I am not sure if I want to stay in my marriage?

Question

I got married when I was 16 and now I am 37 and feel that my marriage has always been a marriage of responsibilty. I would love to move on and try to find true happiness and love but I always get guilt trips about how I am going to ruin my kid's lives. (They are 18 & 21). I feel so frustrated that I can't even enjoy life. Then there is the religious aspect that if I just get my life straightened up (no more smoking and drinking) and fully give my life to God that everything will be ok. I am not confused about what would make me happy and content with life but I am not sure that it is faIr to my family and if I am just being selfish. HELP!

Answer 1

At this age of 37 years you still very young to think some thing like taking a sort of sanyas. Your responsibilities towards your kids although adults still exist till they settle down in life & start their individual families. As far enjoying life with something new what I can make out definitely that is to do with your spouse only then you can go for a small vacations with your spouse to some places of interest & be alone with each other during that time. I don't think you will find happiness in any other relations other then your own spouse as now after such a long marriage its two of you have been together & faithful with each other, thinking any other relationship will not only be breach of trust between you two but you will never feel mentally satisfied by doing any thing like this. Some people indulge in such illicit relationship just for the sake of personal enjoyment but results into trouble for every one related to them, which I suggest to avoid. All marriages are full of responsibilities which we all face & have to fulfill till our end, so thinking that its only you who have been involved in the responsibilities in your marital life is not something new, all do this. As far believing in God is concerned we all believe in it & as told in Bhagwat Gita do our Karma irrespective of the result as it only God who will give the result appropriate for us. I tell this as an elder to you me & my wife both 49 years, married for last 25 years still active in our life both personally as well socially & want to continue till our end comes.

Answer 2

There's often a close mutual living between responsibility & happiness in most relations. Hence when you mention that your marriage has been only of responsibility, it may be concluded that in this responsibility, you find no attachment or like for yourself. It's the easiest of the options available for you to run away from the field & blame your situation or whoever for it, but; then you also take the worst step first.

So why not start living the life in 37 with the same family you have around & just forget that you have spent the past 21 years in it. Think it's a new road in the same car. Think what really makes you frustrated. Is it your duty ? But then to life is duty. In duty is real salvation of ones self. Love to do something new, something your present situation won't go against. Maybe you don't like this option but it certainly doesn't mean you can't discover your passion in it. Why forget that it's never too late to know something.

So bring about a diversity, a new flavour without changing the life's perspective.

It' s easy to run, my friend. But then, you a losing to yourself then. So think !

Best of luck.

Answer 3

I got married at 18 and am now 46. I too went through what you are going through. I was very unhappy, but we had a daughter that was young (around 10) and I did not want to upset her home.

First, your kids are old enough that if you are truly unhappy, it should not ruin their lives. In fact, you do not want to set the example that you do not have the right to be happy, even if it means leaving their father. Everyone has the right to be happy.

Second, what kind of a man is your husband? Divorced women with children are a dime a dozen, but a good man is truly hard to find.

Third, maybe religion will help, but it also may not. I don't see where smoking and a glass of wine is going to make a difference in your marriage, but any kind of alcohol abuse might. If you think that is a problem, start AA.

I suggest counseling or even a trial separation. My husband and I separated for a while, and I realized how much he means to me, and how much I wanted him in my life during that time. I do not know what is best for you, but I feel you should really try to find happiness within your marriage before you try to find it outside your marriage. You don't want to leave your husband only to figure out that was not the problem. Especially if he finds someone new after you are gone. Good luck.

Answer 4

We pretend to live a rented life. As our Life is given by our forefathers, religious masters, teachers or friends etc. I need to lead my life on my own. No one can experience the interaction pattern between me and my world around me. It is not not possibles as there so many parameters which determine how we perceive our world. If this is true then how do you say the teachings of others can work in your observation process. Leave everything behind. Watch your world 'now' and from the perpective of chooiceless awareness. Let nothing mesh up your place. See if you can observe your life. I know it is difficult but it is not impossible. Do not try to concentrate..it may develop a thought of another kind..a conflict like why should I look at it? Instead just let you mind experience a free flow of thoughts. You may witness a certain kind of truth if you 'be aware'.

Answer 5

It is not clear as to what your idea is regarding true happiness and love in your life. If the responsibilities in your married life bother you, it is unfortunate indeed. Before marrying you should have realised that married life is not an endless honeymoon. It means shouldering new responsibilities too, although responsibilities have to be tempered with joy to make a married life meaningful. If your life was loveless, it could have been an excuse for moving on. Apparently you are not complaining about lack of love and affection either from your husband or your kids. It appears that you are plain bored with your marriage. Shouldering endless responsibilities could be one of the reasons for that. Try to spice up your life instead of moving away. As for giving yourself to God, you can do that by staying in your marriage. Kicking smoking and drinking habits would be good for your life. But I can't see any reason for you to leave your family for real happiness elsewhere. Try to find it from within your family.

Answer 6

Life is about laying your life down so that the other people around you are happy.

Trying to find your own happiness outside of your family is selfish in the worst form.....

Yes, you should stop drinking and smoking for health purposes so that you can stay a little while longer.......

Giving everything to God will not make your life happier or smoother......it just lightens the load......It allows Him to have control of your life instead of you fighting against Him.....for He has always been in control........Never you.

God is your Father, Daddy.....and as soon as you see that and build a relationship with Him.....your life will be in the pits and you will not be able to enjoy anything around you......

Answer 7

that is a long time to throw away but no one can answer for you. you did not state that there were any problems other than you being tired of feeling like it is a responsiblility. marriage is a huge responsibility. maybe before choosing you should seek councling. see a dr. and make sure it is not just a hormonal change or depression, see clergy get advice, or counclers. this is a life altering choice for the whole family so don't rush things. divorce is a permenant solution to what could be a temperary problem.

Answer 8

Get a copy of the 5 Love Languages book by Gary Chapman for singles and you will be amazed after reading the book how much you learn about loving others. The greatest thing I can tell you about love is finding someone with whom you have a lot in common with, because if you do not, you will be LONELY. Jesus gave us two commandments and they both were above love but so many people fail to understand what love is all about. His life was a perfect example of what love is truly about. Good Luck

Answer 9

even though you got married at a young age doesn't change the fact that you are married

marriage=a huge commitment.
you know that/understand that.

I am a Christian; and yes i believe that if you had Christ in your life and as the center of your marriage things would begin to look up;
but Christ alone does not do everything for you; you have to work at it...
i would suggest seeing a councelor (Christian; if you are seeking/ or just a regular councelor)
Your marriage can be saved
it just requiers effort;
Are you willing to put in that effort?

Answer 10

This the period where every 40 years middle aged woman suffer . It is nothing but menopause time. Where everything will make you unhappy and you will struggle a lot between children, your husband, and other relative things. The chemical imbalance is main answer to your problem. Better consult a good lady doctor and take medicines and rest . Do some yoga nd relax , I think you will become alright. Yours VRVRAO