how do i tell him??

Question

it is clear to me that i am so unhappy with my marriage he puts me down all the time tells me how stupid i am he's working at walmart i'm an engineerhe never wants to have sex he is agreesive towards me when he makes me cry he yells at me more and i'm tired of him trying to controlling me and my kids watching me cry every night and see him do this to me, he has been violent before what do i do?

Answer 1

What Madness!!! Sounds like it's time for domestic violence counseling. 1-800-562-6025. You've reached out this far, why not go the extra mile? You know that you don't deserve this. You know that this monster is destroying your family regardless of all his excuses. You know that he wouldn't act this way if he acknowledged his part in this and got help. You already know that you need to do this for yourself and your kids.

We can only try to motivate you on this website but it's all up to you. None of us can go to your home and talk sense to your man. If we did, you would probably defend him anyway because you're too embarrased and afraid to even complain in public. He would tell us how much he loves you, that it's none of our business anyway and that you exaggerate. He makes you feel like nothing because then you will take all the abuse without question. He's got mental problems if he treats you this way.There have been so many women in your position that DV can pretty much tell you what is going to happen before you even know.

First thing you need is a support group and somewhere to go where you and the kids will be safe. Your husband is on his own. This isn't about him, it's about what's best for you and the kids. Then you can make a plan of how to to put you and the kids there while your husband is distracted. Leave a note saying that you will contact him later but don't talk to him until you're ready.

He will try to convince you that you're wrong to take the kids and that you must reassure him by meeting up with him. Even if he cries and curses, don't allow this until the courts have worked out custody and visitation. You will need a restraining order. Don't let the kids talk to their dad either because he will try to tell them that they're being bad or that you are bad for them. You will need a restraining order. Before you get one, you will need to make a police report regarding any violence that has happened.

Prepare yourself for what is to come. It's going to happen so fast, you're not going to be able to catch up with what happened for days. You're going to wonder if this is really neccesary and want to go home even if it is unsafe. You have a job so you can finance yourself but you may have to quit your job because he knows where to look for you.

This man will become the man you thought you married to get you back, then he will use you for a punching bag or he will say how you are to act if you don't want any more trouble. He will remind you that this has all been your fault and he forgives you even when you know better. If you don't cooperate with his plans, he will be furious and grab control over you again.

This change is going to take awhile. Your life is in danger whether you stay or go. The same goes for your kids. Even if you survive, it will not be worth it that you stayed for the kids because they deserve a happy safe environment. They might even say that they hate you for allowing them to suffer this way. They probably hate this man and love him at the same time. They want to see you happy no matter what. Know that you did the right thing and that everything will work out in the long run as you will be a stronger woman with happier kids. Start today!

Answer 2

The one question you must ask yourself, and that is do you still love him after all this has taken place? Do you or are you willing to try and work things out? One final question to ask yourself, are you tired of the abuse? I honestly believe you know what you want to do, it's just how you go about it that may save your sanity. If you are working for a real good company, check and see if they have another division of their company at a total different area then where you presently are located. If so try and get a transfer to that location, don't say anything to your husband "NOTHING". Then go to the kids school and get transfer papers from there for the kids, and carry them with you to your new location. If their not in school that's even better. Wait and save some money, sufficiently enough so that you have adequate funds to relocate. Call, or E-Mail ahead, and see if you can find a satisfactory living area for you and the kids.You can check the classified section of the newspaper on line for finding a home or nice apartment. Don't say anything to the kids, they may not want to but they could accidently blurt out that they are leaving to friends or even to your husband. Next and final thing pack all your belongings that you want to take, and also for the kids, and do this when he is working. That way you can be ready to take off. Lastly, the day that you know ahead that he will be working or away from home for any length of time, pack your remaining things and go. Don't tell him a thing, he doesn't deserve to know where or why you are going. Most importantly he will attempt to stop you from going if you tell him, and he could become physically abusive. The only other thing you can do is petition the courts for a restraining order against him, and stay where you are at.There will be a certain amount of risk involved for you and the kids with that staying. I am not sure he will conform to that order and things could really get out of control for you. I wish you all the best, and think wisely and make a decision. Good Luck.

Answer 3

The first thing you do is be wise. You already know that he is aggressive towards you and is verbally abusive. Do Not tell him that you are going to ;leave him to his face or show any sign that you want out. That might make him turn deadly on you and you do not want that in front of the kids! When he has nothing to lose and you are everything to him, even though he may cut you down, then he may go into a survival mode and become scared that he will lose you or already has lost you. Then at this point he possibly could become violent even to the point of hurting you if you do not tame the beast within him. If you can not convince him that you are going to stay with him and that you love him after he has gotten it in his head that you might leave him then there is no telling whta he could do to you. What you need to do is. Keep it a secret and then plan your move and that is to leave him as soon as you can.You need to have a secret place to go to and stay with the kids that he does not know about. You need to have a friend to help you in this time. You need to let as many people know about what he is doing to you and by placing it on yahoo answers then you can go back and say I wrote this and it is here if you need it later. You need to tell your friend that he can pick the kids up in a public place but you will not be there for a while to drop the kids off. Wait till he finds another women before you come back in contact with him. Make it at least a couple of years before you see this guy, make sure that he is over you for good and then be happy that you are rid of him. Good Luck to you because you will need it! God Bless You also! You can do this!

