Stay with my recovering addict or be alone?

Question

I've been with this man for 15 years, we have two children (12 and 9). He was an active crack addict for the last 7 years. We've lived apart for the last 5 months. He is now in rehab and is a little over 30-days clean. He really seems as if he is serious about his recovery. My friends keep telling me that he isn't on my "level" and that I don't deserve to be mistreated...but I keep thinking along the lines of "forgive, but don't forget...people can change when they really want to". Then they say "even if he stays sober, he'll hold you back" and I'm thinking "How? As long as he has a job, pays bills, takes care of his children, is a partner to me, and keeps his sobriety, why not give him another chance? I mean, look at the time we have together". Doesn't it seem dumb to stay with an active addict for so long, just to leave him as he is working a program? I am interested in your opinions and would like to request that you include the reasons for your answers?

Answer 1

It's great that he has a second chance for himself to make thing right but, staying with him is a decision you need to make for yourself....His job as a recovering addict is to stay clean first..You can't expect him off the back to assume all the responsiblities like a normal person would...Staying active is hard and a challenge he has to face everyday...There's always a chance for a relaspe and for disappointments...If you want this to work you may need to join a meeting for love ones dealing with recovering addicits to support him through but, in reality he's the one who has to do the work...I commend him for taking that step into seeking help because I know its hard to accept rock bottom but, he did choose his life and family over the drug so there is hope...My best advice is to take it one day at a time...I know this really well as I am the daughter of two addicts....Good Luck***

Answer 2

You forgot one of your options: leave the addict and NOT be alone. Leaving one person does not mean you are alone (at least, not permanently). It means you are free to find someone else that is more appropriate for you. Don't create a dichotomy where one doesn't exist.

Now, if you want to give the guy another chance, that is your business. But remember this: having an addict around is devastating for your children and their development. If he does not stay clean, it can have a terrible impact on the kids you mention, leading to serious psychological problems down the road. So if you really want the guy back, then fine, but make certain he stays clean and sticks to the rehab. You may want to stay separated until he proves he can stand up on his own feet. Keep your options open until you are sure. Whatever you do, make sure you are doing what is best for your children!

Answer 3

Speaking from expierence, I wouldnt move back in with him right now since he is so new to recovery. 30days may seem like a long time to some but to an addict its a very short time. Let him work the program and learn how to live clean and drug free. It will always be a possibility for him to go back to using and sorry to say he may fall off the wagon a few times before it works for good for him. Crack will always be a temptation. If you really love him and have stuck it out this long try a little longer and be supportive of him, just take the money he gives you and you pay the bills. Dont let him do tha. GOOD LUCK

Answer 4

The only thing I can tell you is that there is a good chance he might not stay clean.
The reason I say this is I have known several people including myself that went to rehab, only to not stay clean after getting out. If he stays there for 3 months he stands a better chance I believe. But I think it would be rough on you and the kids to go thru relapse. If you want to stay together I would stay seperated for awhile to see how he will handle himself. I wouldnt want to throw away all those years if he is indeed making himself better. I dont know all the reasons the others think he is so bad for you...is it just because of the addiction thing? You know him better than they do, and you are the one that is in the relationship not them. The choice is all up to you.
Hope everything goes well, it will be awhile before you know for sure.
Good luck.

Answer 5

Yes. I would give him a chance. my bf is a recovering addict too, but he has good reasons. his mom was murdered a few yrs. ago and he suffers from depression. But it wasn't crack, it was heroin. Anyway, he's been clean for about 8 mths.!!!! And he only has to go to rehab to pick up his meds cuz he graduated. So my point is, that if he really loves you and the kids, he will stop.Try to tell him about how much it hurt you to see him on drugs and that if it happened again you don't think it work out. My bf graduated from rehab when my son was born- 2 1/2 mths in the program. And he's still sober. So what I'm trying to say is, it could happen as long as he has a reason that is important enough to him., which you and your kids should be good enough.

