I was sexually abused when I was a child, and I am having trouble being intimate. What can I do to change?

Question

I hate the way I have been living my life. I was never able to deal with my sexual abuse, when I was a kid. I moved out of my house when I was 15. I have moved every single year since then. Every time I had any kind of an emotional attachment to anyone, I would move. I was extremely emotionless (almost robotic like). I was secretive, I drank, I kept my friends, work, and sex life extremely separate from each other.

I recently moved to a big city, and have decided to try to open my life to people. I used to hide, and not mix my worlds together. This year I have been. I am having trouble with it. I feel so exposed. I feel like I am out of control.

The worst part is, is that I don't date. I never have. I usually make up having any type of a relationship to escape questions. I can't do this anymore. I am lonely, and I want to have someone in my life. What can I do to just let me be me, and to have someone in my life. I don't want to end up alone.

Answer 1

I am so, so sorry that you experienced abuse in your past. Nobody should have to go through that. It appears that you have very thoughtfully identified the consequences that you are now experiencing from that terrible crime that was committed against you. These are the kinds of things that are very difficult for people to overcome alone. I mean, so far you haven't been able to "just get over it", right? I hope you will find a competent professional counselor or psychiatrist who can help you find the quality of life that you are wishing for. I hope all the best for you and your future.

Answer 2

While I agree with many of the other folks here that you should find a good therapist, there are some other things you can try as well.

I would say start by just making friends, and worry less about finding a "relationship". I know how hard it is to be lonely, but think baby steps. If you go too fast you'll overwhelm yourself and end up reaffirming your current isolated mindset. Push the limits of your comfort zone a little, but go slow and listen to your instincts. Don't get discouraged if you have some setbacks or bad days. That's normal.

Try taking a class of some sort. I don't know how old you are, or your financial situation, but taking a class on something that interests you guarentees that you'll meet people who have at least ONE thing in common with you. It's a good non-threatening, safe way to meet people. If you're athletic, join a sports team or a gym. If you like to read, try joining a book club. Volunteer. Do something you enjoy that will put you in contact with other people. The thing is, focus more on enjoying what you're doing and less on feeling like you "have" to make friends/form connections. Take some of the pressure off yourself. Friendships and relationships tend to form naturally when compatible people get together. Don't worry about about having to act or appear a certain way (I know, much easier said than done!) Try to see what you're doing as a valuable experience - something to make you a more enriched person.

Support groups are another great way to get help and make connections. I'm sure this has already been suggested, but they CAN be very helpful.

Someone suggested that you forgive your abuser. With due respect to that person, I disagree. If you feel as though you want to or need to forgive that person, fine. But you have every right to be angry with them as long as you want. Personally I don't think I'll ever forgive the people who abused me. The people who abused you did something terrible, devestating, and life-altering to you when you were powerless to prevent it, and they are not owed any forgiveness unless you see fit to grant it. To be honest, I get offended when people suggest that I "forgive and forget". If they had any idea what I had been through and what they were suggesting I "forgive", I doubt they would suggest it in the first place.

There are some books you can look at that may be helpful:

Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse Workbook: Practical Exercises for Working on Problems Resulting from Childhood Abuse by Carolyn Ainscough

The Courage to Heal Workbook: A Guide for Women and Men Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse by Laura Davis

The Right to Innocence: Healing the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Abuse: A Therapeutic 7-Step Self-Help Program for Men and Women, Including How to Choose a Therapist and Find a Support Group by Beverly Engel

I hope that this was helpful.

Good luck.

Sabine1313

Answer 3

Call your local rape crisis hotline. They have trained counselors available 24/7 and all calls are confidential. You need to seek professional help. Someone who won't judge you and just listen to you. The rape crisis centers are non-profit organizations helping people not only with rape but they also help with sexually abused women/men. It sounds like you're ready to deal with your monsters and the only way you could face your fears/problems is to talk it out and be true to yourself and your significant other when you are ready. Sexual abuse is very common and its really sad that you have to deal with these horrors instead of the perpetrator. Don't beat yourself up, whatever happened to you is in no way shape or form your fault! You did not ask for it and did not consent to this horrible act. Although it might seem as if you cannot move pass the stage where you're at, with professional help you will be surprised how far you can advance not only in your relationship, but it will also help with your emotional well being. Good Luck and remember don't beat yourself up, nothing that happened was your fault!

