Why do men do this?

Question

Just curious about something my ex-husband is doing.

Now that it appears he's either remarried or seriously dating, why is he trying to put on a pity parade about lack of visitation with his son. He didn't even ask last year for Christmas. Suddenly his mom gets jealous that my kids and I visited my family (for the first time in five years) and suddenly it's important for my son to go to a state where my ex-husband doesn't even live anymore to see HIS family. He sees them every summer and every Christmas that he asks.

He moved several thousand miles from us and is now complaining because the travel is expensive. He works a 47K job for a couple of years, why should he have a problem with expenses.

Why does he pretend that I want a relationship with him? IS it to make her jealous? Is he a drama queen? Any ideas? I'm sick of dealing with him altogether. I love my son dearly but I'm regretting not having an abortion, so I wouldn't be stuck for eight more years dealing with this A*hole

You guys are all to conservative. I ran out of space to say everything in the first part. Why jump to the conclusion isn't my fault.

Why do I know I has to do with a new girl? He does it each and every time he has a new girl. he wants the girl or his family to pay for an attorney so he doesn't have to pay child support anymore. He had had about a new girl friend or two for each year we have been divorced. It's as regular as clockwork.

No, my ex is an alcoholic drug addict and should never even see my kid without supervision. His whole family is screwed up with mental issues, incest, you name it. Why would I want my son around THAT?

My ex husband now lives 2000 miles away from his parents. Why should my son have to lose OT therapy because THEY not my ex want to see him.....

Yes, for those who actually asked. He was abusive and controlling from the beginning. He went to jail for hitting me when I was pregnant! So why would I want him taking care of my kid!

Oh yes, I forgot to mention. My ex went through great effort to speak to the OT therapist to get my son's treatment canceled because MY SON wanted to continue it over the summer and NOT visit this summer. Why is OK for this guy to keep his kid from getting medical care or treatment of any kind?

Just because I mentioned abortion? You all are STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No, SICKER, you all are worse than a family of alcoholics, drug users, wife-beaters, psychotics that my son is related too. He does not get involved in disputes like this although my ex tried to send an email saying something bad about me to OUR son. The email was fake but why do you all think it is OK?

I only suspect another woman only because he stops paying child support whenever there is a new woman in his life. No, I haven't EVER reconciled, I do not want him.

He could never get full custody without proving to the court he has had DV counseling, drug testing and more as specified in court documents just before the divorce. In 6 years, he done NONE of that. He won't even take medication for the mental handicap he says he has.

OT therapy has to do with his physical ability not mental illness, again I wish some of you would research what I say before jumping to a conclusion. I'm an not the FIRST, LAST or ONLY domestic violence victim to admit disgust at being trapped into a bad relationship by a child. I have discussed this with my therapist but the situation is so crazy I felt the need to rant.....

There is nothing wrong with ranting.......

I've got ZERO areas to rant elsewhese, looks like i'm writing a book instead...

Answer 1

I think I'll make my response one issue at a time here:

1. If his mom is jealous that the grand-kid went to visit your family, your ex-husband's sudden interest in having the kid visit his mother is likely coming from her, not your ex. This seems very likely, because of how you describe your ex-husband's lukewarm interest in seeing his own child.

I am assuming that your son is too young to travel on his own, so his mother needs to put up the traveling expenses for you and your son to travel there. (I am assuming his family does not live in the same state as you, and you're not inclined to shoulder this cost.)

2. Its your ex-husband's own fault that he chose to move thousands of miles away from his son. He put himself in his own situation, no matter how great or how meager his current income situation is. If he continues to bellyache about how far and how much it costs again, tell him he chose to go where he went and if it is such a hardship, move back. Is he starts whining that he can't move back, tell him again that he chose to go where he went. He'll have to save up for the trip.

3. About the new girlfriend/wife situation. Let him say what he wants to her -- that doesn't affect you. If he is pretending that you want a relationship with him, tell her clearly at your first opportunity that you do not. If you don't get an opportunity to talk to her, don't seek one out. Let the new woman deal with the whining.

I can understand that you are annoyed and angry enough to punt this chucklehead off the nearest cliff, but you are going to have to deal with him until your son is old enough to be legally an adult (eighteen). Then your kid can drop him like a hot potato if he chooses to have nothing to do with him. You'll just have to get over the fact that you always will have a connection with him since you had his son. Do not take your frustrations out on your son or tell him what an awful man your ex is. That's harmful to your son. Do not make your son's life a living hell if he wants to talk to his dad on the phone. Just be the best mom you can be and raise a healthy son who is stressed as little as can be by the struggles between you and your ex.

