How do I explain to my little girl?

Question

I have been divorced for a year and a half now and my ex and I have a six year old daughter together. Since the divorce, my ex has seriously turned to drugs and is living off of whomever he can. He received a large cash settlement recently and has continuously promised to our little girl that when he got his money that he would do special things with her and take her anywhere she wanted. I do not let her go with him because of his status and was content with him visiting her at my home. Since receiving his money, which has been about a month ago, he has not called or attempted to see her and she has been very upset lately. She loves her father dearly and in her eyes, can do no wrong. I constantly tell her that her dad loves her no matter what. I don't know what else to do. This man is obviously spending his time partying with the money he has received. What else can I do and say to comfort her? I'm tired of him hurting her. If she only knew she was better off without him.

I have continuously tried to reach him and he repeatedly ignores every attempt.

Zelgadiss - I don't want any of this man's money as money does not buy happiness. It's the love that my child deserves from her Father that she is not getting. Shame on you for such a comment. May God have mercy on you.

Answer 1

Your doing the right thing. Be honest with her but don't volunteer information. Answer her questions with simple answers. Leave the details for when she is older. Don't express your thoughts around her. Don't speculate with her. Just stick with the facts.

Answer 2

Some of the people answering here obviously have no idea what it means to be a responsible parent.

I grew up in a house where my father was an alcoholic, abused my mother, and never had a job. I'm still not sure how exactly we got by. I wish, though, that my mother had been honest with me LONG before she was.

Your daughter may be a little young to understand the idea of her father being a deadbeat dad (which he seems in extreme danger of being), not to mention being under the influence of drugs... but by age 9, she'll understand a lot of those things all too well. It's surprising what kids will think.

Be honest to an extent. I would not tell her that her father loves her. Why? Because then she grows up thinking that it is OKAY for someone who "loves you" to basically abandon you and disappear for days, weeks, months and that you should do the 'right thing' and endure these things because they "love you".

Plus, if he loves her, then he needs to be the one telling her that.

My advice is probably far from the best, but we should be careful with how we paint reality for our children. They learn young what they should expect from relationships in the future, and they carry those lessons on into adulthood.

I would like to echo the idea of therapy or at least talking with a counselor. However, I'd recommend that YOU talk to a counselor (perhaps if one is available through your workplace, such as an Employee Assistance Program), to find out how YOU should talk to your daughter. Six year olds do not need strangers explaining to them what is happening in their own lives. They need a parent as a secure point, they need a good foundation with someone who loves and cares for them.

Also, of course don't speak badly about him in front of her. She'll either become defensive of him (as someone said), or she'll become bitter far too young.

Edit: Blood does not make a father. Blood does not always make a family. Do not let these ideas tie you to the idea that her father is the only man who can ever be a father to her. For me, my father is one half of my genetic makeup and little more. He made that bed for himself, just like your ex is doing now.

Answer 3

i know where you are coming from as i have a family member that is the same way just hasnt come into money. The best thing you can do with a girl who is 6 is to tell her that her Daddy loves her but he is having some troubles. Tell her you are worried about him and tell her that she needs to pray for him each night. This way she feels like she is doing everything she can to help her daddy. You do not have to tell her what the troubles are but you have to provide her with some honesty or you are going to be the bad person in the end.

Answer 4

It seems like he has issues. If he loves his daughter at all, he would call her, visit her or get help. You need to explain to your daughter that her dad isn't calling because maybe he doesn't want to talk to you if you guys argue alot. That could be a reason or he won't send any money to pay for child support. Telling a kid half of the truth is better in this case. You don't want to tell her about the partying. Just tell her that it has to do with money issues. Some kids understand when it comes to not paying for child support.

Answer 5

you are in a tough spot because in her eyes, he is still her hero even though I happen to think he is garbage. The fact that you stated that he is into drugs makes me wonder if it is better off for her to cry a little now than something happen and everyone cries in the end. I would keep him away from her, contact the child services to make sure when and if he does that there i some one there for the time being.

Explain to your daughter that daddy is working hard somewhere to make money for her and whatever else you have to say because she is too young to understand she got robbed as far a fathers.

