How do I get my wife to be in love with me again?

Question

I am 30 she is 29.We have a 3 yr old son and we are both great parents. She stays home with him but she also gets out alot cause she is a singer. we have had a good life and we are well off finacially. I never have told her she can't do anything and she has always been my true love. the biggest problem we have had is communication. Now she tells me the last 3 years she has felt numb. and she don't have feelings for me. She wants to seperate to see if she wants to be with me anymore. I told her we both put alot in to our child and we need to learn to commuicate better and start putting each other first again, I suggested counceling and she tells me she does not want to. I love her more then anything and I don' t want to split up my family. I was not perfect but I was not awful and I am willing to change. any advice would be great.. thanks

Answer 1

It is hard to think how separation could fix anything. It can only help her move on. You should ask that she reconsider counseling. but if not, don't leave!

Marriage is a choice you make everyday. You have to continue making the choice to stay until she comes around. If she doesn't come around, let her leave. She has made the choice to give up on the marriage not you.

A lot of the other answers are right. You need to date eachother, and you need to spend quality time. Family life sometimes takes away from the love of the couple. Of course she will have more fun with someone else where there is no responsibility involved and he is spending time trying to woo her.

Too many people give up because raising a family is hard work. I hope it works out for you.

Answer 2

I don't know you, but I feel for you. When you have a child involved, it makes things very complicated. I have been married for 12 years, and have felt that sometimes I feel numb with my husband. He just doesn't get me sometimes. In my perfect world, I'm 36, I think if he were to ask me sometimes, just how I am feeling about everything, it would help. It just seems that life is so busy with having a child and working, the relationship just gets thrown aside because it's not the important thing. Till the blank hits the fan... that is. My advice... give your wife a bit of space, if that is what she wants, let her have it. She will respect you for that. You both probably need it, you maybe just don't realize it right now. Talk to her like an adult, don't get mad, don't be condescending. Tell her how much you love her, and that you will do what it takes to have her back. You sound like a good guy..good luck. I hope you both work it out.

Answer 3

Well, you already have the answer.
Your best bet was to see a marriage counselor, but she already said she wasn't interested.
You've got to let her go. I would be a bit angry with her myself if she told me what she told you without mentioning her feelings earlier when things started going badly for her.
You aren't a mind reader, so she should have told you that she wasn't happy long before this. Maybe she did try to tell you, but you weren't listening, or maybe she just changed.
Either way, it sounds like she needs a break.
Now, you can make it hard or less hard.
Let her go do her thing and maybe she'll come back to you, but don't hold your breath. If she's a singer, it's possible she's met someone else, but you would know better than me.
Whatever you do, don't cut her down in front of your Son.
After all, she's still his Mom and you are showing him how to treat women by your treatment of her. Do the next right thing and take care of yourself by seeing an older male counselor or at least finding some male friends to talk with about your feelings on this. Stay away from the drugs & alcohol so you can be clear-headed during these next few months.

Answer 4

If I were you I would get out of this relationship fast and in a smart way. You are heading for some serious painful experiences.

She needs time to grow up and feel life's pain for herself before she can commit to others including your son. I can bet if you do separate you will end up with custody. You made a poor decision having a child with her without being sure she wanted to be in a marriage or a mother. Your wife is pretty much out of your life by now (mentally and physically). Its nothing you did wrong, your chemistry doesn't suit her. You are still young, get out b/c it's going to get a lot worst.

IF you have to stay in for the sake of your son and b/c you don't believe sound advice, give her a year off to date other people and feel the pleasures and pains of being single and on her own. In the meantime do the same and then make a decision. Just make the right decision that will benefit you and your son. You already made a bad one, don't make another.

Answer 5

You sound so nice & understanding. It sounds like she could feel a lot of pressure from having the baby. Since the time frames match. Maybe she still has some kind of post partum depresion going on. It can linger. Every women is different w/ childbirth. I would ask her again about going to the Dr. or Gynocologist. She might be feeling very overwelmed. Try to stay understanding, and if worse comes to worse give her her space a little while, so she can work some things out on her own. Don't panic just be she wants some space. Work out joint care for your child & be there no matter what, pray & keep the faith, I bet it will work out. She's a lucky girl I think she'll realize that. My Best to you & her.

Answer 6

If it comes down to a seperation, let it run it's course. Don't get involved in her so called "New Life" because it will only make things worse. I'm talking from experience here.
My wife and I seperated many years ago and she said she thought she never really loved me but I chased her, called her, sent her flowers and all it did was drive her to be with someone else so I would leave her alone. We ended up divorcing and she moved in with him before the ink was even dry on the papers. Six months later when she heard I had been dating the same girl for quite some time, she came crawling back. That was 13 years ago. Good luck!

Answer 7

Do think she has met someone? Perhaps that is the answer. I hope not because you sound like a good person who loves his family but I can't think of any reason why she would refuse counseling if only for the child's sake.

You might want to enlist he aid of a PI. But then, why? If she wants to be somewhere else you would be better off without her. Your family won't be happy if she doesn't want to with you.

Try to take it one day at a time and remember that the little person is going to need you both, forever! Concentrate on your child just now and remember that you can't get inside her head and you must rely on what she tells you.

Good luck to you and your family!

Answer 8

Odd that her "numbness" started when she became a mother.

Couples tend to get very child centered and sometimes forget to to make time to be a couple.

Start setting aside regular "date" nights if you are not doing that now.

If she will not go to counseling for you, then suggest that she do it to help your child. If you end up separating eventually, then it WILL be hard on your child. You will need to be able to work together for your child as he will be a connection between you both for many years to come. Make it a requirement before you even consider cooperating with a separation.

I suggest that you look into some relationship books.
"Fall in Love, Stay in Love" by Dr. W. Harley is a good overview of his work. Check into their weekend seminar, I've heard really good things about it. Ask her to commit to this weekend for a start. What can it hurt? Then, you can work on the follow up stuff.

http://marriagebuilders.com/

Another that I have known a few people to go to and find helpful:

http://www.retrouvaille.org/

Her resistance makes me wonder about what else is going on with her.

Take care.

Answer 9

That's a heart breaker, especially with a three year old child. You can't make your wife feel what she doesn't, but you can treat her with love and sincerely work to communicate everything that's in your heart. As much as you would like to, you can't make the decision for her. You can only control your side of it. I strongly suggest that you take yourself to counseling, even though she doesn't want to go. Sometimes in a relationship, when one person changes for the better, the other person will also make the effort. Then, sometimes not. All you can do is your best. Get therapy yourself and make the changes for yourself.

Answer 10

The fact that she won't even try counceling speaks volumes. If she wanted to stay together and make it work, then she should be more than willing to do at least that to discover where your differences are and to learn how to repair them. It sounds like she has her mind set on wanting to separate, and if that's the case then there is probably nothing that you can do. But if anyone knows what you can...it's her. I hope everything works out for you.