Is my marriage falling apart? I feel as though it was all for nothing!?

Question

We have been married almost 7 years. We have survived some major bumps in the road. I feel as if we have a really good connection..but it is so deep down and unatainable. We have spent so much time arguing over who's turn it is to talk and whatever else, the real problem is never even gets talked about. It's all about money, who's talking over who,whos fault is what, who does the most in the marriage and so on. It feels as if everything we say is completely opposite. I want to talk to him so bad and tell him what I feel, but it turns into him telling me why it's my fault and why he is the "victim". He tries to compete with everything I say and it is set in stone that he is right..always. Even through all of this we are crazy about each other and our kids. We def. need therapy but he would never go..and financially it is impossible. If this must be something we have to work at alone...just where do we begin? Please any advice? I feel as if I am about to give up and throw it all away...

Answer 1

Ok. Take a deep breath.

I'll address the obvious first. You have kids. Agree with him to establish a routine of dinner, bath, and bed for the kids. Older ones can have some quiet time in their rooms before bed. Agree to have the house settled by, say, 8:30. Then you can take a nice, hot bath, watch a sitcom and go to bed.

Try to eat nutritious meals. You can research nutrition online. Eat breakfast, lunch and dinner and incorporate a good multi-vitamin in your daily routine. Him too. When you cook, make a double batch, store one for the day after tomorrow, and serve one tonight.

When you sleep make sure the room is dark, and quiet, and at a comfortable temperature.

I get the sense that you and he are tired. Rightly so as working, maintaining the house, and raising kids is Exhausting. So, eat right and get some rest.

You said, "We have spent so much time arguing over who's turn it is to talk..."

You have a computer. Agree with your man that you will communicate via e-mail for the next (you name a timeframe.) No more verbal antagonism. It really isn't good for the kids. When you have conversation it should be, "So, Junior, what did you do in preschool today? ....Mom did you hear that Junior painted a tree today?" Okay? "Hon, I repotted that plant that outgrew it's pot. It came out nice, don't you think?" or "The chicken came out good tonight. I'll do that again next week for sure!"

Positives. Anything deemed "negative" goes in the e-mail. The e-mail doesn't Have to be all negative, it just has to be honest.

You said, "I feel as if we have a really good connection.."......So, this is good. It is there. He knows it too.

One of the things you guys can do is share notepad or word, and start a list of shared responsibilities. Agree you both will create the list. Add a day and time. So, in chronological order, starting with

Monday

6:00 am Dress for work.

6:15 am Throw in a load of whites.

6:30 am, get the kids up, brush teeth, dressed, shoes.

7:00 am Feed the kids something. Anything. Just so I think I fed them breakfast.

7:30 am Drop off at daycare. Kisses good-bye.

8:00 am to 4:00pm Work

Etcetera...Both of you build this schedule. List everything including the day and time it occurs. Start it, days, dates, and times so he sees what it is, put your stuff in, and send it as an attachment in an e-mail.

When you talk to your man and he is out-verbalizing you about why he is the "victim", what you need to hear him say, is "I am tired. I haven't got a way to help you right now." He's vying for the position where he gets to lay around and sleep in and catch up with himself without negative repurcussions. He wants and knows he needs the rest. He sounds very cranky. I would feed him and put him to bed early every night for at least a week. Then see what you've got. Don't forget his vitamin.

Everything is settled in the house by 8:30. He takes a shower and crashes and you go get on the computer and work on the project.

Once you have your basic weekly schedule you can choose the tasks you feel are reasonable for your workload. Say, Tues and Thurs you always feel good after work. Pick those days to cook the dinner. If Wednesday wears you out, don't volunteer to cook dinner that day. Do this after you and he agree that your schedule is complete.

Don't put your name next to tasks you feel contribute to being overwhelmed. If you really would like for him to be the one to dress and feed the kids at 6:30 in the morning, then leave that task blank. Or only pick Tuesdays and Thursdays. Whatever you can cope with. He should do the same.

