It seems an eternity
Since the sun arise
With waves crashing infinity
Besides the rocky shore
A man sits alone
on the edge
Pondering the ponder
that has plague him in wonder
He held in his hands
a tarnish flower
From a past not long ago
Used to be something complete
But now it lies
a broken heap
How can a flower be of such beauty
so full of light and purity
become such a darkness
encompassing the man’s heart
turning him away from his fairness
into one of sadness
Nothing last forever
In this broken world
No one is spare
of this agonizing truth
This is what the man discover
As he ponder
at the edge of despair.
My practice poem.
2007-07-20 08:17:06 · 7 answers · asked by ruijei613 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
It is a good practice poem, but it needs a lot of revision, which will also be good practice. Few poems remain the same from first draft to final draft; some poems are never really "final" and are subject to revisions for their entire life.
With this in mind, you need to review the words you've chosen and see if they really "fit". Not just the correct word, but the correct "tense" of the word, as in "the sun arise"...the correct phrase would be "the sun arose". Also, "a man beside the rocky shore", not "besides the rocky shore". Again, with "pondering the ponder"...this doesn't make sense...perhaps you meant, "pondering the ponderer"? If so, you need to say exactly what you mean, especially when you're using a verb as a potential noun....then, "that has plague him in wonder"...this is nonsensical. If "plague" is past tense, it would be "plagued", if it's present tense, it should be, "that plagues him". Also, you can't plague someone "in" wonder...you might be able to plague them "with" wonder, although it's an image difficult to see. Then, if a flower is "tarnished" you can't say "tarnish"...which is a verb or a noun, not an adjective. If you want to refer to a time gone a short while before, you wouldn't say "past not long ago", you'd say, "from not long ago in his past" or "a time not long ago". The poem goes on in this manner and needs a full rewrite, but that's part of the learning experience, to analyze your own words and see if they say what you meant in a way that others will understand without being distracted by grammar and your choice of words.
All in all, a good start and a good theme...work on it and it will be even better.
2007-07-26 17:03:03 · answer #1 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Great job for a practice poem! Spelling/grammar isn't 100% correct but oh well! That's no biggie! I liked it!
2007-07-20 09:01:08 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's a bit 'stream of consciousness' for me. Find your theme and stick to it. Structure is not a dirty word.
You have the most important element of a writer, desire! Keep it up, a writer writes.
2007-07-20 10:12:34 · answer #3 · answered by Duncan w ™ ® 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My critique is only of the grammar. It is a little poor, and I think that detracts from the impact of the sentiment. Good luck!
2007-07-20 09:16:28 · answer #4 · answered by marconprograms 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
WOW great poem,Lots of words of despair and you wrote it perfectly..Keep writing your great,.,.
2007-07-20 10:39:46 · answer #5 · answered by Cami lives 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow. The flower.. is a girl, isnt it? well, even if it isnt, for me it is. i really like it.
2007-07-20 08:25:49 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
very nice should go far.
2007-07-20 08:20:51 · answer #7 · answered by r1nut 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