How do you rate the following poem that I wrote?

Question

I'D RATHER BE A NOTHING

I'D RATHER BE A NOTHING
THAN BE A LIVING THING
THAT CAN BE HURT OR HURTFUL

I'D RATHER BE A NOTHING
THAN BE A LIVING THING
THAT IS GUARANTEED TO DIE
AND SEE MY LOVED ONES DIE

I'D RATHER BE A NOTHING
THAN BE A LIVING THING IN PAIN
AND FEEL THE PAIN OF THE ONES
I CARE ABOUT AS WELL

I'D RATHER BE A NOTHING
THAN HAVE A HEART FILLED WITH SORROW
AND WISH THERE WAS NO TOMORROW

I'D RATHER BE A NOTHING
THAN SUFFER FROM THE ANGUISH IN MY MIND
EVEN THOUGH I AM STILL KIND

I'D RATHER BE A NOTHING
AND ALLOW MYSELF TO DIE
SO I NO LONGER HAVE TO CRY

C) 2006

So far, all your answers are really kind, and one person was inquisitive about the author....this was the 4rth poem I wrote after my 20 year old son died two years ago.

dear sweetlaugher101,
thank you for your high rating...
However, I did and still do feel this way deep down inside my soul...As I wrote this poem I meant EVERY SINGLE WORD of it...it came straight from my heart...My son committed suicide when he was 20 and a half years old, 2 years ago. He went to the top of our 14 story building and jumped to his death....The poem, as stated in the question is as follows...
I'D RATHER BE A NOTHING
THAN BE A LIVING THING
THAT CAN BE HURT OR HURTFUL - when you look at the world and observe the wide array of peoples' experiences on earth...there is not one person that has not been hurt, [no-one likes to feel pain, either emotional, physical or mental hurt], and
there is no-one on this planet that has not been hurtful to someone else or others [either accidentally or intentionally]...which creates guilt or a bad feeling inside that you hurt someone, especially when you hurt loved ones/friends, etc.

I'D RATHER BE A NOTHING
THAN BE A LIVING THING
THAT IS GUARANTEED TO DIE
AND SEE MY LOVED ONES DIE - every living thing is guaranteed to die and I don't want to die while I'm going through happy periods in my life.
And I've seen my loved ones die: both my parents, my husband's parents, 2 of my
closest high school teachers, all my grandparents on both sides of my family, a childhood friend, who I grew up with, and her son, a dear friend of my family died 10 days before our son, our son [and brother to my two other children] and a close friend in our building just died 2 weeks ago...and don't forget actors, singers and people we don't even know that you see and hear about on the news.

I'D RATHER BE A NOTHING
THAN BE A LIVING THING IN PAIN
AND FEEL THE PAIN OF THE ONES
I CARE ABOUT AS WELL - Everyone has felt pain in their lifetime - [I have a rare form of muscular dystrophy]- and the emotional pain of losing people [or pets] in your life. You also feel other people's pain, especially the ones close to you...I not only feel MY sorrow from the loss of our son, but I have felt the pain of my husband who had to go out and identify our son's body on the pavement after jumping from the roof...I also feel the anger and hurt of my daughter as a result of losing her brother and I feel the pain of my younger son because he lost his ''twin angel'' as I used to call them
because he and his brother that died were best of friends.

I think the rest is self explanatory.

P.s. I was never really interested in poetry until a few months after our son died, and then poetry just started flowing through me.

Dear ''the critic'',
duh... the reason why I explained the meaning behind some of the phrases of my poem is because Sweetlaugher 101stated :''it seems like you didn't really feel this when you wrote it just came as you thought about what to write''...so I wanted to let her know that it was not about a subject matter that I thought up out of the blue...but was, in actuality, based on a REAL occurrence that happened in my life. If such an occurrence like the loss of a son, daughter, sibling, spouse or parent to suicide or death in any form happens to you, God forbid....I will not sympathize with you...and if you , as you stated, ''i would have rather done something else then read the nothing that is your words. try again.'' then why don't you take a break from this site and rest your weary head. I will not try again sweetie, because I am happy with my poem.

