why do i love my abuser?

Question

my husband and i have been married only a little over a year. dated for olny 6 weeks before marriage. shortly after, he started verbaly abusing me then physically abusing me. to the point that i was scared for my life. i have left him several times, but i always let him back in my life.i still love him, think about him 24/7, even dream of him. we've only been split this time a month. my question is how can i love someone who is very mean and coldhearted. he is very good-looking by the way. and i'm not bad looking myself. he is 13 years older than me. how do i get over this and move on without hurting too much? those of you who might judge me or put me down, don't. you wouldn't understand so don't respond.

Answer 1

It is not uncommon to love and even protect an abuser, the reasons are quite involved, as is anything that deals with emotions. I don't know that you can move on without hurting, but in the long run you will hurt a lot less emotionally and physically if you do. It is hard to do though.

Please check out these resources and also any local ones that may be of help.

You must takecare of yourself and get out of this situation, especially since it is still early. I would never put you down because ending the abuse situation is very hard, but you can do it and there are resources to help you.

You will recover and find a good and loving man you deserve, but I know that seems distant at the moment.

No one should be abused! The nationa labuse hotline is 800-799-SAFE

I hope this info helps you!

Answer 2

You are not alone! Many woman go through this same thing and I'm a survivor of an abusive relationship. You are suffering from low self esteem. The abuser will slowly start to take control over everything you do and that's the breaking down process. He will pull you away from family and friends making you dependent on him. All you will have is him. He will make you feel stupid and inadequate in every way.

You love him because you're holding on to the little bit of good you seen in him before the abuse all started. You believe him every time he says he's sorry and it will never happen again. The tears from him look so real and he seems sincere. The thing about it its, he is. He actually believes his self when he says it. He doesn't realize that he has a problem. A very serious and dangerous problem.

The best thing you can do is stay away from him and don't go back. He will not stop until he kills you either on purpose or accidentally. He needs help and you can't change him. It's not love; it's control and that's what it's about.

You need to get in some kind of counseling. You have some low self esteem and other issues that will need to be addressed as a result of this ordeal you have experienced. It's too common to get in an abusive relationship again once you have been in the first one. Make sure you seek help.

I was with him for 3 years and it took a long time for me to see that I was not the problem like he tried to make me believe. You will get the strength from some where to walk away and not be afraid anymore.

Answer 3

I understand totally. My first husband I married after 6 months of dating, the first few months were the best, then the physical abuse started. After our 2 year anniversary, he beat me so badly i couldnt breath with out every bone in my body hurting, the next time, he was kind enough to cut my throat, the doctor said he missed the main artery but 1 more milimeter and I would have been dead. that night after i got my stitches and went home i made a plan, i started saving money, working extra hours, I wanted out. I knew i had no help from anyone, so i had to do it on my own. It took me 3 years and many more beatings to get out. The only thing that kept me going was that i knew once i got away i would be okay. The night I walked out that door, I did not look back, as there was no love, only fear. At this point in your life, you are afraid of not loving him, afraid of not being with him, afraid of everything. You have a low self esteem and very low self confidence, he can easily manipulate you. My biggest advice to you is seek counseling. Repair your mind, do not go back. Do not let him talk you into this again, next time you might leave in a body bag.
Change is scarey, but I will promise you that once you end the cycle of abuse you are going to see that you dont love him, you love the idea of him. If you have any questions please email me, i have done this, i do understand, i also know the fear that you walk with in your heart and head. You dont have to be this way, there is a man out there somewhere who is going to really love you.
Good luck, and again, if you just need to talk email me.

Answer 4

I was in a similar relationship for 8 years and could not see myself outside of it. I finally got out. Get away from him. You need to find some self-esteem. These kind of men are insecure with themselves and like to beat you down until they have you scared and believing you can't find anyone better. So then there is no risk of you leaving. Once you are on your own for a while I bet you will not go back to him because you are worth some much more than that! You will hurt because you love him but someone that loves you does not hurt you. The only way you get through this is with time.