Realistically assign every child something. If they can do more than one thing, let them do it.

Leave the blank spots open.

These are your points of contention.

For example:

Dinner on Saturday nights is overwhelming. Neither you or he chose it.
So, make a plan to order in on Saturday nights.

Mowing the lawn is still on there.
You don't want it and neither does he.
Hire the kid next door.

Only 6 loads of laundry got chosen. 3 more to go, each of you take one. Let something slide on a rotating basis.

Once you have a schedule, you need to make a list of financial obligations. Start with rent. Put the amount and date it is due next to it. Put any balance owed in the third column. Both of you compile this. List: kids shoes $40.00 July 10 $)0.00 owed Electric, phone, groceries, insurance, etc., etc., etc.

via the e-mail agree each Friday what will be paid. Monitor your lowest balances. Consider when you could get those paid off.

Add a line for Vacation. $?.?? July 08 250.00saved.

You are a lucky woman. You said, "Even through all of this we are crazy about each other and our kids." He is a lucky man.

Long term relationships ebb and flow. You are at a low point. Once you establish the routine and are sharing and delegating chores, you'll have wonderful things to talk about.

I apologize for the length of this. I hope it helps. God bless you and yours.

Answer 2

If you have close friends, another couple that you are close to, then possibly the husband in that couple could talk to yours. Men will often listen more to other men than to the wife. The wife talks so much anyway, it's hard to keep track of what she says, even if she has good wisdom. You both need to stop worrying so much about being right and start working at being friends again. A married couple is a very close friendship, more than anything else. It's also a team thing. You don't get down on your teammates in basketball, football, baseball, etc. because they are all you have. The two of you need to remember that. Also, ask God to help you. Reconciliation is what God does best. I don't have the time or the space to tell you of all the marriages that have been saved when worldly people became Christians and learned to love each other more. Anyway, I wish you all the best. Don't give up. Divorce will just make a bigger mess than the one you have.

Answer 3

Don't throw it all away. Not yet atleast. First, I would get some counseling. Even though you have probably heard that before...Counseling really helps. Some insurances cover it. It really helps when somone is monitoring the arguments and keeping everything structured rather than you two doing it alone. A marriage needs support in all areas and counseling is one that can help. I also recommend writing down what you both want from each other and showing it. That may sound corny...and he may not look at it in front of your face. But, trust me he will take a look at what you need and want especially if you all have been through a lot together. I believe that this will be a wonderful marriage in the long run...continue to work at it!

Answer 4

Don't do anything rash. You two definitely need some counseling, and if you can't pay, there should be some county services that will give it to you for free, or nominal costs. If not, your religious Father/Pastor/Rabbi can sometimes be a trusted third party to talk to. And if that doesn't work, is there a trusted third friend or family member both of you would trust.

My last marriage was similar in that we spent a lot of time arguing. The real disagreements were seldom addressed. We should have split years before we did. But like you, we loved each other. We just couldn't live with each other.

Good luck to you.

Answer 5

Hi Amy,

Don't throw in the towel just yet, this sounds like my marriage some years ago. We sometimes never go to the point because things got in the way. Sometimes when emotions are involved it is hard to get to the root of the problem. One thing that needs to stop happening is the blaming, it needs to stop no matter who is doing it. You both are supposed to be a team, you and him aganist the world. If he won't go to counciling then try going to a chaplin or paster or who ever coensides with your particular faith. You will find that they have a lot of good insight when it comes to relationships. If he won't try that then go seek guidance on your own. If you do this and the marrige breaks up anyway you will truely be able to say I gave it my all and can walk away feeling good about yourself.
One of the things that I learned in counciling class is you need to set aside some time to have these dicussions. it's almost like calling a business meeting. Tell him, hey I would like to talk to you about xyz... when will be a good time for you?
When you do get that meeting talk in terms of speaking not for yourself but in terms of a team, use words like we or us. Things such as, what can "WE" do to make this better. Our marrige is important .... our problems can be resolved. Never seem like you are trying to blame each other for anything remember the whole purpose is to solve the problems togeather. Don't use words that hurt it will get you no where. If any one of you says something negative, say to the other person " I think I can hear that better if you say it this way." If things start to get heated, break off the meeting by saying hey, we are getting angry with each other and this may take some time to resolve let's re-address this at another time. Then agree on another meeting place and time. It doesn't have to be at home you can have a meeting any where. Remember anyone can iniate the conversation it dosen't matter who starts it or how may times they started it. The goal is to save the marrige.

