Is it normal for a wife to spend more time talking to her mother than her husband?

Question

My wife spends more time talking to her mother than to me. She also only shares anything that is really important to her or bothering her with her mother. I only find out about those things if I overhear a conversation. I'm actually considered a good listener, at least by my friends at work, and I do try to make an effort to listen when she does happen to talk to me. Is this normal?

For those who asked, I've been married for 18 years, and this has been happening since our wedding day. I understand that there are a lot of subjects that she can only talk about to her mother, which I'm ok with, it's just that she never seems to want to talk to me that much. I've let her know she can talk to me and I'll listen. Once I was telling her about my day at work and how a friend was sharing her problems with me (I didn't share those problems with the wife) and my wife was surprised. She said that she didn't even like telling me those kinds of things. We have been to counciling once before, but she insisted we stop once we got to the point where I was going to quit talking to certain friends and help more on cleaning the house. This issue has also affected other areas of intimacy in our marriage.

Answer 1

Aww, I kind of feel bad for you! I don't have that kind of relationship with my mom, I'd choose my husband first every time when I need to talk. However, there are certain issues that only a mom can understand so sometimes it is necessary to choose her over my hubby. I think your wife may just be very close to her mom and feels she gets good advice from her, but I certainly wouldn't say she's "choosing" her over you. Don't take it personally. Just keep doing what you're doing now (listening when she does talk).

Answer 2

This is not normal for me (with my SO), but it was normal for my mother. My mother was very close with her mother because she was raised only by her and they experienced a great deal of hardships that not many people have. Because they got through so many difficult situations in life together, they were truly best friends and shared a bond far greater than most mother-daughters. I would say that on the norm, this could possibly be an indicator that there are relationship problems if your wife does not feel like she can openly and honestly communicate with you.

On the other hand, perhaps she is talking with her mother not only as a daughter but also as a best friend; does your wife have many close friends? Because if she does not, then all of the time that she would spend talking with those friends may simply all be concentrated on her mother. Perhaps she feels more comfortable speaking with another women regarding certain issues, because when it comes to resolution, its much easier for women to understand one another because they may share a similar perspective on life.

I suggest bringing your concerns to her attention. Make sure that the approach is non-confrontational, and that you tell her that you are always there for her if she has anything she wants to talk about (regardless of whether or not you have already said this in the past, its better to add a positive element into this conversation).

Answer 3

Yes it's normal. Mother's and daughter's have a special bond that no one can understand unless they are one. Women talk more in one day, we use at least twice as many words as men do. You may be a good listener and I don't think she's doing it to keep anything from you. Mother's have an almost uncanny way of understanding you, sometimes, when you don't understand yourself. I don't know how many times I've grossed out my husband if I'm talking about a "feminine" problem, so talk to her if you think you're being left out of the loop, you might find that her mother was the right one to talk to.

Answer 4

Yes husbands and wives fight over this all the time. Men you just have to understand that when a woman gets married she and her mom can become best friends. We finally get that mom does pretty much know everything and they give the best advice b/c they have been there and done that. Your wife loves you but you have to let her talk to her mom. Maybe just explain that you want to know her completely and she doesn't have to tell you everything but you would love to be there for her if she needs to talk. Most women will tell her story to her mom, her friends and her husband if he will listen. We love to talk and if something is bothering us we will tell the same story like 3-4 times before we feel better or until we get the answer we want ;) Good luck

Answer 5

Yes, I have had this problem. It takes time and it will get better. The only concern is, make sure her mother likes you. When my husband and I were first married I talked to my mom a lot more often and depended on her too much. She would love me to be single and still be living at home. I have made sure I do not get involved in those type of conversations with my mom and make sure I protect my marriage always. Therefore, make sure it does not become ugly. I hope your MIL likes you and respects your marriage to her daughter. Goodluck!

Answer 6

No. It is not normal. This might sound like a cheap answer, but the truth is that it sounds like you two could use some marriage counseling. A marriage counselor will provide a safe and objective mediator to help you both identify the source of your problems and to create healthy, constructive solutions. Make an appointment, tell your wife how you feel, and ask her to go. If she won't, then go yourself. If you go yourself, often the other spouse will go afterall, fearing you'll be discussing them behind their back without being able to defend themselves. If she still doesn't go, then you'll still benefit from professonal advise. It will really open your eyes! Good luck!

Answer 7

Normal does not mean it's right or healthy for your marriage. I'll admit I'm coming at this from a Christian perspective. The bible clearly says that you leave your mother and father and cleave (stick to like glue) to your spouse. Unfortunately, your wife still sees her primary role as a daughter or friend to her mother. Her primary role now should be as your wife as yours should be as her husband. If she's up to it, I'd suggest you both go to a Christian marriage seminar like "Weekend to Remember". It's non threatening and it's geared towards building healthy marriages so there's no stigma of 'We have a problem marriage.' I've seen this issue addressed many times in christian marriage classes. In fact, I've taught on it myself.

Answer 8

She should be talking to you about important things, not her mother.

I would sit with her, and with out judgment, or attacking, I would tell her how you felt. If she feels like you are attacking her mom, she'll get defensive.

I applaud a man who wants to be able to talk to his wife. Marriages these days need open and honest communication to work.

Good Luck!

Answer 9

It's not normal, but I know tons of women like that. I'm not sure why they can't cut the apron strings completely. We all have things we need womanly advice about from time to time, but generally speaking, a spouse should be a best friend too and know the important stuff.

Answer 10

No it's not normal. You should sit down and have a talk with her. Let her know that you are there for her and that you feel left out of the important decisions. Hopefully she will listen and start sharing things with you. I wish you the best of luck!