Answer 5

I stayed in an abusive relationship for a year until enough was enough. The guy I was with only hit me when he was drinking so I thought if I could get him to quit drinking then he wouldn't hit me. Eventually the abuse got worse and he began hitting me when he was sober. I was scared to leave and scared to say. I loved this man, or so I thought. My friends and family lost respect for me. They couldn't understand why I would stay with someone that treated me so bad. All I could ever say was, but I love him and he didn't mean it. He always said he was sorry! Yeah Right! Finally I decided enough was enough. I was so tired of getting the crap beat out of me. I finally left and never looked back. I began realizing that I didn't love myself so how could I have ever loved him. I think I felt so bad about myself that I stayed in that relationship. I really didn't know what love was, but I decided that abuse wasn't part of it. It was a terrible thing to go through, but it made me strong. I have never and will never put up with something like that. I am a good person and deserve good things. I will be treated with respect and love!

Answer 6

I think you love him because you don't realize your self worth. If you understood you were worth so much more than that treatment you wouldn't continue to let him in. Not judging, just stating my opinion. Although I've never been in that situation I know what I will stand for and what I will not. There's no such thing as not hurting too much when love is involved. If you're dedicated to moving on, there will be much pain, but there wont be all of the verbal and physical abuse. I really do hope things work out for you. Many blessings to you.

Answer 7

Because you probably still love your husband, just not the abuse.

Unfortunately, it is only going to get worse and that has been statistically proven. It is up to him to get help to learn how to control his temper and react appropriately. There is no cure for this type of behavior so it will be a lifelong process for him if he actually tries to get help.

It is incredibly hard to leave. You probably think you need him, but you really don't. The "you are nothing without me" argument is a classic among people like your husband so you've probably heard it already.

Find a local program for people in abusive relationships. The local police or state's attorneys office can probably help you find one. Don't be afraid to call. Let them help you. They can provide great advice, resources and help you devise a safety plan that you most certainly need immediately.

If you are scared for your life already, then I am quite certain he is capable of killing you and you know it. There are lots of people out there who care about you and don't want to see you hurt in any way. Let them help you too.

No matter how much you love him or think you need him, it is not worth your life.

Don't let him see your post!

Answer 8

I have been in your position hun and it is very confusing. part of an abusefuul relationship and probably the worst part is the emotional and mental abuse they tear you down so you feel like its your fault or like no one else will want you or like in your case where even though they have done so much to hurt you you still love him and dont know why the best thing you can do is stay away that feeling of love will pass with time jion a group for abused and battered woman it really helps. I have been in your shoes and they are hard to walk in but i promise you are a beutiful person and eventuly you will run again in those shoes and they wont feel so heavy if you need some one to talk to or just some one to listen email me and i will give you my phone number i promise things get better!!
[e-mail]

Answer 9

Behavioral psychologists have established that rewards and punishments encourage or discourage certain behaviors. If you push the button and get a cookie, odds are you'll push the button again.

It just so happens that if you don't always get the cookie--only some of the time--people tend to be even more diligent about pushing the button. This phenomenon is called "the variable schedule of reinforcement."

Abusers aren't always abusers. They are typically capable of tremendous kindness. His variable schedule of alternating punches and kindness have conditioned you to stay with him because those rare kindnesses more than make up for those punches.

You deserve better. Get out while you're still in one piece.

Answer 10

You don't get to pick who you love. It's understandable that you love him and there must be good things about him that make you miss him. Sometimes love isn't enough. I volunteer at a Domestic Violence Shelter. The average battered woman leaves seven times before she stays away. That means more than half leave more than 7 times.

It is a difficult and complex decision and process to leave. Almost all areas have Domestic Violence services. Most offer counseling and help services. Many are free.

I would suggest finding one and getting help from people who understand the issue and will understand how you could still love him, will not judge you and most important will help you succeed in leaving a person who is not healthy to be with.

My heart goes out to you.