Wife wants to be friends with benefits...???

Question

So today, yesterday, last week and pretty much every day lately in the last month, my wife has been dropping hints that she wants out...there's nothing wrong with our relationship...really there's not...the problem is that she doesn't want to go with me to my next duty station...oh...btw...im in the navy...any way...she wants to stay here where her family is and where she has a job and our 2 girls have school...i don't understand what's wrong...she married me not her family...maybe I'm just not seeing the big flick here...i just figured that after 9 years of service she would understand that i would have to go back to sea some time...i dunno...she even told me today that we should be friends with benefits...that to me means divorce and that she knows of someone she wants to shack up with...is that true? I'm kinda lost here...i treat her like a queen, maybe that was the problem...i dunno...I'm just plain confused...HELP!

TYVM...

Answer 1

I hate to tell you, but it's best it happened now than another year or so when she's got ahold of your retirement. My dad is going through something similar and it breaks my heart to see this happen to him...but she was a total ***** and a goldigger. I tried to warn him, but love is blind I guess.

Now that it's getting down to the wire, your wife sees the inevitable and is panicking about having to leave mommy & daddy. Now that it's time to decide to move, she drops this bomb on you. She wants out. She doesn't want to be a grown-up and leave the nest. Even though you're married, she still lives in close proximity of her parents. She probably had no intention of ever moving very far from them.

I was a momma's girl and my husband made me realize that I can't have a life/marriage if my world revolves around my parents. I didn't want to grow up and I didn't think I was ready; but I love my husband and I want to be there to experience my own life instead of living life FOR my parents.

Your *wife* doesn't want a life of her own, she still wants the security blanket of home. She likes the benefits of being married (dual income, security, sex, a place away from the parents) but she doesn't like being tied to someone. You say she's been dropping hints recently, but has this been going on for longer than that? How many happy moments can you count? Are they so few that you can remember each one?

It may hurt, but this is probably a good sign that it's time to move on. What she said was hurtful and callow. I can't imagine what this "friends w/ benefits" effect would have on your kids. She's probably so selfish she didn't even think about them. She sounds too immature to even be a mother. Who knows what damage has already been done to your kids by seeing her behavior.

You married a child who doesn't want to grow old with you. You need to get out while you still have your sanity and youth. You deserve happiness and someone who will be with you through thick & thin.

I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 2

Dude, I feel for you. You need to get her alone where the two of you can sit down and talk this over. I'm a little confused about whether you are going to be stationed inland or you are going back to sea. If you are going out to sea for some lengthy period I can understand why she would rather stay home and keep the kids in their school where she is in her safe zone, but if you are going to be inland where you can be together as a family than she needs to start packing. After all, she is a military wife. You may be driving yourself nuts wondering if she wants a divorce because I think if she had was planning to actually divorce you she would tell you so. Don't take her comment so serious about friends with benefits though, she probably just said that off the wall because she probably feels that way sometimes when you are forced to be apart due to your military committment.
You said there is nothing wrong with your relationship so it probably isn't as bad as your mind is assuming it is and you really aren't gonna know for sure until you get some straight answers from her. Take her to dinner alone without the kids and on the drive home while you are in the car and she can't avoid the questions...just ask. Good luck military man and thank you for protecting our country!

Answer 3

Sorry dude but your wife sounds very immature. She should be with her husband. It sounds like she has some wild friends that are telling her to party and she feels guilty about it knowing you are in the military and that she's married.
Friends with benefits is basically f**k buddies. When you are there, you are the lover, when you are gone, she is free to do whatever.

1st. Its not your fault. If you treat her like a queen and she cant appreciate it, another woman will.
2nd. Try to find out where she is getting these dumb ideas from. I bet its from a friend who is doing the same thing.
3rd Decide if you want a divorce. If you go for the friends with benefits, you are going to get hurt. If you say no way, she's going to do it anyway, becuase the thought is already in her mind.
If you say ok and start bring some hot babes by the house, she may wake up and change her mind. Often people want to do what they want, but dont want you to do the same thing they were planning on doing.

Anyway, be safe sailor. Good luck

Answer 4

I think it sounds like after 9 years of moving around from here to there that she is tired of it. However that does not make an excuse. I think you need to talk to her and let her know how you feel and tell her exactly what you said that you did not marry her family and that you would think that after the years you have been in the navy she should be use to this. And let her know that "friends with benefits" is not acceptable and that if she wants that I would suggest first trying some counseling if you are able to do that before you have to ship out. But if she won't go to counseling I am sorry but I would have to say that your probably at a dead end. I am sorry your going through all of this during a time where you have to be concerned with your next deployment. In case she is not proud know that at least some of us are proud to have you be in the navy! God Bless

Answer 5

I assume when she married you that you were in the Navy? She really should have known what she was getting herself into. The thing is, being a military wife is very hard. (My Mom was one) and it seems like there are marriages all around you falling apart when you are in a military family.

It seems to me like she doesn't want to leave the life that she knows to start a new one with you at your next location and when you have time and are around, she will take you to the bedroom.

It's very wrong of her to do this to you and quite honestly, I don't feel a damn bit sorry for her!! If she is not willing to go with you (which is what marriage is all about) then let her stay there. Move on and start your new life. There is someone out there for you who will enjoy traveling the world with you and going new places.

I am really sorry that you are going through this, but I've seen it for years.

Answer 6

Sadly, you didn't marry a very good woman. You are dead on... she is married to you, not to your family. Its interesting cuz I am sure she enjoys the benefits of being married to you, but not the consequences of being with a man in the military.

And the worst part is that if she leaves, you become a visitor to your daughters.... that sucks.

I would suggest you speak to your base commander about this. He may have some suggestions about how to deal with a reluctant to move spouse as he's probably seen and heard all the possible compliants in his years of service. Certainly they have on-base counseling for just such an issue...?

Answer 7

Oh honey this is awful ... You guys really need to sit and talk this out one way or the other. Ask her exactly why she won't come with you and tell her how you feel about the whole thing. I did notice that not once in your post did you mention that you still love her and want to be with her ... If you do still love her, then tell her how alone you'd feel without her. Maybe she's afraid of leaving her family if she's in any way unhappy with you. And trust me, she could be and if you aren't watching for the signs you'd miss it. So find out what's up with her and go from there.

Answer 8

Wow so sorry-Thank you for your service to our country 1st..
I would be very angry if my wife would have done that as well.
she married you to have a family and to be her husbands wife. Glad you treat her good for we all should. How long are you going to be gone--did she know this before you married? if she did which if your a careerer there is no reason why she would not go. I know its tuff but i think you need to just visit with her put it out there on the line to her tell her how you feel,it wouldnt be any where near fair to have to move alone and lose even more time with you 2 daughters. she just maybe going thru ruff time with this take it easy but u need to address this asap!!! gl

Answer 9

Wow, sounds like a tough thing. But not just for you, for her too. You seem to expect her to pick up her entire life, not just hers, but your childrens too. That is not easy on anyone. And your right she didn't marry her family, she is blood with her family, you can't expect her to just pretend they dont mean anything to her. Not that she should do that to you either.

Sounds like you two need to talk alot, maybe a therapist? Good Luck, and by the way....
Thank you for being a part of the Navy!!!

Answer 10

I guess you have to decided what it is you want to do. See I have the same problem, only its my husband wanting to be friends with benefits, we have been married 11 years and also have two girls. So I totally understand your dismay. Yes to me it sounds alot like divorce. Good Luck.