Answer 6

Try to get her into therapy. Don't say bad things against him, but I think it would be acceptable to tell her that her father has fallen under the influence of some bad substances (I think you could even use the word 'drugs' at her age) and his behavior has changed. Tell her that you hope her daddy will get the help he needs, but it might take time and she will have to be patient. Don't bad mouth him in front of her, it will only make her defensive of him!!! Show her empathy for her father, but also let her know that a person who is under the influence is not to be trusted.

Definitely get her into therapy so she has someone who can talk to her about this (who has training to deal with it).

Good luck! :)

Answer 7

She doesn't go to hell at all but will be with Christ in heaven. Why, because she did the best she could with what she was given. You are correct to recognize that God would not be God if he were partial to those who happen to be fortunate enough to live in a time and place where the knowledge of Christ could reach them. The vast majority of God's children would be consigned to hell if we believed what most of Christianity teaches. Fortunately, they are wrong. God provided a way for all of His children to hear and accept the gospel. When we die, we go to either Paradise of Prision depending upon whether we chose good in our lives or bad. Those that chose good, like the sweet girl in your story, would go to Paradise where they would rest from their mortal cares and learn about Jesus and God's gospel plan. Then, saints in mortality can perform vicarious ordinances for her, like baptism, in order for her to accept the gospel and move forward into God's Kingdom. The doctrine of baptism for the dead is not a new concept. Paul was very familiar with it and taught it as a reality in the early church. Today, we have that same authority and privilege to be vicarious savior for all of our brothers and sisters who died without the benefit of the gospel. Even the bad people who go to Prison will be taught the gospel and receive vicarious baptism so that they can repent and move forward. If they choose not to accept the work done for them, then they remain in a lower state or resurrection, or inherit a lesser glory.

Answer 8

I can relate to the situation you're daughter is in as growing up I had the same type of dad until he cleaned up. Just tell your daughter that you love her, go easy on the bashing her dad though, it could really screw her up for future guys.
The best thing you can do is love and support her. Don't bother calling her dad. Let him go so the two of you can move on with your lives! Best of LucK and wonderful job so far!!

Answer 9

You tell her that you did not let her go with him because of his status and was content with him visiting her at your home and that by your own doing, you have created a situation that casued this man to obviously spend his time partying with the money he has received.

Why dont u let go and that guy have a life as he wish? Why do you want to control him even now? If you wanted to control him, at least you should have stayed his wife. It is over, let him live his life and dont try to diminish your responsibility (which I assess more than 70%) in bringing up on separated parents and this new situation to the little girl.

Answer 10

My parents got divored when I was 8. I am not going to tell you my age, but my father hasn't spoken to me since December 2006. He married an evil woman,(and I know being the daughter, I always think that no woman is good enough for my father, but this woman is genuinly evil, she has ruined my relationship with my father and she has done many evil things to my mother, I am not going to tell you what because I don't want your sympathy, I just want to tell you from the child's point of view.), and now I have 4 step brothers, but that is OK, because I don't have to see them, my dad just sends child support and I don't have to talk to him or her. I loved my daddy so much, but he started making me feel bad and making me feel like I was the one doing something wrong. And finally on night he made me cry. I was so upset. From then on my mom had to sit next to me when I was talking to my father to make sure that he didn't make me feel bad. Then he made me cry so bad once that my mom finally had to take away the phone. Hearing him yell at me was one of the hardest things that has happened to me. Whatever you do, DO NOT tell her that he will do what he says because when he doesn't he will look like the worst person in the whole world. My mom was honest with me and she told me everything that happened between them. That way, I saw all of the lies that he told me, and I saw what he really meant to do. I know that it might take her a while and she may be mad at you for a while, but you have to be honest with her. It is the best thing that you can do. It will make her so much stronger. I know that this is the last thing that a mother wants to do for her child, but my mom telling me everything that she did made me so much stronger and she made me prepared for things that he has done to me and my mother. All the lies that he told just made me a stronger person. I know that in her eyes he can do no wrong, but if you tell her, she may not believe you, but it will save her from so much hurt in the future. Good Luck and I really hope that you can understand what I am trying to tell you. This may be the hardest thing that you have to do, but it is right.

Answer 11

Unfortunately, all you can do is what you have been doing. Eventually she will get it, and it will be a very sad day for her, but there's nothing you can do to make him grow up. You are doing the right thing telling her that her dad loves her. I commend you for that, because I've known a lot of women that wouldn't.