriend of a year and just couldn’t be happier. Why can’t they be happy for me?

Answer 1

I think that too most people women are not normally the ones to walk away from their children, I cant say i agree with your feelings as i have a son that i would not change for all the world despite what eva other issues i may have..
BUT
i respect your right to have your own feelings and i think that you were honest enough about them to start off with...

I dont know how to advise except to say that they will surely neva really understand it and that you may have to accept that this will be the case for eva.. you may have to face the fact that your family and friends dont want anything to do with you, kind of like "you made your bed now lie in it" (sorry) and will have to try make peace with it in your heart as best you can...

As i said, i dont get it personally but i wish you the best of luck in your future..

Answer 2

Okay so you've taken a lot of hard hits from a lot of people who can't see your point of view like your family. Now let me say that I give you an applause for not being selfish when you wanted an abortion and knew that your husband wanted the baby, so you had your daughter. Let me also applaud you on the fact that knowing you didn't want to be a "mom" you signed over your rights and gave this man a "gift" of a beautiful daughter and didn't keep the child for monetary gain or make her life miserable by pretending to be someone you're not, a mom. That takes courage my friend! There are so many children in this world living in homes where they truly are not wanted but the parents didn't have the courage to do right by their child. Giving birth doesn't make you a mom, nor does lying with a woman and getting her pregnant make a man a father, it's the long hours, days, weeks and years afterwards that you put into the relationship with the child that earns you the right to be called their parent. This is from a woman who was given up for adoption as a child, and maybe I just have a little different opinion than the majority of people out there.

Answer 3

Okay, so, you had this child because your ex-husband and yourself ultimately decided to have her. This is the same situation that my friend a few years ago had to deal with. Her mother signed over all parental rights to her father. I cannot tell you how incredibly bitter she is towards her mother. She hates her with a passion, and she is so lost and alone because of that. She feels as if her mother sold her off because she didn't love her. Maybe that's true, but its still wildly inappropriate to not have any contact with your child. It is shameful, and no matter how you live your life now, you will always have this little girl wanting you to be in her life. She needs support from her father and her mother. I am truly sorry that you felt pressured to have this child. You know that you never wanted children, and from the sound of it, you probably never should have. This is not about you. This is about a little child, an innocent person in the world who really needs your love and support. You dont want another angry, bitter person in the world, a person who has years of feeling empty and so alone inside. That's a terrible feeling, one that I have experienced.

I'm also sure that you're family is happy that you've moved on and are doing so well, but a child is a major life choice. The only person that controls you is you. Now is the time to step up to the plate and be there for your daughter, whether or not you want to be. I am telling you all of this because there are too many sad, lonely, and angry people in this world that grew up w/o loving support from both parents. I really hope that you take my advice into consideration and I also hope that you will someday see that loving and supporting your daughter is the best thing you could have ever done with your life.

Answer 4

Its been passed down through the ages that they say that the woman's maternal instinct is stronger than a mans paternal one. Its not at all true you aren't at fault for feeling what you feel I'm sad for your daughter and I hope some day when she asks why that you can do it compassionately and not hurt her. But in my opinion you werent made that way. Society expects the woman to die do anything for her child and yet its accepted and almost expected that if it was a man not wanting the child well that's wouldn't be the shocker. Its a double standard society. People are just like that and they think that its supposed to be that way because the woman carries the child 9 months but if you dont have the feelings you dont. If they cant accept it then its their problem. Hopefully your x will move on find a step mom who will give the little girl the attention and love she will need growing up. They should just let it go. Just my opinion.

Answer 5

If you can't handle truth, then stop reading this post NOW. I find it very funny that if a man were in your shoes, then allot of these people siding with you would be all over him. Also I find it most disturbing that you will share the DOGS but not your own child. Believe me, when this little girl grows to the point where you will want to be part of her life,(and you will) it will be too late. The fact that she will absolutely hate you will be nobodies fault but yours. Even IF she was an accident, you were 1/2 responsible for her. I personally feel that you are not worthy of her in any way and she is far better off without you. You family is right as any normal person would agree. The only suggestion that I would give you is that if you really and truly want nothing to do with this little gift from heaven, then dissapear and stay completely away from her! (and the damn dogs too!)

