How do you deal with the stress?

Question

In March I moved to a new state. I'm have no one here but my husband and my children. He is in the Army, so we must go where they send us. We have had problems in the past over his daughter and his ex-wife. We also have had problems in the past caused by him hiding things, lieing to me, and sneaking around behind my back. He has not ever cheated on me that I know of and swears he hasn't. The problem is... he is still lieing to me about stupid **** and lies to me about little things. To make matters worse, his daughter is living with us while her mother is in Iraq. her mother has "brain washed" her into believing that my husband does not love her because of me and my children. His daughter believes this even though she lives here. She doesn't listen to me or my older children when we try to help her at sports or school studies. She things $$ is love and we don't have it to spend like her mother does. I almost left my husband a week ago because of all of this. HELP

Answer 1

Until the Mother of his other child comes back, the stress will be there with her, but your husband needs to learn that lying to you isn't the best if he expects trust. My ex lied to me also about such petty things, but this in return makes you not believe anything they have to say. I would not want to be in your shoes at all. I can tell you I turned to God for my support or otherwise I would not have been able to deal with it. I know not everyone deals with stress in the same way, so find something no matter how small it may be that helps take your mind off of the problems, even if just for a while. I wish I had some magic words to help, but I don't. I did leave my husband because of abuse and lies. We had no children together and even though I loved him, the stress was making me sick. Good Luck

Answer 2

I am so sorry to hear this. It must make for one stressful environment!

I am not a military wife nor, have I ever been! However, I do know what it is like to have an absent husband and to cope with all life throws us, alone!

I do applaud your willingness to try with your step-daughter. Some women would have walked away! You have not! That says a lot about your character and caring. It is hard to "win over" a child that has been "convinced" that he/she is not as loved as others. That is something I think your husband is going to have to address as you tried and she did not accept your outstretched hand. It is NOT your fault!

As for the lies...my, I hate to say this but, if he lies about the little things....you can bet he lies about the BIG things! I have found this to be true in my marriage, others, my business dealings and extended family members too. They lie when the truth would be more believable! I understand that and I understand your situation!

I do NOT advocate divorcement. However, there are some cases when it is truly the last resort! If I were you, the lies would have to end as they destroy trust and build unhealthy walls in a relationship! You might remind him that when you two became man and wife, that made you ONE! To lie to you is to separate himself from you, in areas, as well! That cannot feel good...at least it didn't with me.

Help? I would sincerely say, get these issues out and into the open. If he can't stop with the lies, then you must ask yourself if you can live without trust in him. It's a tough thing to do but, you sound like you are at the "end of your rope."

As for as his daughter from his previous marriage, all you can do is love her, be fair with her and honest. Once you have done these things and she does not accept them...it is out of your hands! Again, your husband needs to address this as it is really an issue between him and her.

I hope I've helped a bit. I do feel your frustration and trust me when I say, been there!

Best wishes to you and YOUR happiness!

Answer 3

as for your husband if there is no trust then I'm not sure how much longer your relationship will last or should last for that matter but try to talk with him without letting any fighting go on if you have to do it over dinner somewhere. The step daughter is probably going to be a problem for a long time hopefully it will get better but for now i posted a sight that will hopefully help you out or at least understand her a little better. but if her mom already has her thinking the way she is it is going to take a lot of work.

Good luck and I wish you the best!!

http://www.saga.co.uk/magazine/relationships/family/10TipsForNewStepParents.asp

Answer 4

I can't believe you are taking care of someones daughter and she doesn't even have the decency to tell her daughter to listen to you. It makes you want to drop that kid off somewhere, like a grandparent, and not pick her up. You should call the girls mother, and tell her that you will no longer take care of her kids.
What an *** hole your husband is to do this to you. You need to tell him that you will not take care of his ex's problems. She should have been long gone out of the picture. This is not your child.

Well the only thing you can do, is tell it to that kid. If you don't listen to me, thats it, you are on the street, on your own. You need to make your own brainwashing, your own little secrete with that kid and tell them that you are the boss when she is there. Do counceling, throw the kid out whatever.

I feel for you. Love will make you do crazy things you never would have imagined.

I agree with the other two people who answered with me to. Counceling, also tell the girls mother to send money. That kid needs a reality check.

Good Luck

Answer 5

Ok the one thing I see is his daughter went from only child to low man on the totem pole (you need to find some common happy ground before you and your children guide her, even if they are older and wiser) Family blending is always tough. I'm a second wife (first died at 42 leaving behind 5 kids) we didn't always see eye to eye, but sometimes you have to try to listen to the other side before speaking. I understand wanting to leave (been there too) but hang in there and try to get one on one, and see it from her side, in time you might see her differently, but it takes a lot of patience and time ... there's no quick fix for building a relationship.

as for your issues with hubby lying and sneaking well that you have to decide for yourself if it's worth the trouble ... seems it's what he does and that may not change.

Answer 6

I was in a similiar situation although it was our daughter who was causing the conflict. #1 problem was is she is daddy's girl and I too like you was gonna leave but instead I stuck it out, oh yes she too was living with us so my husband bought me a house to call my own. I went to counseling and I have to admit the couselor was on her side so I worked thru it on my own getting involved in other things and my # 1 favorite stress reliever is listening to my native american music.

Answer 7

Oh so you're one of those women. When the going gets tough, you start walking out. Yeah, and you say he's a bad husband. At least he's not left you. Get the whole family into counseling, the army will pay for it.

Answer 8

girl i thought i was stressing but i know you are having a harder time. well you just have to let her figure it out herself b/c if she's not listening theres nothing to do about it. just show her that what her mother said isnt true dont tell her just show it. and she will get it. and just b/c she thinks money is everything dont give her what she asks for let her earn it. and you dont have to leave your husband for this its not worth it so just try to not stress

Answer 9

PLEASE, family counseling before your life spirals out of control. Importantly HE needs help with his lying. If you two are not able to work together with honesty, none of the children stand a chance!

Answer 10

His daughter has got to go. She is a wedge that your marriage doesn't need.