Love and Respect
We preach for Peace and Freedom
Unity throughout the land.
When a people do not go our way
We immediately load our guns.
We take a stand
We make demands
You must obey our rules.
Love and Respect works better,
Than threats and commands.
The Government makes the policies
They tell us what to do.
They may run the country
But it is the people who rule.
We take a stand
We make demands
You must obey our rules.
Love and Respect works better,
Than threats and commands.
For us to live in harmony
Just remove the iron bans.
For we have the power
All the people of this land.
Love and Respect works better
Than threats or commands.
2007-07-19 15:48:46 · 13 answers · asked by Sam 4 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Thank you all thus far for your supportive comments.
To Shallabear - This poem goes farther then the issues of peace, but it makes me happy to see that in this piece, Peace is the issue,
Thank you for seeing that.
2007-07-19 16:18:39 · update #1
7-26-2007
I want to thank you all.
This piece was written during the "Clinton Administration" when it was reported to the American people that the you know who's were going Nuclear and the actions that the President took.
I appreciate all your positive opinions and suggestions and hope that you will always continue to give them to me in the future.
Peace and Love,
Sam
2007-07-26 18:42:45 · update #2
That is what inspired me at the time I wrote it.
It now has recrossed my path.
2007-07-26 18:54:57 · update #3
Don't change a thing!It gave me goose bumps!It's thrilling!TL
2007-07-19 15:53:03 · answer #1 · answered by TL 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
There are two things at play here...1) the theme, and 2) the execution.
On the theme, I think it's a little...well, narrow. Sorry, but until you've seen a little more of life it's a bit presumptuous of you to lecture on peace and what works in world politics. I'm sure Hitler would have loved you to publish this piece in 1939. However, it is your perspective, and I have to give you credit for wanting to speak your mind.
On the execution, some of your lines simply don't work. Forget the fact that the very first couple of lines are untrue (if they were true we'd be at war with most of the world right now...which, contrary to some circles of belief, we're not), the phrasing of "we immediately load our guns" comes from out of nowhere.
On the other hand, your repeated refrain of "Love and Respect works better than threats or commands" works on a poetic level, but falls flat on the reality check. It would be nice if things worked that way, but they don't.
All in all this is a "wouldn't-it-be-nice-if" piece... and don't get me wrong, there is nothing intrinsically wrong with such a poem, it's just that when you go out on a limb you need to make sure you take a parachute.
I could tell you everything was great with this poem, but I'd be doing you a disservice. You asked for honest feedback, and I'm trying to provide it. You have a decent command of the language and you've shown you understand form (outside of one or two errors). Polish this by a little editing and I'm sure you'll find an appreciative audience seated on the left. Put it in a box and save it for about 20 years from now, take it out and read it...I guarantee it will bring a smile to your older-but-wiser face and it will have been worth the wait.
meanwhile, keep writing, you have talent in you.
2007-07-24 23:31:14 · answer #2 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am not completely sold on the premise of the piece. I know you mean well though. There are a couple of small changes I would suggest.
1. Where you say just remove the iron bans
it should be bands.
2. Where you say Love and Respect works
it should be work
Good Luck
2007-07-26 22:36:31 · answer #3 · answered by Lady M 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow! Very powerfull message. I can hear your voice. I love the message of peace and respect, but there is one little thing you can change. It wont really make a difference, your poem is so great already...
First stansai: Instead of the land change to our land
Oh and if you read this out loud, I suggest you put emphasis on the following words:
peace
freedom
stand
deemands
our
us
people
we
love
of
just
This is a great poem! Great job!
2007-07-27 11:16:42 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Poems should be about relatable things or objects. The more generalized you become in your poem the less relatable it becomes.
I'm also partial to the feeling that moral poems come off preachy too much. I think a successful moral poem will take the reader on a road of learning and discovery.
2007-07-24 14:16:31 · answer #5 · answered by deleteme 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It reads kind of like a song and I like the repetition, but your rhythm is a little off, for example "We immediately load our guns." kind of falls flat. Aside from the meter issues, it's a wonderful piece. Gold starred.
2007-07-19 23:16:07 · answer #6 · answered by Cinnibuns 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
That poem was pretty good, it really makes the message of peace out. 7 out 0f 10.
2007-07-19 22:57:14 · answer #7 · answered by Sheila ♫ 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
structure is excellent, subject is intriguing, beginning was a little weak, needs work. overall a steady good reading. well done. congrats yourself for being the 2nd person i've laid a compliment to in the many i have written.
2007-07-24 15:34:21 · answer #8 · answered by the critic!! 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Excellent! Expect a knock on the door at any time. We will remember your name and campaign for your release.
2007-07-20 04:00:14 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
did you really write it? it make. s the hair stand up on the back of my neck...... like some of Buffy Sainte-Marie's early stuff. i love it. it takes me back...... thanks for sharing it. i dont mean that i dont think you wrote it, just WOW!
2007-07-24 18:46:49 · answer #10 · answered by deva 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