Addendum: After reading the extra details you added while I was writing my response to your first message, I think you are justified at cutting off all visitation and phone calls for the foreseeable future unless legally forced to allow visitation. If he was violent once, he can be violent again and harm your son. If your ex's family truly is as damaged and ravaged by incest, I have no problem that you keep your son out of such a toxic situation. Get your son the therapy that he needs, and if his father truly wants the best for his son, he would not shortchange any therapy that his son needs. Keep all of your documentation on your son's therapy, and the police report(s) after his battery on you while you were pregnant.

It would be more work for you, but keeping all of this documentation together, as well as keeping track of all his shenanigans from then to now and the future will only benefit you and your son should more legal action be necessary.

Answer 2

First of all, MEN don't do that, so you're thinly disguising an unfair stereotyping blanket statement in the form of a question. Secondly, from your lengthy and increasingly hostile explanation of your position, it is clear that while your ex has some serious issues to deal with, I don't think he's alone. You seem to have some unresolved feelings or this "other woman", regardless of the role you would have her play, would be irrelevant. While it may be convenient for you to believe the worst about your ex, it may just be that the increased distance from his family is helping him gain a new perspective and his priorities are changing for the better.
If your primary interest is what's best for your son, you might want to consider dropping the hostility and be more constructive when it comes to any relationship with his father.
As for the abortion crack, why don't you run it by your kid's therapist and see how long it takes to put your kid in foster care. Pull your head out and grow up. Who told you parenting would be easy?

Answer 3

Oh my.
It looks like he's just trying to be difficult and make your life that much harder. It happens.
My parents got divorced and fought about eveyr little thing:
Money, school, visitation, expenses, family, holidays.
Unfortunately, they couldn't settle it on their own and had lawyers do their talking.

Try to talk to her ex-husband about it, calmly.
Lay down some rules:
About visitation mainly.

But to answer your question the best I can:
Was he controlling in the relationship with you and other friends and family? Because he's still the same, whatever he was before.
ALL men are drama queens.

I know that this is a horrible ordeal for you, but just imagine how your son feels.
He only gets to see his father on Christmas whenever his father feels like it.
But don't wish your son away.
I'm on your side for everything but the abortion thought.
I could say so much more, but it's not for what you asked about.

Good luck

Answer 4

remember it for the child well being to see his father I'm sure he's a pain in a** but you did love this man at one time and created a beautiful child and things didn't work out and it not the fault of the child it's both so now you need to make the best out of the worst situation, who care why he wants to be the perfect father now the fact is that he wants to be the father he chose to move that his problem he can always move back if money an issue and yes he should see his other grand parents I think he's try to make communication better between the two of you I know I've been there and done that and I move on with my life with a wonderful man and my son sees his father as often as he can, yes life throws lemon make lemonade

Answer 5

If he's your "ex", why worry about him to the point where it stresses you out & pisses you off? You should be more worried about your own life, your son's life & both your futures regardless of the fact that he doesn't make the effort to see your son anymore. IT'S HIS LOSS. forget him & focus on you & your child. If you spend a lot of time worrying about what he's doing in his life, then you will just make yourself crazy & not to mention STRESSED. Don't blame your kid for all the hate you have on your ex husband. It's not right to say you regret not having an abortion. He's going to find out one day you said that & will think of you as a loser, just like his father.

Answer 6

"I love my son dearly but I'm regretting not having an abortion, so I wouldn't be stuck for eight more years dealing with this A*hole "

That is the most disgusting, selfish thing I've ever heard a woman say about her own child.

Answer 7

let them come visit your son where u live, let your ex come to his son, if what u say about the in laws is true, i would never allow my son to go there to visit. maybe the new girlfriend wants the relationship with the boy, or maybe they are planning to sue for custody of the boy, i would have to think if his interest in the child has been pretty non existent till now it has alot to do with the new woman in his life.

Answer 8

Is it really of a sudden? His interest in his own son... or could it be now that he's with some one your consciously or sub consciously making it harder for him to see his son. If you were totally over him you wouldn't have such strong feeling about him (even negative). You'd be more concerned with moving on with your life. First figure out what's really going on here.

Answer 9

He may becoming more aware of his delinquency in regards to his relationship with his son. In laws-shminlaws. I took your statement about abortion with a grain of salt. I know you love your child so I won't attack you. Sounds to me like you may be due for a nice healthy relationship of your own. Your right, he should have enough money to travel periodically.

Answer 10

First of all it is you childs father and your childs family and they have every right to see his kid...if you regret "not aborting" him so you dont have deal with the poor kids Dad then you have issues not just him....you think he wants to deal with YOU? 47k is PEANUTS what planet do you live on that you think thats alot of money????