Answer 6

You realize what an up-hill battle this is and will be, don't you? Addicts are already in a relationship, it just isn't with you, will never be with you or any other thing or person for very long. These people just aren't available.... It's a personality defect...

AA has a cure rate of less than 20%.... and F in school, and for sure and F in life. You might find out what the cure rate is for crack.... probably not much better.. but it is a ray of hope, tho, isn't it? If you are big into "rays" don't rush into it, and go about your life without him in it for a loooonnnggg time, say a year +. If the guy stays clean, is serious and is in counseling, re-enter gingerly. In the mean time, think about your kids, hon. They don't need that in their environment. If he's serious, you'll find out, and don't rush....
But sweetie, there are just tons of clean guys out there who would love to have a caring, loving lady in their life... you'll find them on all sorts of sites --- Yahoo, Match, etc.

Reasons? My 18 year marriage had me at number 6 when I finally left... after his job (that was fine) script drugs, alcohol, computer porn and finally another lady. I left it all, and found the prince on Yahoo. We have been together into our third year.... The last 5 years of that marriage was a catastrophe.... what a waste. And when I say "left it all" I mean that --- position in the community, $$, travel, nice home, cars, yadaydadyadya...

Answer 7

First are you in recovery also? I am a recovering addict and clean for almost 5 years. I met my husband in recovery. And i also know some recovering crack addicts and are successful in their recovery. Does he have a sponsor and working steps? Just being abstinent from drugs and not working a program we can still act out on old behaviors. Addictive behaviors. Then we need to apply the steps in our lives. Drugs is just a symptom of our disease, WE are the problem. If you aren't in recovery have you thought about going to NARANON or ALANON to help you? Newly in recovery is a hard road. It is gonna take some time. He didn't become as addict overnight and can't be cured overnight. Hang in there. We are a couple in recovery and we have hard times. But, we get through them in time. For myself i can't imagine being with someone that's not recovery. It would be hard. And people not in recovery can't quite understand the program and how it works. And you reaching out is a good thing. Continue to talk with people. But, if we focus on someone else alot there is something about us that we are not wanting to look at. Relationships are hard even in recovery. It's simply living life on life's terms. I was just on here this morning complaining about my husband looking to blame something else for his behavior. And i know that i'm totally powerless what he says, how he acts. I have no control over nothing but my own reactions. I could go on and on about this. I hope that some of this has helped you and life isn't easy with or without drugs. It's the willingness to decide to do something different. When the pain gets great enough we decide to do something different.

Grateful to be a Recovering Addict

Answer 8

I know you have put up with a lot of pain. However, if he had cancer, and was now in remission, would you divorce him?

You probably should not trust him for a while. Have a talk with him in family program or with a counselor, before he leaves rehab. Set down some ground rules, boundaries, regarding his behavior. He should be much more accountable to you for the next 6-12 months. If he is so motivated for recovery, he should be willing to do what you ask, within reasonable limits. If he is not willing to do this, this should be a signal to you that he is not as motivated as he says he is.

Answer 9

Find a hobby, something that "replaces" your addiction. Getting a hobby or getting involved in a sport or activity or even volunteering somewhere, you need to find something that you enjoy that you can focus on. Think of all the time and energy you spent on finding and using your drug of choice and put it towards something productive. However if your friends aren't aware of what you're going through, it could make it harder because you don't have any outside support. AA/NA meetings are a great place to find people who have been where you are and understand what you're feeling. There's that saying, "No one said it would be easy, they just said it'd be worth it", and having been where you are myself, I can tell you it's so true. Stick with it, it'll probably be one of the best choices you'll ever make in your life.

Answer 10

I totally agree with you. The man is making a concerted effort here and if you were to leave him now, when he probably needs you the most, he may just slip into a depression and start using again.

I applaud you for standing by him and being a loving and supportive partner. I agree with what you said, people CAN change if they really want to and from the sounds of it, he really wants to.

Also, forgiveness is a rarity, so it seems in this day and age.