ok my b/f of 3 years mother just passed away. he is taking it really hard which is understandable...its just when it happend he didnt want me to leave his side and then the past couple of days he dosent want to talk to me or see me, he will see his friends and talk to them but when it comes to me he pushes me aside. i know hes grieving i am too but i would think since i was there for the whole time she was sick and became part of the family he would need me...or at least want to talk to me. we handle gried differently he dosent want to talk about it and i do, but i havent said anything about it or how i feel i just listen to him and comfort him, so am i doing somthing wrong? is this just how he is taking it? i just feel even more alone, me and his mom were close and i cant even be with someone who i love and who loved her too...
2007-07-20 07:07:29 · 18 answers · asked by lovely 3 in Social Science ➔ Psychology
the thing is he tells me how he feels, but then when hes done telling me he gets off the phone. i dont think ive got to say more then 10 words to him
2007-07-20 07:13:16 · update #1
I went through the same thing that you did when my boyfriend's father passed away three years ago. You are absolutely right; he's just working through his grief right now. I think that since you were there with him through her illness and since you were also very close to his mom that being with you right now probably makes the grief intolerable.
My boyfriend leaned on me tremendously when his father was dying, but after he died, he went through this period of 3 or 4 months where he would go out with his friends, not come home all night, and not even call to let me know he was OK. I really empathize with you, because this is a really hard thing for you to deal with. You are also grieving and now you have to worry about your relationship too.
Just know that his behavior is not the result of something you did nor does it mean that he no longer loves you. He's just trying to remove himself from all of the things that bring back painful memories. Just sit him down, have a heart-to-heart, and let him know that you are going to be there for him no matter what, but his behavior is hurting you. If he wants to be with his friends right now, let him. I just went out with my friends when my boyfriend was going through this. I think that when you lose someone close to you, you get really scared that others close to you will leave too, so you inadvertently become distant.
He will get through this; it's just a phase. Stay strong and continue to be there for him. Good luck and I am sorry for both of your loss!
2007-07-20 07:19:35 · answer #1 · answered by Jessica A 4 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Your kind of in the wrong column but, I'll try and answer due to the personal problem you have and, I feel for you.
Don't expect to be "Paid" for being by his side in gratitude with his feelings. Saying this, and this aside, don't feel bad or get mad but, this is how you come across.
He is feeling grief, will for maybe months. I'm dealing with a grand daughter that lost her baby at birth, it's been over a year, she's PG again but is still grieving.
Take it slow, call him in the evening and see how he's doing, ask if he wants company, if no, don't feel bad, leave him alone.
Ask again in a few days, if the same answer, ask some of his friends what's going on?
I can't say he's changed but, that's possible, ask around to the people he's been seeing, if he seems to be pulling away then confront him, he does owe you an explanation but, not for standing by him, for being there as his girl friend.
2007-07-20 14:19:34 · answer #2 · answered by cowboydoc 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe he's scared of losing someone else that he loves, too. So, he pushes you away before that happens.
Or, it could be that he knows you'll still be okay with him if he needs time alone and he's not so sure that other people will understand.
I'm sure you know that this is an extremely difficult time for him. Just make sure that you tell him that you love him and allow him his distance right now. Reassure him that you're there and that you want to be supportive of him. Try to avoid long, drawn out relationship talks because your mind is in overload at a time like this and the outcome might not be what you want.
I think he'll come around in time.
My deepest condolences to both of you.
2007-07-20 14:12:47 · answer #3 · answered by hapetobme 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yeah, I agree...there is likely a connection between you and his mother, and so maybe you are reminding him of his loss in a way.
If I were you I would tell him you feel some distance between you now, but that you understand, and will give him some space and not push him. Maybe in doing so he'll realize what he is doing too.
He has experienced a huge loss and this will change him and his life, and yours, so just let him take what he needs from others who can give him the support he wants and needs, and just be there but give him space.
Sometimes these huge crises are very personal too, and even though you love someone, you need to grieve by yourself, in your own way, and having someone else in that space is just distracting you from the healing which you need to do for yourself and by yourself. So give him that space. It won't last forever.
2007-07-20 14:25:14 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, you're not doing anything wrong. He's just taking it this way. Well, there's various reasons why he may not want you by his side:
- he feels that he may hurt you with words because he's in hard situation.
- he feels that you can't help him, because you don't know him as well as his friends.
- he feels that you can't help him, because you handle these situations very different from him.
- he considers you should be there for difficult situations that don't involve his family.
- he wants you there for the happy moments, not for bad ones like this.
- he's selfish and thinks he's the only one suffering.
These are just blind conclusions cuz I don't know your situation very well, but if you think in times like this you should be closer to the ones you love instead of getting further away (you're like me), and he doesn't, maybe it's a problem.
P.S.: I hope things get better :)
2007-07-20 14:22:58 · answer #5 · answered by francisco_rodd 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is his way of grieving, he might feel overwhelmed and somehow does not have the strenghth to connect to you right now. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, he just needs his time to re-evalute his emotions, give him time. Just let him know that you are there for him and that if he needs you at anytime you will be there. Don't take it personally, grieving affects persons in many different ways, really it just seems that he is not wanting you but he probally needs you more than you think.
Verbally tell him that you are there for him and let him have his space.
2007-07-20 17:54:44 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is hard when two people are hurt by the same thing but deal with it differently. Because it was his mother that passed, I would allow him the time he needs to take care of himself in whatever way he's going to. Then, once he's ready to pull you close again, it will be your turn to lean on him. I hope things start looking up for the both of you very soon.
2007-07-20 14:10:55 · answer #7 · answered by Ashley S 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am sorry to hear that. Maybe he is scared to lose the people that he loves dearly because he just lost his mom. I think you should wrote him a letter telling him that you are there when he is ready to talk and tell him he shouldn't push the people away that care about him the most.Tel him you will be there for him matter what and you love him, I hope everything gets better. I am very sorry.
2007-07-20 14:14:42 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Everyone deals with grief differently... a lot of people can handle talking about their feelings but not hearing any response to them... other people's sympathy makes them feel worse because it makes them "feel" more than they're ready to feel... maybe, just try not to push him, or say anything specifically related... when you talk to him, ask about trivial things, like what he had for breakfast or how school was, etc. While that may intuitively seem 'insensitive' sometimes its what people actually need... to just feel like someone in their world is treating them as "normal".
2007-07-20 14:48:25 · answer #9 · answered by wandering_helper 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is tough. He might be just in such a state that he is kinda just numb. Just give him his space and he will come to you when he is ready to talk about it. I am sure he doesn't mean to hurt you but he just can't think straight right now so just be ready for when he wants to sit down and talk to you about this. Don't say anything about yourself yet and how you feel or you could scare him away because he will think you are being selfish! (even though your not!) But let him have this time to mourn!
2007-07-20 14:18:01 · answer #10 · answered by mrjamfy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