We have had problems for about a year now and seem to be always having arguements.I had an affair which lasted 10 months as he just was ignoring me and my needs(no excuse I know) .I told him so he could walk away from our marrige as the innocent party.It appears that he had also being playing away but with a couple (threesomes) which he confessed to. We decided to try to work things out and put all our cards on the table .I asked him about 2 things that happened 15 years ago...a set of underwear that he bought one christmas in a size 12 (I was a size 20 at the time) which was hidden in his car. He said it was for me but had bought the wrong size and thought it would stretch!! and also a missing condom from a pack of 3 ..this he said belonged to a friend.I did not believe either of these stories. I have spent months trying to sort this out and he has denied everything...last night he admitted it was a druken thing at the end of a couse.
2007-07-20 02:38:53 · 47 answers · asked by Shirley C 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
20 years is a long time to just throw it away.What happened 15 years ago needs to be let go,i know its hard but that was a long time ago.As far as the here and now i think it would be safe to say you 2 do love each other or you wouldnt have been together this long.I would suggest to try and get over some of the betrayal you have both done to each other would either be to forget everything and start fresh or sign up for some couples counceling.
2007-07-20 02:44:31 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Well, you may have tried to work things out, but clearly it is NOT working.
Both of you have dis respected each other by having affairs so there is no real commitment from either of you.
You are both bringing up the past, which is hard not to as you are both hurt by what the other has done!
As for the missing condom, wrong size underwear, etc, there is ALWAYS an excuse and a mate they can rely on to pass the buck!
It is very hard to overcome an affair, the trust has gone and what you thought was a sacred to you as a partnership has been shared with a 3rd party!
as Princess Di said "there where 3 people in our marriage"!
Does that 3rd person ever go?
That hurts so much, it takes a long time to get over, if one ever does!
2007-07-20 02:49:07 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
It seems you've both made some mistakes in your marriage. Worrying about what he did 15 years ago seems counterproductive, it's ancient history. I hate to see a marriage that has lasted 23 years go down the tubes, but, I guess the bottom line is do you still love each other? If either of you has no feeling left for the other that's your answer. Only the two of you know what's in your hearts. If you have feelings left do everything you can to work it out.
2007-07-20 02:48:41 · answer #3 · answered by mjm52 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think anyone can answer if you should get divorced but you. People can work through affairs but after it is hard to trust. If this is going to be a thing that you all have to throw in each others face what they did with every fight it will not work. You didn't really say how you feel about him now. Even after your affair. Did you regret it? Does he want to get serious about the relationship? Do you? Sounds like you both have some things to figure out. Mostly what the two of you want to happen.
2007-07-20 03:03:25 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You didn't mention if there are children involved or whether you loved each other or what kind of a provider he is. All of these are factors in whether you should try to work things out.
The first step in getting back on track however is complete transparency in the relationship. You should both be absolutely honest and open about everything that has happened in the past and just a honest about what you expect from this point forward from each other. If either of you holds back on this then the relationship is doomed.
2007-07-20 02:46:15 · answer #5 · answered by Don 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In my opinion, if you guys decided to forgive eachother, I think that you should have let all that past junk go, you both were wrong, and I think if he had something else, (like the condoms and the underwear) he would have told you at that point, (aren't as bad as the threesome confession) what did he have to lose? nothing, so I think he was telling you the truth, and I think you need to let that stuff go, and work hard on your relationship, don't throw away all that time.
2007-07-20 02:50:29 · answer #6 · answered by ilovelilPhof 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
if you loved each other you wouldn't of cheated on each other. You don't hurt the people you care about. Maybe you need to try counseling first 23 yrs is a long time to give up on, but if you 2 aren't willing to change and work at your marriage and stay faithful you might as well get on with your life. It doesn't matter if your giving him an out or not. You want out don't wait on him go.
2007-07-20 02:49:18 · answer #7 · answered by the_wayward1 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I don't understand. I read that you both had affairs, decided to lay your cards on the table and work it out. Fine.
Why in the world are you dragging up stuff from 15 years ago? Sounds like you are looking for trouble.
Perhaps you WANT to end this marriage. If that's true, you don't any excuse, especially one from ancient history.
If you want to stay in the marriage, dragging up stuff from the past does not seem to be a way to work on the marriage.
2007-07-20 02:46:17 · answer #8 · answered by Bentley 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, i never advocate the end of a relationship or a marriage unless it really is unbearable and this to me sounds as though it falls into this category. Twenty three years is a long time but if you can't be faithful to each other then it could be for the best. You might find its the best thing you ever done.
2007-07-20 04:19:55 · answer #9 · answered by Ellie 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have not been married anywhere near as long as you- but i think if you are bringing up issues from 15 years ago(!) you need to consider the fact that maybe you cant let go of things... could this be one of the reasons your marriage is in trouble?
Try wiping the slate clean and forgiving all past problems, start fresh and try be the best partner you can, if he doesnt try in return then you know you have done all you can!
2007-07-20 02:44:30 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