my mate's ultimatum.... choose ..your best friend or me?

Question

I am female, in a committed relationship with my man. I have a new female friend.
i enjoy my friends company alot. it is a real friendship, something i have lacked for sometime. i trust her completely, we have a lot in common especially a warped sense of humor. hobbies, life experiences.
my man is jealous, to the point that i have had to sneak out to see her.
there was a huge fight last week, he said she said blah blah. none of it terribly important in the scheme of things.
He has given the ultimatum that i am not to see her or our relationship is over. i know how unfair this is. and giving it time to cool down is not going to work on this one as the argument is really not the issue.
the issue is that he is jealous of her, has been from the start and has been looking for a way to put an end to it.
we are in our 40's.
i am not willing to give her up for him.
in general... he is a good man that i am happy with. we get along well and he is good to me.

Answer 1

Ultimatums are selfish and short sighted.
Compromise shows the spirit of partnership.

Start with a soft approach and take down the "defences". Tell him that you thought about what he said and that you think he has some valid concerns. Tell him you love him and he's your one and only.

Now, ask him what he thinks a fair compromise would be so that you still have some time with your friend but are meeting his needs. If he starts out with "stop seeing her" remind him that you are trying to compromise with him, which is a give and take that is the foundation of any respectful marriage.

Now, the ball is in his court to either admit he doesn't want to be respectful (which no man wants to do) or to start the "negotiation" for what would make him feel ok with you still spending some time with your friend. Here is where you may have to give to get - but in the end your marriage should be the winner.

Good luck!

Answer 2

This is about control. He's not your daddy, father or husband. He can not tell you what to do or who to have as your friend. Men come a dime a dozen. Real true friends are hard to come by. I'm not saying end your relationship with him but put your foot down and stand your ground. If he doesn't want to be there then show him the door. His loss!! That shows how much he values the relationship and you. Don't allow him to bully you. He's very wrong!!

Edit** With age comes wisdom and strength. I don't know why you are allowing this in the first place. I'm 35 and I wish I would be sneaking to go some where. The moment he would have said it's either this or that he would have been looking at me from the outside of the door window. This is a boyfriend not a husband. Take charge of your own and yourself. You're 40. Run yo sh^t, don't let no one run you!

**David P's*** It 's not that serious. You need to take a chill pill and calm down. Go sell crazy some where else.

Answer 3

I think, in this situation both of you need to look at it from the other person's point of view. If he is a good and reasonable man, and had to resort to an ultimatum - perhaps there's a REALLY good reason for it? Can you give him the benefit of the doubt? Don't just get wrapped up in your "victim mentality" - hear out what he has to say. I bet there's "his side" of the story that is different from yours. This is not to say that an ultimatum is the right way to go - but it does help to listen to the other person closely. Type out how you feel about the situation, and have him type out how he feels, and take these essays to a counselor or a trusted mutual friend for an outsider's opinion.

Answer 4

Tough one. Other factors come into play. Does she take up so much of your time that you aren't spending time with him? Is she meddling in your relationship with your man? Is she the constant topic when talking with your man? Are you scheduling your life around her schedule? Take a look at these. If you see her 2 or 3 times a week there shouldn't be a problem. If its an every day thing, you may be in rough water.
He didn't give you the ultimatum for no reason. You should not have to give up your friend but you may have to modify the relationship with her. Or just pack up and leave the guy.

Answer 5

Hi Cleo.

Ultimatums are always a red flag. Especially from a man of his age...that's something a young guy would say to a girl to get his way about things.

You didn't mention how long you've been in this relationship, but you know how it is. The longer a relationship lasts, the more comfortable ppl become in them. I guess what I'm getting at is that if he's showing signs of jealousy resulting in ultimatums, I'd beware if I were you.

You shouldn't have to sneak out to see a good friend. It's obvious to me your friendship is very important to you, as is your guy. Unless you have given him reason to be jealous, he's out of line in his demand.

I guess I could tell you what my mom used to tell me..."If things aren't going well in a relationship, just remember men are like taxi cabs...there's another one along every 5 minutes!" You know, in a way, she was right. Relationships come and go, but true, REALLY true friendships come along once or twice in a lifetime. And, if this man was your FRIEND as well as your love interest (as he should be both), he would never ask you to give up your friend.

Unless you are neglecting him in some way, if it were me, I think I'd have to tell him that if there isn't enough of you to share with your friend, one of you needs to go...and your friend isn't the one threatening to leave you.

Hope this helps. Just remember...if you give in to his demands, they'll likely get worse. Before you know it, you won't like him much any more. If he's not willing to at least compromise, I'd let him walk away. Nip it now, and if he can't handle it, he may have a bigger problem than you want to deal with.

Hope this helps! Good luck!!

Answer 6

Hmm this is a real biggie. But honestly I see it like this: Your man might be wonderful and the two of you may be happy but if he truly cared and respected you as an individual he wouldn't give you the ultimatum in the first place. If you chose him, you'll subconsciously resent him for messing up a friendship that you treasure. Don't allow anyone to give you ultimatums that control your actions and/or future decisions. He should understand that you're with him because you want to be. Maybe you should come to a compromise that you'll spend more time with him. Perhaps he is feeling neglected. But if he refuses and just decides to keep his ultimatum, drop him. You are your own person and its completely selfish of him to demand that of you. Good luck with your decision.

Answer 7

It sounds as though you have more problems than just your 'ultimatum'. you've already made up your mind that he's not the most important person in your life. The only thing left is to tell him. Personally I've always felt that a friend who would come between you and your "man" is not a friend. But you two are not married anyway so it really isn't that big of a deal. Women break up with their boyfriends all the time.

Answer 8

Tough situations you have there. It is important to maintain a balance in your life and it sounds like that's what you've been doing. In the large scheme of things I'd say he has not valid ground to stand on with his ultimatum.
If I were you I believe I would tell him that you have decided on option 3. You will continue to be his wife and her friend. If he chooses to end the relationship then that is his choice but let it be known that it isn't what you wanted or asked for.
My guess is he is bluffing anyway. Sounds like he needs a little professional help to work out his jealousy issues.

Answer 9

Than your man needs to grow up or get over himself. I have been in your situation and totally feel your frustration. I personally would not give up my friend especially the one you described, friends like that do not come by that easy. You stand on your ground and if your man is going to act like a puss about it and threatened you by ending your relationship than girl that in my book calls him a loser with insecurities. I hope that it is not the other way around could he be attracted to your friend and is using this type of a "scape goat"? Although i am a bit surprise too by your description of how "GOOD" he is with you and he makes you happy. You look into this further but do not give up a friendship over a man insecurities.

Answer 10

It sounds like you've answered your own question: "i am not willing to give her up for him." If that is true, then you have your answer and can get on with it.

The trouble with making an ultimatum is that the one who makes it is usually the one left holding the bag. It's a horrible thing to say to someone, "Make a choice: one person you love or another." It's manipulative and cruel. I hope he understood the magnitude of the order he gave you because it looks like you've already decided.

Good luck--