Can someone please tell me what is wrong with using "you" when describing someone else in writing a story?

Question

Here is an example of a short story I wrote, that had alot of criticism on the "you" when describing someone else.

You’re standing in the doorway watching me. I’m moving around trying to find something. There’s a look in your eye…lust. Or is it desire or admiration? I can’t tell. You move into the middle of the room. I have to step around you now to get to my destination. I’m by your side now, in mid-step to get past you when you lightly grab hold of my wrist. I stop short, startled, and look at you. I have to look up at an angle, because you’re a couple inches taller then me. A small strand of my hair falls in my face. With your free hand, you slowly reach over and gently tuck it behind my ear. A small smile of satisfaction creeps across your face. Your lips, so perfectly shaped, and your smile, a smile that shows your true emotions.

Ok thats only part of it because the rest wont fit lol

Btw, I wasnt sure what category to put this in

Answer 1

It's overused, 'You move into the middle of the room. I have to step around you now to get to my destination.'

"Moving into the middle of the room and blocking my path I have to step around you to get to my destination." (one 'you' gone)

'I’m by your side now, in mid-step to get past you when you lightly grab hold of my wrist.'

"Moving past, in mid-step you lightly grab hold of my wrist." (another 'you' gone)

If you reword things you can eliminate the repetition of 'you' and even some of the 'your' usage as well. It's a question of style and taste when a word is overused it stands out too much which is what's happening here.

Answer 2

This is my firm opinion and I know it is supported by any intelligent reader of Meyer and Rowling: JK Rowling is in a class of her own. She had a fantastic story to tell - an incredibly real world that pulled every reader of her books into this new world. She was also a talented writer - gripping, appealing to both adults and children and adding just the right amount of all the elements needed for a great story - mystery, personality, humour, warmth, darkness, triumph, defeat - everything is there. Meyer is utterly lame - beyond lame if you like. She writes in a juvenile undeveloped way and is writing the most incredible tosh - unbelievable characters, absolutely plotless and it is simply rubbish. You make very valid points about her, it does indeed seem as if she is addicted to a thesaurus, even when the overabundance of descriptive rubbish adds nothing to the story. Stephen King's judgement is absolutely correct, he is a very respected and established author and he can clearly see the difference between good writing and pure tripe. I would fully support and respect his statement. For any student of English it seems painful to even compare the two writers - JK Rowling is an established classic - Meyer is a disgraceful blot on the history of English literature who happened to appeal to a gaggle of naive 12 year olds who have suddenly developed a crush for vampires. Honestly! Your friends who really think she writes well could do well to read some real romantic writers going back to the classics of Jane Austen and the Brontes. These were writers who really could write - probably better than JK Rowling. Just a thought! Good luck!

Answer 3

I find no harm ; since you used the word " I "there is nothing that forbids using "you " !!!
at the contrary these words make your story much closer to the reader and allow him or her to blend with your story , I think it makes your story touchable , could be tasted and smelt some times .
as an advice from my own experience (am a graduate student at architecture school and one of the top five too!) do not reeeeeally listen of what others say if your work doesn't find any admirers here you will find fans there

Answer 4

I don't see any reason for criticism. You would have to get back to the "critics" and ask them their problem. This doesn't mean that it's the best way to tell the story. Maybe it's not. But I think people owe you a cogent explanation.

Answer 5

i think it's the "watching me" that could be throwing people. u can't expect someone to get into the 2nd person of a story, and say you are watching me. it becomes obvious then that u r telling a story, not allowing the reader to experience it.

Answer 6

Just my honest opinion is you're using the variations of
the word 'You' too much. What about adding a person's name to give it more meaning. Something that would make it bit more memorable to the reader/readers.

Answer 7

OTHER THAN ITS OVERUSE THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH IT. THERE ARE A FEW THAT COULD HAVE BEEN EASILY DROPPED--FOR EXAMPLE--NOW IN MID STEP TO GET PAST YOU--WHY NOT JUST "TO PASS.....OR TO GET PAST..........OR "WITH YOUR FREE HAND SLOWLY REACHING AND GENTLY TUCKING IT BEHIND MY EAR. YOU USE YOU OR YOUR 15 TIMES.

Answer 8

Unless you are speaking of me specifically, then it's incorrect. "You" is not a generic pronoun. "They" is.

Answer 9

no wrong

Answer 10

say he or she