Married people who have been cheated on and stayed? HELP!?

Question

How did you or do you do it? How do you stay around and try to put things behind you after the most horrible thing to happen to a relationship has ripped your life apart? I am absoluetly sick about this. I don't know what to do. I can't stand to see his face and the thought of him makes me ill. I don't know if I can. My children are very young, but it still kills me that they have to hear me screaming at their father. How do you cope?

I don't yell at him in front of them. I just hate that they are in the house and I know that they can hear. They are only 20 months and 3 months, but it still hurts me to know that they can hear us.

Answer 1

You keep focusing on what you loved in him when you were first together.
You set guidelines to help both of you cope. Such as: He has to let you know where he is 24/7, and be able to be reached at all times.
You have to let yourself be angry when you are angry and he has to be willing to let you vent...but! You must also ensure that you give of yourself in a kind way too, and give him hope.
The very fact that he is still there, shows that he wants to be there and work this out. It takes a strong character to stick around. Hang on to that fact.
Realize that even though it feels like the death of your marriage, it doesn't have to be. You can work this out, but you have to understand that just because someone makes a terrible, back-stabbing mistake doesn't make them a terrible person. It makes them someone who wishes they would have done differently.
It takes about 6 months to quit being angry at the drop of a hat.
It takes about a year to go through a day and then realize, that you didn't even think about it.
It takes about a year and half to go through most of your days without thinking about it.
It takes about two years to not think about it anymore hardly ever.
Remember that you need to present yourself in the best possible light right now. Yelling at him sometimes is okay, but you must give him hope that you are still the woman that loves him the most and that you are kind-hearted enough to see him through anything and that you don't hate him.
Good luck. It's a painful journey, but makes a marriage stronger. I know that's hard to believe, but it's true if you can get over this first, most difficult part.

Answer 2

I was cheated on in 2 different marriages. I stayed both times because I had small children and was worried about affording childcare until they could go to school full-time. I regret ever staying a SINGLE day after I knew for sure. It has cost be everything I believe in to stay married and I can't look at a new guy without thinking . The most important I lost: self-respect and the ability to trust. Don't waste your time yelling at your husband about it, just get a divorce, counseling and support as soon as you can. Do not think you can cope with this alone, ok? Good luck. Sometimes it is better to be alone than to be married and hurting every day!

Answer 3

It just depends...Is he still cheating? Sex is just sex if that is what it was....That is the easy part to get over it is all the lying that kills me...The thing is this...you can learn to forgive but you will never forget....you could walk away but really what would that solve....you would end up starting all over with someone else where the same potenial is there for them or you to cheat as well, you'll get a whole new set of problems, and your children won't have both of there parents with them all the time to expierance everything together with them...Instead if the marrage for the most part is good and you have fun why not just try to learn from the mistakes cause if both of you have hurt and suffered and you heal each other the chances of you doing this to each other again would be slim cause who would want to put themselves threw that pain again...The most important this is making sure it is really over with the third party that was involved...once that is done every day should get easier....Here check out this website there is a bunch of useful information and you can talk with other people about it...It really helped me alot... http://forums.about.com/n/pfx/forum.aspx?nav=messages&webtag=ab-marriage3

Answer 4

Your first and only concern here should be your children. If you cannot control your temper in front of the kids get yourself away from the situation.

The big question for you on the cheating is do you even want to work through it. It's a 50/50 thing, if he cheated once you never really know if he would do it again. So then you are always wondering. Mine did cheat again 5 years later and I left him. I just couldn't ever find any more forgiveness in heart for him but only you can decide what is right for you.

