I feel as though I am dying...to divorce or to stay at 30?....begging for help?

Question

My husband and I seperated in Nov. This was do to my fault. I met someone online. For the past 4 years (married for 6) my husband as no time for me. He works from 8-4 then since he is a head football coach, he goes to practice from 4 until 8/ 9 at nt. We have never fought, because we never talk and we are never together. Then I found someone who actually talked to me (yes, a mistake i kno) my husband and I went to therapy and he vowed to change and to spend time with our 2 children (3 & 5) and me (and i stopped seeing the other man) We took a 2 day trip, just us 2 in Jan. Since then, its back to the same ways..and back to counseling. Im NOT talking about long weekend getaways. I want to go tenting in our back yard, go to a concert go dancing, go fishing. When we would go to the local races, he would ignore me, even though i would beg him to sit with me. When we got marr., I lost all my friends, he didnt like them. Do I get a divorce and find some1 to share my life with? or stay?

Answer 1

It depends on how much u need him.

If u feel Yes, do get on. Else, get off the track and find someone else for U.

But think twice before u act. coz its not a game.

Answer 2

It tough to stay in a relationship where there is nothing between you. I am in this same situation But have nobody esle I can go to. If you are so unhappy in what you have and counseling is not working Don't stay where you are so unhappy if you stay for the children because you don't want them to go through a divorce, Honey it's harder on the kids to stay where MOMMY is hurting they may only be 3 and 5 but they she that Daddy is never Home and that You are Mom and Dad. why stay if He don't care about his children any more then that move on tell him it's over If he wants His Freedom cut the Kite strings and let him go. Before you have been together so long that you can't feel good about walking away. I have been in my marriage for 26 years so unhappy I hate it. But I stayed for the Child now he is 24 and now I am here for the 3 Grandchildren. So I have been to long to go elsewhere. You say it's only been 6 years If he is spending no time with you now just think what it will be in a few years. You spend all the time to raise his kids and get nothing in return you don't say if there is anything in the bedroom or not. But there is something going on for him to not want to come home to you and his babies. I would get some new friend and tell him two can play this game if you don't want a life with me and the children maybe son other man will. Lifes to short to be unhappy in a marriage you say your married But wheres the Husband.

Answer 3

Amy - first of all, calm down. It'll be ok.

Second, you may want to try to find a new therapist; someone who can help you and your husband communicate more. There is more here than meets the eye - as there always is. He's not simply a "jerk" for having a busy lifestyle.

Sometimes people have very high expectations of their mate, expecting them to fulfill all of their needs (emotional, social, intimacy, etc). No one person can do that.

Women can sometimes make their men the center of their universe, only to feel offended or slighted when the man does not do the same in return. We've been led to believe this makes for a "bad" relationship - based upon what we see and read in overly romanticized movies and magazines.

In actuality, your husband having his own outside interests is INCREDIBLY healthy. My suggestion would be to cultivate some outside interests for yourself, too. Take an art class, yoga, find a walking buddy, volunteer at an animal shelter - anything. You need to have a social outlet outside of your marriage. Otherwise you will become incredibly draining on your marriage. And I have a feeling your husband would love seeing you more active and happy - doing things YOU love to do without him having to constantly be by your side.

I'm a bit concerned that you say you "lost all your friends" when you got married because "he didn't like them". Is this really true? Was he that controlling, demanding that you sever your friendships? If so, that's a bad situation which will never change. But if losing your friendships had something to do with you, too (maybe those friends were heavy partiers and you outgrew it, maybe you cancelled plans with them all the time to be with your husband?), then that's different. It's time to "get out there" and make some new friends.

Anyway, summing up: the communication needs to improve, and you need to "get a life" (harsh though it may sound) of your own. Independence and happiness are highly attractive qualities in a mate. If possible, agree to set up a date night with your husband once a month where you two can really connect. And don't wait for him to plan it; some guys just don't have that romeo gene (in fact, most don't!). Many people work long hours and see their spouse for maybe an hour or two a day; it's a fact of modern life. It's how you feel during that time, and how you occupy the rest of your time - hopefully in a way that makes you a well-rounded, interesting person - that matters.

Good luck!

Answer 4

It sounds like the two of you have gone different directions in your lives. Making a marriage work takes both of you. If he is not willing to put in the effort then you are going to keep being miserable. I doubt he's over the fact that you were seeing someone else and this might be a contributing factor to the continued distancing. Keep with the marriage counseling if you want to work through the problems and stay married. Divorce sucks, it's hard all the way around. The catch is, after a year or two you recover and live a much better life than you did in a miserable marriage.

Answer 5

You say this has been the last four out of six years so what is different now? Do you have other things that you do to occupy your time or are you relying on him to make you happy? He must be willing to do something about the situation because he went to counseling. Football season doesn't last all year so what happens when he is not coaching? Are you sure that he is coaching all the time? Do you go with him occasionally to watch him coach? Do you act interested in what he does? If you are doing everything you can to make him feel like you are supportive and interested in his feelings and other aspects of his life (and I say his life because even though you are married you both should have a life of your own to feel fulfilled instead of relying on your spouse for fulfillment) and he is not reciprocating even with the counseling then the marriage may be over. Discuss this with him. Your children don't need to be raised in an environment like this. Do you two get along when you are together at home, like talking, cuddling and playing?