Answer 4

I just found out today that my 6 year old granddaughter has been molested over and over agian for the last year and a half.. found out just 2 days ago... when I look at her I see the same child who I now know is not the same child... while cleaning out the basement today this little girl told me that she was sorry for being a bad person... I kissed her and told her that she did not do any thing bad that some one did bad things to her... I know this does not help her but I know that she hugged me and said that she felt happy talking to me because she does not have to be afraid any more I am 55 years old and I will if GOD allows me spending every day of the rest of my life with this child... I told her that she needs to talk about this over and over untill she gets pisted...and I will share her anger with her... young lady your pain and the bad experiences are part of you life and no it will not go away... have you had trama counseling? I know that a good counselor is very hard to fine.. But I do know that I am my borthers' keeper and please e mail me:
[e-mail] no man or woman is an island and it's time for you to stop moving so much... and communicate with someone....I know what it is like to feel alone in the world... now as for you having a realaionship with a partner it will take time for you to trust...you must get over your fears also and must heal some you are still hurting but the good new is you are talking about it in a safe way.... which mean the healing process has begun there will always be scares... but healed over enough to may be help another child some day... support groups can be not so good so take your time in finding a good one... e mail me this will help me and my grand child... and you. don't be in such a big rush to get into a realationship.. find you a male friend that is a friend first and fore most. that will help just having some one that is male to talk to all men are not pigs.. I know there is enough of the bad ones to make them all look bad.. but they are not all bad please take care of yourself and love your self ..spoil your self some much love and prayer from a black granny in portland

Answer 5

Please go get counseling. It is great that you are here to get advice and want to seek help to overcome the terrible trauma that being abused has caused. Please know that this is not your fault and that as a victim and not asking to be abused, it will affect your life, as you already know. The first step is being willing to talk openly to someone about it. If you don't have health coverage to go to a counselor, check your local community for a shelter dealing with abuse. Many times there are therapists that do this based on your income or for free. Having been abused, I know how this can affect your relationships. It is important to be able to understand how this has affected you socially and even on a day to day level of making decisions. Through therapy and support from others that care about you, you will find that it can make you a stronger person for it. It will take time to learn to deal with it and to allow it to not take control over you so you can slowly put it in the past and learn to make healthy decisions, but you can do it! Try not to focus on dating right now but on mending your self, your self-esteem, self-image and self-worth. All the other components of having a healthy overview of yourself including your own sexuality and understanding who you are will fall into place in time. Please look for a good counselor that will help you, listen, be supportive and give you good advice to assist you with being able to deal with the trauma and how to move on so you have control and it doesn't control you. Best to you and hope this helps and take care!

Answer 6

i can really relate to your story, it sounds quite similar to mine
the first thing to do is get a good, professional, therapist to help you through this, there's no point trying to do it alone

choose the right crowd of friends, you need to find sensitive people and not the other type maybe some yoga or meditation groups would be helpful in helping you relax and meeting others
find things you are really interested in to take your mind off things a bit and then the right people will appear (i guess)
never give up hope
good luck

Answer 7

You have to forgive the person who did it do you. You also have to come to terms with the fact that it was of no fault of your own.

Write the offender a letter but don't mail it. In the letter, recount what you remember of the abuse and how it has devastated your life. And then tell them in the letter of your forgiveness.

Then go somewhere and bury the letter. When you bury it, bury the past with it and get on with your life. Start by loving yourself and by knowing that you deserve the happiness of having a loving person in your life.

Good luck.

Answer 8

You'll never move forward till you settle your beef with your past. This may require professional counseling, the important thing to remember is that many people have been where you are and have made it through just fine, the key is recognizing you need help and finding that help.

Answer 9

Browse for some books on "self-help" in library,bookstores or Amazon.com.Good luck!