Answer 6

It doesnt sound like you should or even really want to throw it all away. Everyone fights, and there are LOTS of people that think they are always right.
If you cant afford to se a therapist then sit him down and talk to him calmly, letting him know how you feel. Make it a rule that there can be no yelling, you just feel like you are getting run over.
Hopefully it is just a rough patch and will soon be over.
Maybe it is the infamous "7 year itch"
Sorry couldnt be much help. I hope it works out for the both of you!

Answer 7

Do not give up on your marriage, you still love him and he loves you and think about your children. Maybe, since you can't afford marriage counseling try talking to a priest. I am having a similiar problem with my husband the difference is I am not in love with him anymore. I care for him but that is basically it. We also have children together but he recently abandoned me with my children and that turned me off. I would accept his apology if he did it once but this is the 5th time and now I had enough. I have a court date next week and maybe from there I will see what happens. You need to be able to communicate with your husband and I know that it is hard but you two have potential because the love is still there. Good Luck to you!!!

Answer 8

I feel for you. I am going through some of the same crap. first of all, Men don't act like women do. They are less emotional and don't talk as much so don't try to force things out of him. He is probably too proud or unconfortable about talking things out in front of a stranger so don't push the counseling. You should tell him how you feel but don't expect him to communicate like you do. Dont worry, he is listening. Second, look at yourself. Is anything he is saying true? even in the least bit? be honest. Finances are he number one cause of divorce and it puts tons of pressure on a marriage. That is my problem too. Who handles the money? Who would be better at doing it? I handle it and I suck at it. I need to hand it all back to him. I love to shop and spend but I need to realize what is more important. Things or peace of mind. With financial peace of mind comes peace in marriage. it is a start. Think of your children. Would they want you to throw it all away? Do it for them and if it still does not work out, at least wait until they are old enough and strong enough to deal with a divorce. good luck.

Answer 9

I was married to someone who when ever I brought something up or talked about my feelings everything would get turned to me. I found out this person was cheating on me. I hope that is not the case with your marriage but a lot sounds familiar with everything you said. Maybe you should have him watched like the show cheaters does or leave with the kids and explain to him why you need to be able to express yourself freely with him. Your marriage partner should not always turn everything on you and make himself the victim. Any way God Bless and good luck keep your head up Love yourself.

Answer 10

Many churches offer free marriage counseling, and don't require that you be of the same religion. They simply want to make marriages work. They would be fine with you going by yourself. Even if your husband won't go, it may be helpful for you. I hope you're able to work everything out, and I really hope your husband will eventually go to marriage counseling with you. It's worth the effort to save the marriage and hold the family together. Take care:)

Answer 11

I really wish you guys could go to therapy. But one thing that may be helpful... my ex husband was terribly defensive and this often prevented any desire I had to just "talk" it out.
But then I realized that the more defensive he was, the more I went on the attack, and then the more defensive he was, etc etc. I'd like to say that it was all his fault and he was defensive FIRST, but the truth is... who knows and who cares... I'm sure you both have communication problems...
All you can do is look at how you are preventing good communication and change THAT. You can't change his poor communication skills.... only he can do that. So one of you has got to quit being "one up" and just look at yourself and make changes in you.