Answer 6

Sounds like you both made mistakes. If your husband is good at other aspects of your marriage and family, then cut him some slack. It sounds like he cut you some slack with your mistake since he is still with you and was willing to go to therapy. Let him know you need more of his time not in a nagging way but firmly and be specific. Your desire to be with him is certainly very reasonable. If you want to spend two nights a week with him, tell him that. I don't like to see people throw away a marriage and hurt children because of a bump in the road. No two people are ever perfect and marriage is partly about working things out when they get tough. If someone is not willing to do that, I don't think they should have been married in the first place. No one is guaranteed limitless happiness in marriage or life itself. You could divorce and go find someone else, but I bet after a while you will find faults in that spouse too. Then what?

I don't mean to sound harsh, you both have suffered. I just don't like to see marriage treated like an old pair of socks that we just toss out and get new ones. My opinion is work on it some more. You can always get a divorce, but if you end it all, its unlikely you can go back and undo that.

Answer 7

Some people may disagree with me here...

But thank your stars that he is not cheating on you, abusing drugs, drinking heavily, hitting you, verbally abusing you, bad to the kids, etc.

Now does that mean you shouldn't be happy, no. But you need to really consider what you'll get if you leave him and venture out. Are you a stay at home mom? If you are, then you've only got a few more years before you won't feel so lonely because you'll be working as well. When you work full time it's hard to find good time, much less when you also coach. Find time to talk, even if your talking times are each night in bed. When he is home, give him time to unwind and have his space and then go to him.

It sounds like you're lonely. Go out when you can and find some friends - maybe other moms with kids?

Answer 8

Wow, been there, done that! I can not imagine my life today if I had stayed with my ex-husband. This situation sounds so similar to what I went through. One day, I decided life is too short to spend being so unhappy and I filed for divorce. I was 27 at the time, my daughter was 4. It was hard for her to understand, being so young. There were even days that I asked myself if I was just being selfish. I have since remarried to a wonderful man who is also a wonderful step-dad. My daughter's life (and mine) is so much better, her environment is so much more positive, and the best thing is, we actually do things as a FAMILY.

Answer 9

Wow, can I say I have been there! The one thing I did feel from you is that perhaps you have given too much of yourself in the relationship and he has given nothing and continues to give nothing. My husband was the same way yours was....his friends and his job were his life. He would go places and go alone and when he did take me, he would ignore me or talk to everyone but me. He was downright rude.

I can't say I understand why he is the way he is, but I do know that you can do something about it. First thing, forgive yourself for the on line thing. Second, go out and find your own life and I'll bet you he comes running. In my case, when I finally did that and he came running back, I realized I didn't want him anymore. We are in the process of divorce.

I didn't hear you talk about love....where does love fit in? Are you in love, or are you there because it is expected?

Bottom line, you are shortchanging yourself. After individual counseling I came to the conclusion that my husband could never love me the way I wanted to be loved and because of it, any effort that I made to reconcile would result in the same ending...me being unhappy. YOU have value. YOU matter. Your feelings MATTER. Find yourself underneath it all and everything will fall into place.

So - recap: 1) forgive yourself. 2) find friends and hobbies 3) consider individual counseling. 4) once you've done all 3, re-evaluate what you want out of life, your marriage and what you want for you.

Keep your chin up and remember, you're worth it!

Answer 10

Only you will truly know whether you can make this work or not. Do not do it for anyone else (including your children). I spent 14 years of my life in a relationship (then we got married) with a man I knew I never really loved. I tried to make myself believe that I could make it work if I really wanted to. Then I had a daughter and I made excuses that I could not break up the family. I went on to have a son and it seemed that this was going to be my life for ever. Then my world was shattered..........my son died at 6weeks and 4 days old from SIDS. He was perfectly healthy and there was no reason for his death. His life and his death taught me that life is precious, fragile and can be terribly short. I seperated from my husband 8 mths after my son died. I live my life now for me and with purpose, no more pretending to make others happy whilst making me miserable. I always said that we should live life for today now I know that we should we do not have tomorrow only what we have right here right now! Have the courage and the strength to be happy. Best wishes x

Answer 11

Oh my, what a question. You need to know what you want and it sounds to me that you have givin it all and want to find someone new. But lets look at everything first,
A new man will always be better at first. Like the affair you had. That guy gave you time, of corse he did as you husband probally did when you were dating. This guy could be worse when you marry him. So remember that the grass is not always greener on the other side.
Your children won't live with there father any more. What will that do to them? Or will they be ok from it? Not saying you should stay for the children either.
Your age, do you want more children? You don't want to stick around till your 50 and then you get a man that would of loved to have a child with you.
Also, you need to look at what your husband is doing with his time? Foot ball coaching? is that more important than his family? If it is then what about all the other time when he not doing that? is there time? if he should be thinking about his family first. Ask him that.
Then if he continues to put others and other things first then I would look at moving on. I know you have made already attempts, but your new attemp and maybe last will be for him to quite what ever is taking up his time.
Goo luck and hope you can work things out or just to move on and say you tryed!