Answer 5

Hi ---sorry to hear all this. Why did you stay?? No woman deseves a man that cheats--it is more than the "cheating"--the man is disrespectful to you and the other members of your family--and the other woman. ...and her family. That's a lot of people to disappoint. He is a liar--that means NO dignity, integrity or maturity. He got caught?? Well now he is STUPID too. It is something that was seen by others when they were around these two--so you look like a FOOL !! Staying is foolish--what about the diseases that can be brought home??? You can have AIDS right now...did you have a blood test?? Well it doesn't matter--if you have it you are going to die--that makes him a murderer. WOW--why stay?? Should I go on??? IT is a crime--adultery is the crime he committed. It is a sin--but I doubt if God is in your house with him there. The kids just saw dad at his worst--they will remember this and the stress it caused--probably will hate all men in later life. The guy is a creep--a bum--a low life--nothing HE CAN SAY WILL HELP--THE TRUST IS gone. Your home is wrecked-- Put him out and sue his butt. Disinfect your bed or buy a new one. Tell him to sleep with one eye open---otherwise he won't see you coming if you decide to take revenge. in other words--not another nights worth of peaceful sleep for him. I wish you all the luck in the world getting rid of him and restarting your life with your kids. You deserve much better than that bum.

Answer 6

Cope? I remember when it first happened to me and after all the lying, screaming, confessing, I also believed his promises that he'd never do it again. Now, granted, he did it again and again and it took some time for me to finally not save him anymore, I lived in denial and cried when I slipped into total recall mode.

You're right, children shouldn't be in the middle of this. If after working through counseling and some time, it still feels like nothing has changed, then yes, it's an even better idea for you to get away from him.

In the end, you have to decide whether you can live with him, knowing he may do it again or live without him, maybe keep what's left of the sanity marbles.

Good luck.

Answer 7

Well I'm only three months married and neither one of us has cheated (I think) in so short a span. But, I have had to deal with this issue in the context of a monogamous relationship. I think circumstances are important. If he got drunk at his friends bachelor party and a prostitute licked his knob - it is cheating but not the kind of thing to wish the guillotine on him for b/c it meant nothing and he likely doesn't even remember it (if so not fondly I assure you). The same is true, I think, for your girl making out drunkingly with the frat guy you later tried to kill . In any event, it is really difficult to deal with someone who put some effort into bumping uglies with another when they had professed their love to you. I personally am unforgiving about the issue (latin male here). You need to weigh the circumstances with your needs. What's done is done. And I advise to leave it that way. What's done that's gonna be done again gets a hammer to the face (just a metaphor for leaving the loser). Good luck and I'm sorry you are going through this.

Answer 8

First of all, I'm so sorry this happened to you. Second, you guys need to sit down and have a serious talk- no screaming, no arguing, just talking. Find out if it was just once, or if it has happened before. Find out if he is still invested in your relationship. Ask yourself if you are still invested in it. To get past this, you have to tell him exactly how you feel, and then you have to work through it. You will think about his infidelity daily for awhile, but things will get better. I promise. If you truly love eachother, things will improve, but you can't keep dwelling on it. You have to forgive him to move on. In all honesty, a lot of times it is 'just sex'. That is what helped me to get through it- the fact that there was nothing emotional in it. Good luck with this. I hope everything works out for you guys- it sucks to break up when you have little ones in the house.

Answer 9

Why is it so bad? How did you find out? If it was easy then he was doing it to hurt you, knowing you would find ouit. Otherwise it's just sex. Make sure he's clean and aint bringing any creepy crawlys into your bedroom and feel free to get him back at your convenience when the oppurtunnity arises.

What has your sex life been like before the cheating. Were either of you unfulfilled? It takes work to keep a happy sexual relationship. There are always two sides to every story so he cheated? Why do you think he did that?

Answer 10

That's simple......HISTORY is what's keeping you there! (you've put in too much time with this guy). I can just imagine that ill feeling you say you have but baby girl "in order to cure the common cold you have to take cold medicine"! basically you cant just sit there and get all depressed you need to move on quickly before you end up on antidepressants.

i suggest you file for divorce asap and make sure you include in that divorce "infidelity' (get what you can from this man, leave a mark like he has left one one you)! And as for your children you have to be strong stronger than you have ever been, this is the perfect example of when a mother needs to shield her children from harm! i wouldn't even wish this situation on my enemies b\c this type of problem can kill! i wish you all the best of luck and remember time will heal your broken heart and GOD will bless you with a better man even if it takes a few years. Have patience my dear!


PS.
Never stop loving yourself and those two wonderful children of yours and remind them constantly that you love them!