Answer 4

You need to connect with the local women's shelter or help line in your area. If you are unsafe then your children are to. I work in the social services field and it is a proven statistic that once a man is violent unless they seek help the violence will only escalate!! PLEASE for your safety and that of your children get some support. You have taken the first step and now you need to make a plan. If youv'e decided (and it sounds like you know) that you need to leave the women abuse lines will help ( you can search the internet and they will come up) Otherwise there are a few things you need to do. Get copy's of all your documents, bank accounts, birth certificates, health cards (yours and the childrens), car insurance, the morgage (if you are listed on it) ANY document you can that states who you are and what you own. Put these documents in a safe place (work, home of a friend) MOST importantly do you have someplace to go? Do you have a friend, parent, relative, that knows what you are going through? If so make a plan with them. Make sure they know what is happening, if he is aggressive make up a safe word with your support person so if you or your children call and say the word they call the police.
I know this is all overwhelming and will take some time but please find a way to be safe. Use the people around you and the resources. Make sure you use your computer at work and maybe make a new email that your husband doesnt know about so that you can communicate without him knowing.
This is alot of advice and scary information and only you know what is right for you. Use the supports out there! Be cautious and LOVE yourself, your husband, and your kids enough to be in a safe place. It doesnt mean you dont love him if you leave...it means you are helping yourself and him get the help necessary to survive!

Answer 5

Get a lawyer, and have some divorce papers drawn up. Then proceed to pack you and your children's belongings. Move out while he is at work and leave the divorce papers right in the middle of the coffee table! If he needs to speak with you, he can do so through your lawyer. Your husband sounds like a controlling and manipulative man. You do not owe it to him to stay and tell him you want a divorce face to face. Due to the fact that he has been violent in the past, you might even want to get a restraining order. Leave this jerk! You obviously do not need to stay with him for money. And it is not doing either you or your children any good to be in this situation. I'll bet he doesn't think you are so stupid after you leave his sorry @$$.:)

Answer 6

Sweetie I am so sorry! I have been there with my husband many times. It is so easy for prople to say leave his a** or why are you with him! You know why you are with him he hasn't always been this way you know there is some good in him because if there wasn't you would have already left him. The way I handled my situation I told him off and asked him to leave (he was addicted to pain pills) He would call to talk to our daughter and I would have nothing to say to him. After a week he called and asked me if we could talk and I really didn't want to but I did and I am glad that I did. He has completely changed with the help of rehab. Maybe your husband has another problem that you are not aware of. Hang in there men are so hard to figure out. I hope all goes well. By the way my husband had gotten violent with me also.

Answer 7

First, stop crying in front of him. Don't let him see you emotional ANYMORE. He enjoys bringing you down. don't give him the satisfaction. Now, tell him you are sick and tired of his abusive and demeaning behavior. Next, tell him you are unhappy in the marriage and it is not good for anyone, least of all you and the kids. This man does not love you, the kids or anyone. He is abusing you. Get your stuff and leave him - or make him go. But he is a mean nasty bully and you don't need that garbage in your life anymore. Get some guts and change your life - for the BETTER!

Answer 8

Sounds like your husband's manhood has be stripped away and he's lashing out. That's a sad situation. His behavior is wrong - it's probably out of self-pity. If you loved the man you married, this can be salvaged. If he's always been an ******, then what were you thinking?

Your question is dumb. What you're really doing is seeking validation from a bunch of anonymous people that leaving him is the right decision. I say you do something for your husband that will make him feel a little pride and see what happens....

Answer 9

If you're really asking this question, you know what to do. I would like to say try and work it out, but it sounds like you have tried that and it hasn't worked. It's time to cut your losses and move on. You might want to try and stay together "for the kids" but watching their parents fight and their mother cry will do more damage than divorced parents. If you're an engineer (I am too!), then that probably means you have you stuff together enough to make it on your own. Go for it, you should want yourself to be happy.

Answer 10

Sounds close to my abusive marriage. Just tell him!!! Plan & give yourself a few weeks to prepare if needed. Do you have a friend or parents living close by so you can take supplies there for you & your kids without him knowing. Can you stay with someone for a few weeks or months until you can support you & your kids yourself. You're obviously very samrt & worthwhile & have a good job & I'm sure will be able to stand on your own 2 feet very quickly financially if nothing else. Seek counseling. You need it. Tell him & don't hesitate getting out of there with your kids.