Dear sweetie pie ['the critic],
one further note...I have had several of my poems published...and I checked on some of your answers and you are mistaken when you say that poetry.com is [to summarize what you said - a farce]...For your recollection you stated ''if you join their membership program for only 500 bucks (lucky us.. ) you can join them in their poetry reading- award giving- bull dooky ceremony and you can do all this for the low low price of upgrading your membership for another 200.''... Excuse me, but I joined their membership for free...they ask your permission to publish your GREAT poetry and even if you agree to this, you're under no obligation to buy any of their books with your poem[s] published in them. You are right about one thing, though, that they do write to you and say that you've won a medallion, etc. but then as you read further, they say that you have to pay for it...but I was not fooled by this and thus, saved my money.

Answer 1

yeah its heaps awesome
9/10 :D

Answer 2

I can feel your pain in your words and it seems there is some frustration with your attempt to get the image/feeling inside of you into the proper words on paper. For example, when you repeat "I'd rather be a nothing than...", you could have listed several reasons in a row, "then" repeated that refrain, for example:

"I'd rather be a nothing
than be a living thing
that can be hurt or hurtful
Guaranteed to die
feel the pain of the ones I care about
and see my loved ones die"

"I'd rather be a nothing
than be a living thing in pain
even though I am still kind
Than have a heart filled with sorrow
Suffer from the anguish in my mind
and wish there was no tomorrow"

"I'd rather be a nothing
and allow myself to cry
I'd rather be a nothing
So I'd no longer have to cry"

You have powerful lines, but breaking them up with too much repetition took away from them. My suggested rewrite is only an example, I'm sure you could do the same or better since you are the one who suffered (and are still suffering). My suggestion is only to show you just how powerful your lines can be if you work on them. One of the most difficult things for a new poet is to tamper with their creations...but it is also the most important thing a poet can do...write, let it sit, read, read to others, listen, edit, re-edit, let it sit, read, etc.

I also share your surprise at how suddenly you can seem almost possessed to write poetry (from out of nowhere). I travelled down that same road. Also, so you know, Poetry.com is considered a "vanity press", which is not the same as "fraud" as has been implied by others. They make their money from poets who pay to have a copy of an anthology that has "one" of their poems in it (often the very first poem in the book). The price is a bit steep, but if you want to see your work in print, there is nothing wrong with it.

Keep writing, it's very cathartic and a wonderful way to share your thoughts.

Answer 3

I'm a poetry writer myself, and if this was one of the first poems you wrote it was pretty good : ) I personally like poems to be more metaphorical and not so cliche. I usually look at lyrics more then poems because I find that it gives you more of a chance to express things on any level, not just what typical poems are about. I LOVE the lyrics to the song "Childhood's End" by Pink Floyd, it's beautiful . I think poetry and lyrics aren't all about being so straight forward with words, because then people can only relate to it in that way. I think art and poetry is all about taking something totally ordinary and using it to express yourself, not just some tradgedy. I think with a lot of practice and inspiration you could very well write an amazing poem.

Answer 4

First, I am so sorry for your loss.

About your poem, there is something intriging about it, it still feels a bit raw like you aren't fully able to express what you feel. This is probably the type of poem that will be a seed thought for a stronger poem later (and I'm sorry given the subject matter, I'm just not going to give you a number rating).

I think you have something here, but I don't think what you have is what it's going to be a year from now.

I'm not sure if that makes sense.

Take care.

Answer 5

It's a different style than I do but not to bad. It lured me in and kept my attention. It made me want to know more about the author. The second to last paragraph about suffering the mental anguish particularly got me. Made me wonder if the same things torment your mind that do my girlfriends. If it is don't be so hard on yourself. At least you are dealing with it as best you can by writing. Don't give in to it and let it overwhelm you. You are a special someone and don't let it win!!

Answer 6

Great u write really well but u need to improve some areas so i give u 7 and a half out of ten. But 1 thing this poem is a real success, i must say.

Answer 7

I say 4/5, It is very deep and meaningful. It makes you read more and also I didn't give a five because it seems like you didn't realy feel this when you wrote it just came as you thought about what to write, but it is really good!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 8

Technically as a poem it is good Your rhythm metre, etc are all sound and it is easy to read.

It does fail one important test of what makes a good poem and that is that I would be very unlikely to want to read it again. While it makes you think, particularly about what led you to write the poem, it is very depressing

I

Answer 9

i would have rather done something else then read the nothing that is your words. try again.
p.s. if you have written even a 'good' poem.. sweat heart you wouldn't have to explain it in paragraphs after the fact!!!!!!!

Answer 10

I thought Kevin's rewrite was simple and effective. I have nothing to add.