My husband now cheated on me when were still engaged. Even though it was not a physical affair, he had feelings for someone else and had a relationship with her. They broke up because he was busted by his sister and he said he totally regretted it. We went through some counselling before we were married and he has been faithful ever since. It's been a year, but i still remember what he did to me. He did some very bad lies and deception and i remember them all. It has been more than a year and it still hurts so bad when i remember because we loved each other so deeply. I still couldn't believe that that happened between us. Now he keeps telling me he loves me but in the back of my mind, i wonder if he's just patronizing me or if he truly does love me. I am always fearful that he will betray me again. When will i get over this? I honesty try each day but it's so hard.
2007-07-19 03:52:14 · 21 answers · asked by Miss Fay 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
never
2007-07-19 03:55:48 · answer #1 · answered by keral 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should have waited to marry him. But I know its too late now and thats the last thing you want to hear. Always try to remember that he WAS NOT married at the time and some people sew their oates just before marriage. Remember he chose you and even went to counseling. I would not focus on his past or he will get so totally turned off by you. He did wrong, he accepted it and went to counseling, you knew about it before you married him, and he loves you. I would truly stop wasting your time living in the past and move on. After all you were dealing with this before you married him and you chose to anyway. Try very hard to let it go or you may lose.
2007-07-19 04:08:34 · answer #2 · answered by Maria 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am in a very similar situation as you - and to tell you the truth - there really is no answer to your question. There is no set amount of time until you can "forgive".
It could take months, years, or never.
Like you, I try every day to forget what my now husband has done to me in the past but it's hard.
A good start would be not throwing anything in his face. It will only make matters worse if you remind him of what he did. I did this with my husband and it really started pulling us apart. The moment I stopped, things seemed to get better.
I wish there was some easy answer (for both you and I) to get over these trust issues. I try and look at it by repeating the saying, "Time heals all wounds". I truly believe that one day things will be better. It will just take time.
Hang in there and best of luck to you!
2007-07-19 04:08:12 · answer #3 · answered by K.C. 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
man, that sucks because similar thing happened to me. Mo Fo's. give yourself LOTS AND LOTS of time. trust just doesnt' magically appear over night. and it's different for everyone, and you are no one's time schedule but your own. it really makes you wonder things like, he must not have respected me or cherished our relationship like i did, and those are devastating thoughts. he acted selfishly, period. i honestly cant' get into someone's head who behaves like that so I have no perspective to offer you of the guy or why cheating was so important to him. you should be fearful that he will betray you again, and since you gave him a second chance, know within yourself without a doubt that if it ever happens again, you are gone. and it doesn;'t even have to be over sex - he can have an "inappropriate" friendshipwith another woman, and you are gone, no questions asked. i'm so sorry this happened to you. i looked in my husband's phone for 2 years and snooped in his e-mails. i finally decided that it was exhausting to do that, he appeared to be "clean" and I just vowed i;d divorce him and take all his money if he ever did it again. over time the pain and hurt will subside, but it may take a good long time and some more conversations with him. some people can truly make a mistake like that and never do it again, but unfortunately, you need to keep those eyes in the back of your head open. since you chose to marry him, these are the circumstances in which you must live. good luck!!
2007-07-19 04:05:56 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would never have married him. I don't think it's something you will get over, knowing that while you were engaged, in other words before you were even married he was already emotionally involved with someone else. You thought you both loved each other deeply but the fact is that you loved him deeply and he was still having second thoughts.
2007-07-19 04:02:12 · answer #5 · answered by ♪ ♫Jin_Jur♫ ♥ 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Everybody is different. They same time heals all wounds, but I am not so sure. You have lived with the betrayal and it is eating you up inside. I really think you need to tell him this. He has a right to know that you still don't totally trust him, explain that you want to get over it, but your just having a hard time. Only you two know what it will take for you to be confident in the relationship again. It really is better to be brought out on the table and dealt with, than you trying to forget on your own.
2007-07-19 04:32:18 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
I had a similar thing happen to me. Without being too cold, you shouldn't have gotten married. I sometimes wish I hadn't gone through with the wedding. I am at 3 years and still no trust is back. On the flip-side of that, I still have a good marriage, we have beautiful children. I am just always saying to my husband in a playful yet honest way that we will be divorced after the kids are moved out................................
2007-07-19 04:03:23 · answer #7 · answered by Sissy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sometimes you'll never be able to trust. when ever that person is away your mind will always have a void pertaining to what are they doing or if they are doing it again. it will surely exhaust you and maybe you say no more and end it, however some has over come the past and corrected it and gone on to have a happy life. It really depends on you and your conscience, you may forgive but you will never forget.
2007-07-19 04:05:51 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You never really get over a betrayal even if you have forgiven the person, you can never really forgive the act. Or forget it. All people can really do is either choose to live with it or not. If you choose to live with it, you both should seek marriage counseling together so you can get help overcoming this because you are going to always bring this up in every argument you have.
2007-07-19 04:00:46 · answer #9 · answered by Catlover 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You'll trust again when you grow the confidence to know that, no matter who might cheat on you ever again, that you'll be ok somehow.
You have no choice but to trust him, now you chose to marry him. If you don't trust him, you'll destroy your marriage from the inside out.
Ask yourself this; is it worse for a person to have a pre-marriage emotional relationship with someone, even in secret, or for a person to marry another while they are walking around in doubts about that person? Who stands to hurt whom more? You him, or him you? I think you are the higher risk, as yours is still a secret, and what he did before the marriage, is not.
Why mess up a good thing by being petty and insecure? I think you are possibly just aiming to find a reason to get even with him, as you are totally selfishly indulging in reliving the hurt and nurturing it like a cancer.
I think, you should really relook your attitude towards what you are hoping to get from being married with such unhealthy thoughts and emotions in you. Aren't you just being a little bit hypocritical here? You're here on the Internet being disloyal to your husband, and disrespecting his memory, while he is apprently out there being true and faithful to you?
Consider your motives, for they might not be what you think they are..please
2007-07-19 04:17:20 · answer #10 · answered by justaguy 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Being deeply in love is hard to believe if he was cheating?
The fact that he was entertaining thoughts and affection for someone else at the same time makes it plausible that he was a little high on himself. the fact that he got busted and you two have married and moved on could give credence to his now being truly sorry and now deeper in love with you at this point. I myself believe their are different levels of love and that only time and true dedication can be used to find them.
sounds to me as if you may be ready to make that next step. the fact that he cheated will never go away and the hurt it caused will always remain and will surface from time to time. how much you entertain the pain and dwell on the past will determine the future and amount you are willing to open up your heart to deeper levels of love in the future.
Please note that if you remain in the past and never open up your marriage may die at some point. We have no way of knowing if a person is going to hurt us, it is by and on Trust that we must build our love. just make sure he is aware that you are ready to move on and up. that his job is to keep your heart and feelings safe!
2007-07-19 04:14:59 · answer #11 · answered by kiphyn b 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