Answer 6

I understand you wanting to ever have kids but what disturbs me is that you did. If you really, really felt this way you could have found some doctor that would have tied your tubes. See because now you have a child who is three who will not understand why you do not want to be involved on her life. That will take a toll on her. I hope that she does well because I do feel it is better than you staying and being really distant and or mean because you really do not want her. To become pregnant while feeling the way you did was completely irresponsible. The reason they cannot be happy for you is because they are thinking about your daughter who may have problems because of this. You cannot expect them to be happy. If you really did not want kids you should have not been having sex...every time a fertile woman has sex she can get pregnant. I truly hope your tubes are tied!!!

Answer 7

I think its hard for almost anyone to understand how a father or mother would not want any part of a relationship with their own child. I understand you did not want to have this baby and you make that perfectly clear, but you share custody over dogs? To me that makes you sound horrible. I am a mother of three wonderful children. Only one was planned. My first one came at 16. Wasnt' prepared at all. My last one came at 32. To share custody of your dogs and not your child is in my opinion and I assume the humble opinion of your ex-husband and his family and yours, is selfish and you are leaving a child motherless and she will always wonder why her own mother didn't want her. I feel no pity for you and what you family feels for you. You need to wake up and understand that although things might not be the way you wanted them to be there is a little girl on this earth that is a part of you and she will crave to know you as she grows older and if you don't step in now... she will only grow to hate you and hate the part of you thats in her. Dont give her that as well.

Answer 8

What? I try not to be too judgemental about people; God will do that in his own time. But being a mother myself it is very difficult for me to have any sympathy for you. I thank God everyday for my two kids - neither one was not planned, but I immediately bonded with them once I found out I was pregnant with them. They are truly a blessing from God - they bring me joy and happiness everyday. Yes, I understand some mothers are unfit due to drugs, alcohol, abuse, whatever the case may be. I understand they have problems and need help in order to be better mothers. But you willingly and consciously gave up your daughter - you don't have any problems except for the fact that you are missing out on the most wonderful part of life - a child. You have failed to enjoy the ups and downs of having the most precious gem of all - your daughter. How did you make it through your pregnancy? Didn't you feel some kind of bond with her? I'm sorry if I'm sounding too harsh, but this really has my blood boiling. I feel the same way about men giving up their rights to children - they disgust me as well. What do you think your daughter will think or say to you 10, 15, or 20 years down the road when she finally figures out that her own mother cared more for the 5 dogs than her? Dogs can be replaced, children can't! I pray that God will take care of your daughter and help her to grow up with people that love her and help her to grow into a happy and loving individual. She deserves to have all the best that life can give her.
I pray that God will forgive you for what you have done.

Answer 9

Some people are not born with the capacity to love. Your child did not ask to be born, you did that! You have the right to choose not to be involved in your childs life however your child has a right to know her mother. You want her to know you as a cold and uncaring person who only drops off the dogs at visitation, and you have to ask why your family can't be happy for you...they wonder where they went wrong and how you turned out to be so cold. It's sad really that you can drop off your 5 dogs that you share custody over but you gave birth to this child that you have nothing for. Do her a favor and stay out of her life, give up the dogs to your ex and stop rubbing her nose in the fact you don't care! Hopefully she will have the love of her father to pull her through life.

Answer 10

I'm hoping this is a sick joke. You're seriously asking people to understand that you don't want to be responsible for a child that you brought into this world (apparently someone twisted your arm), yet you maintain contact with an ex to share custody of five dogs?

If you are serious, read the last question you wrote; read the last to words, then think on it. It's not about you. It's about your child. You made decisions as an adult, and you're not following through by accepting responsibility. Your child didn't have any choices, and didn't ask to be here. She deserves more than the dogs, I'd say.

I'm still hoping you're just trying to get a rise out of strangers online....

Answer 11

Honestly, if you didnt want to have children, then you SHOULDN'T have. Why don't you stop and think about how this may make your daughter feel!
However, it is better for her to not be around a mother who obviously wants nothing to do with her, this would only hurt her more.

No offense, but you seem EXTREMELY selfish, and need to seriously grow up and think about how your actions affect other people. Your little girl didnt ask to be brought into the world, but you didnt take enough precautions to prevent it.

I feel really sorry for your daughter.... So glad you are so "happy" in your life, since she will probably be miserable through hers, always wondering why her mother didnt want her.

I feel so sorry for your daughter!